3Setting: Bedroom, slumber party. Elvira, Susan, and Gretchen sit with sleeping bags
Elvira: So have your parents found a house yet?
Susan: No, they flew out to look at some more last weekend. I think they have it narrowed down, though.
Gretchen: God, that sucks.
Elvira: Riveting observation, Sherlock.
Gretchen (scolding)What did we say about using big words on Friday night?
Elvira: I am unable to vividly recall that request, as it must not have registered within my cerebral quartex.
Gretchen (to Susan): Can I throw a pillow at her? Please?
Susan: (sarcastically): If they haven't packed them all already
Elvira: (dismissive) Oh, stop being all angsty. That's my job.
Gretchen: Yeah, plus every time I think about it I start crying and I don't want to have to apply my mascara again.
Elvira: Heaven forbid streaks of coal begrudge your pupils.
Gretchen: OMGee stop it already! You wear more eyeliner than I do, anyway! And in those hideous colors!
Elvira: My rainbow addiction to Maybeline is of no consequence at the present moment, thank you very much. We were focusing on Susie's killing of the party vibe.
Susan: (laughing) Okay, first let me archive you saying the phrase 'party vibe' into the back of my brain cells. Second, I'm sorry I'm bumming you guys out, but still- this might be the last time I ever get to see you bicker like an old married couple!
Elvira: (snorts) I'm sure Gretchen's Jock of The Week would appreciate that analogy.
Gretchen: Shush! And sure you'll get to see us- I have two words that are going to rock your world, Susan: I.M.
Susan: (after a pause) Wow. So many comebacks, so little time.
Elvira: Ignore it, please, we can't afford to waste two hours explaining what she just said.
Gretchen: Why do I hang out with you again?
Elvira: You're bubbly persona blends nicely with my darker, sardonic side-
Gretchen: Speak English, just once?
Elvira: (gently smacks her head with a pillow) Cause I'm hot like that, you dork.
All: laugh
Susan: God, I'm going to miss you guys. Besides, you're probably going to kill each other after I leave, who'll referee you? You can't do that through email, and it's not like I have a webcam or anything.
Gretchen: Aw, you ruined Christmas!
Susan: (squealing): Seriously?!
Elvira: (solemnly): Daddy's Mastercard- the things dreams are made of.
Gretchen: Really? I thought dreams were mythical constructs formed by subconscious desires.
Elvira/Susan: stare at her with their mouths open.
Gretchen: What? It's true!
Susan: O…kay…I'm moving, Gretchen just a word with more than six letters that wasn't 'shopping'…the world is officially coming to an end. All we need now is for Elvira is to burn down the rainforest and dye her hair blonde.
Elvira: OMGee, do not even go there with the bleach and my tender tresses- OH MY GOD DID I JUST SAY OH EM GEE?!
Gretchen: Yes! Four years of hanging out with me have finally had an effect! Maybe tomorrow you'll wear something with actual color!
Elvira: Oh, God, I think I'm gonna hurl (runs offstage)
Susan: Um…should we be concerned about that…?
Gretchen: Nah. She totally did the same thing when you were paying the pizza guy and we found some fingerless gloves of hers in Cozmo.
Susan: Oh. Well I guess that's okay, then. (Pauses, uncertain) Gretch?
Gretchen: Yeah, hon?
Susan: Do you think we'll all still be best friends…even after I leave?
Gretchen: Of course! Only now you can give me beauty tips since your moving to California! Hooray for Hollywood!
Susan: Um, Gretchen, I'm moving near the New Mexico border.
Gretchen: So? It's still California, right?
Susan: Uh, yeah, but…
Elvira: (offstage, screaming) NO! IT'S NOT POSSIBLE! AACK MY EYES ARE BLEEDING!
Gretchen: Uh-oh, I forgot I left my copy of Seventeen in there, she must have noticed that blonde chick on the cover was wearing her favorite emo skirt- be right back- (hurries off stage)
Susan (laughs, faces the audience in soliloquy) : I guess Gretchen's right- obviously, our friendship is way too psychotic to be broken just because of a few measly hundred miles. I think we'll be okay. Besides, who else would put up with those two?
Elvira: (offstage): HOW DID I BECOME SUCH A WALKING CLICHÉ?! THIS IS YOUR FAULT, GRETCH!
Susan: Speaking of which, I think I better intervene before someone gets their eyebrows yanked out like last time- and I don't mean with tweezers (exits)