You are the reason I smile and try to be normal
I cry as I write this because that's just what I do
I cry for no reason
To know I can
To feel something besides…regret I guess
I don't regret you.
You are something I know I will fuck up somehow.
You are someone who loves me for who the hell knows why.
You see in me a strength or beauty I just can't visualize.
You love me and I just can't get why.
I'm writing this at 12 am on a Friday morning 'cause I can't sleep.
I can't sleep 'cause I finally had the smell of you in my room and it faded away too soon
I can't sleep 'cause your not here to hold me, to make me feel safe and I know that
when I do sleep, your not going to be there to look me in the eye and say things are okay.
I can't sleep because I'm crying and I don't know why,
And I'm scared because I haven't cried like this for any reason in a long time.
I'm afraid that I'm regressing to what I was before
To the weak and sad shell of a girl that no one remembers.
She doesn't deserve to be remembered.
I'm crying silent tears because I learned a long time ago that people will only care
for so long, including moms, until they just learn to turn away.
I cry silent tears to avoid questions that cause me to cry more,
I cry silent tears cause I finally understand for some reason why I understand the end
of the poem I read in a book that the author might have written, or just plain
honestly didn't remember the name of so he couldn't find the author.
Like the books protagonist I honestly didn't wanna understand.
I don't know what's wrong with me,
Why I feel this way all of a sudden,
Why I feel like the world is caving in
Why I can't hold my head high
Why I wanna die inside
I just know that I've typed half of this through tear blurred eyes and writing it down
isn't easing the pain that's come from anywhere logical.
Ill probably be fine later today…your tomorrow cause your eyes have closed to
awaken later today at a time when I may possibly have finally found solace in an unconscious state.
I won't cut because I promised so many I had stopped.
I won't shoot 'cause the guns long been removed.
I won't hang 'cause there's nothing strong enough.
I won't pop because I promised you forever.
I won't go 'cause I'm the one everyone depends on.
I won't go 'cause I'm too afraid to know, and there no ghost of anything past, present, nor future to tell me how anything will be.
This isn't written to make you feel sorry for me,
I just don't wanna lead you to believe I'm perfect,
That I have no flaws, although I'm human and its obvious I do.
I wrote this because I love you and I miss you and sadly I need you.
I wrote this because I live for you.
Everyday I think of you,
When I walk in front of that car,
When I run down those steep stairs,
When I wonder why I try.
So if I never SAY I love you,
I hope you know I do.