Clean As You Go

My grandmother saw fit to buy me whatever I needed

new clothes for school

toys, all the ones I wanted

I spent nights weeks summers with her

She was my guardian angel

she'd float down and pull me from the depths of hell

Until you blamed me for her death

she stayed with me one of her last days

while you went to paint the town

we ordered pizza

PIZZA

fuck you, she wanted it

and to the woman who saved my life a thousand times

she was getting it

it wasn't good for her diet

but the tumor killed her, bitch

Paths made in my room

I had so many toys

Only child that I was for 10 years

Single parent

Selfish parent

Here take this and shut up

I didn't want everything I always wanted

I wanted my friend's family

Clean as you go
would've prevented my clutter-filled room

All the lies I wouldn't tell

but take the punishment anyway

How many times did I tell you what you wanted to hear?

Just to shut you the hell up

I was maybe ten

Eleven o'clock is late on a school night

to pretend to talk, to discipline, to be a good mom

Dirty from playing outside

I was a little boy

did you find it necessary to scrub the backs of my ears

until they were raw?

grounded for being a boy

surprised that I have any testosterone left at all

dignity as well

you and your controlling dominatrix ways

some sort of twisted focus

Clean as you go

mustn't be dirty

I embarrassed you everywhere we went

oh, how I misbehaved

how you took me to the ladies room every time

how you threatened me through clenched teeth

You couldn't choke on your tongue fast enough for me

other people saw it

Who taught you to hit with a belt, anyway?

I'm glad you cried when the buckle "accidentally" broke skin

across my back, weren't you supposed to be hitting my ass?

just wait until I'm big enough to stop you

Clean as you go

the chores weren't done to your liking

was I a fucking maid?

you "worked" all the time, coming to pick me up at my aunt's

smelling like booze with some different guy

hoping to score

I don't resent chores

I resent you

you got remarried had more kids

who was I?

the fucking babysitter built in

and you still fucked everything that gave you attention

while you were "separated"

yet he'd be back in a week

until that marriage fell apart

it was only a matter of time

clean as you go

it was a "fresh start"

Again

except now you were just too selfish for any man

have another pill

you are in rough shape you know

how many doctors do you have?

as a teen I couldn't live with you

I couldn't stand you

I didn't pretend to know everything

I just knew that you were done

with pretending

to be my mother

as an adult, I see that I wasn't a punk

teenager like you would have everyone believe

you treat me like shit

still

when I got married, you hated my guest list

fuck you

show up when the ladies are making the centerpieces

help with the planning

then your fucking vote counts

keep your predictions to yourself

who looks like the ass now?

you are just as bad a grandmother

my kids think of you as a "distant aunt"

that always shows up on the holidays

with cards from the missed birthdays

you could've came

you knew

you just prefer to tell everyone that you

aren't welcome here

well, now you're right

you have had too many chances

I am done with civil

you act like you care to everyone

and then never show

your bullshit stories have peaked

clean as you go

my daughter's concerts

i told you well in advance

even reserved you a seat

an empty seat yet again

the butt of all jokes

but that was it

I peaked

I'm done

Clean as you go

there isn't a therapist out there that can determine

what the hell that means

in my profession, it means to work efficiently

to gain space and keep things clean

that's what I'm doing with you

I'm making room

for my own life

for my daughters and their college ceremonies

and weddings

and my grandkids

I'm taking the dirty that is you out

and living clean

no more conscience

no more guilt trips

i will call you out every time

i don't care who tries to stick up for you

because if there is any doubt as to

whether I should

see above

maybe you should try it

stop dosing

stop being selfish

stop making people feel bad about themselves

clean as you go