7Elvis is Alive
Chapter 1: Just Sleeping
WARNING: This story contains sarcastic humor, bad language and sexual
stuff, if this story insults you in anyway, don't
start flaming my story, because YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: In no way am I intending to insult Elvis Presley, this story is simply a
product of my imagination and I am in fact a big fan on anything related to Elvis,
I completely respect the man. Please don't flame me about how disrespectful I
am to him. I AM WEIRD, OKAY. DEAL.
Hi there. My name is Elvis Presley. So basically I'm going to tell you this story from the day I died on until I die again like I'm repeating everything that has ever happened to me in my head and somehow it ends up on FictionPress. Enjoy.
AUGUST 16 1977
I told my hot mama of a fiance, Ginger, I was going in the bathroom to read. I didn't want to wake her up by the sound of turning pages. I like to read on the toilet. Plus, where else would I sit in the bathroom? On the floor? I don't think so.
So, while I was sitting on the toilet I just so happened to feel the urge to take a crap. I did. I figured I was going to have crap again sometime again, so I didn't bother to wipe.
By the way, I am not fat. The camera adds 50 pounds. I was still a hunka hunka burnin' love at 42, no different then I was 21 years ago.
Anyway, at about 9 AM I got pretty bored so I went downstairs to get some breakfast. Ginger was already stuffing her beautiful face as well. I got Twinkie and sat down next to her.
"You sure did take a long time in the bathroom, I came in about 3 hours ago and you were on the floor looking like you were dead," she explained, "I called Joe and he said you were dead and we're just waiting on the ambulance but now I see you're alive, after I'm done with this banana I'll cancel the ambulance."
"Uh huh uh huh, thanks sugar. I was just sleeping." I said, finishing my twinkie and licking my lips.
"You literally looked dead to the world. Oh by the way, there was a news cast and everybody thinks you're dead. You're Daddy is crying in his office."
"I better go up there,"
I ran up the stairs to his office. The doors were closed and I could hear scribbling and crying.
I knocked on the door.
His pathetic voice sounded, "Yes?"
"It's Elvis."
I could hear the chair being pushed back, "What the-" there was footsteps and then he opened the door, an angry look on his face that quickly turned to shock and then he fell to the floor.
I kneeled down and shook him, "Daddy? Daddy, you all right?" I hope he just fainted.
I heard Ginger bounding up the stairs. "What happened?" she asked as she knelt down beside me.
"He fainted," I said in a no duh voice.
"Don't be mean, I thought maybe he died," she gave me a look.
"Yeah, well, you thought I died too, didn't you? I was just sleeping. Goddamn."
She sighed. "Whatever, Elvis. I'll get some water."
I stuck out my tounge at her as she went down the stairs.
She quickly came back and dumped the water on his face.
"Be careful! He's kinda old." I said.
"He's only 61." she said, standing up.
"Hence, kinda."
She didn't say anything. Dad was getting up, when he looked at me again he staggered back but I caught him.
"Daddy, it's okay. I was just sleeping, I ain't dead. Sorry I scared you, you want so-"
I couldn't finish my sentence, because he decided to hug me.
"Thank God," he kept repeating.
I saw Ginger looking dreamily at my Dad and I knitted my eyebrows at her. She quickly looked at me and winked. She's a weird duck.
"Son, I already told the media you was dead and everybody's selling flowers. You better get out there." he said.
"Alright, Daddy."
I strode to my bedroom with Ginger behind me. I put on a jumpsuit and fixed my hair just for the fun of it. Then, without thinking, I walked out the doors of Graceland and what did I see?
A lot of people and lot of plants. They were all crying and the plants were all flowers and everybody looked so sad I wanted to cry myself.
Nobody could see me, they were too engulfed with grief. They probably thought I was a impersonator anyway.
Ginger was behind me and she whistled really loud and clapped her hands. "HEY!" she yelled right in my ear, which caused me to fall to the ground.
"HERE'S ELVIS!" she yelled again.
Before I could get up, everybody looked at her and then saw me on the ground and they all got the notion she killed me and was showing off to everybody that she killed Elvis Presley.
I got up before anybody could start throwing things.
"Hi everyone, I just want to say that I'm alive. Ginger thought I was dead but I was really just sleeping. Sorry you guys wasted your money on those flowers. I'll buy each of you a Cadillac." then I went inside.
AUGUST 17 1977
At about 10 AM, the doorbell rang. Then 5 minutes later, somebody knocked on my door.
"Yeah?" I answered sleepily, taking my arm off of Ginger.
"It's Cilla," said my Daddy.
"Tell her to wait a minute," I quickly got out of bed and put on a shirt so I wouldn't look bad with just my boxers on.
I opened the door, and there she was, looking really flushed.
"Thank God you're alive," she said, her eyes darting to the bed and then she quickly looked back at me.
"Sorry to interrupt your...time...I just wanted to have a talk with you," I noticed she had a grocery bag in her hands.
I nodded and closed the door.
We went down into the living room and sat down.
"I realized that, when I thought you died, how much I missed you." she was looking at her hands, "You know how they say you don't know what you have until it's gone. It's true. I'm so gratefull we've remained friends and that I'm able to say this - I'm sure I would have felt the same way if we divorced and we hated eachother. But I want you to know I still love you, and I hope we can always be good friends if not more." she finished breathlessly. She slowly raised her eyes to look at me.
"I'm flattered, Satnin," she blushed at that name even though I said it to her all the time, "but I love Ginger. I still love you, in a friendly manner, and I love Ginger in a wifely manner. We're getting married this Christmas and I promise we can always stay friends."
"B-but, I thought you loved me, really loved me." her eyes resembled a puppies.
"I do, Cilla, and don't forget it. But just as a good friend." I tried to make her urges for me lessen, so I picked my nose. Didn't do anything, she was looking at her damn hands again.
Needed to be picked anyway.
Before I could say you were always on my mind, she kissed my cheek and handed my the bag. She quickly said goodbye and left in a hurry.
I opened the bag to find a large velvet blue box, and in it, a collection of Polaroid pictures.
Pictures of us, all naked and stuff. We did it for fun. I don't know why she wanted me to have them but I put it in under my bed. I would find a better place for it later.
I never knew that Cilla still felt about me that way. I thought she just liked me as a good friend. I guess not. She was cute but, she's 32 and Ginger's 23, uh huh uh huh.