624Chapter Thirty Two – Save Your Heart
"So I had an interesting conversation with your ex-boyfriend the other day," I'm not sure why I was antagonizing her, maybe it had something to do with the fact that her side of the room was nearly all of the way packed up and the basement was still two weeks away from being finished. Like she couldn't wait to separate from me. It shouldn't have hurt my feelings, considering I was harboring the same emotions, but it did. I had been a good person to her and, more than that, a good sister. I couldn't believe that we had been raised in the same household, with the same values, the same parents, and she had turned out like that. There had to be something underneath it all, or some reason for it, and maybe I hadn't tried hard enough to uncover it.
Cassandra was a brat, true, but she was still my sister. I held her in a certain respect, I felt like she should reciprocate that, but she disappointed me at every turn. It was annoying to say the least, and so I guess I just wanted to get under her skin a little bit. Remember why she was human and why I should maybe feel sorry for her. It was becoming harder and harder to muster these days but, like Robbie, I wanted to know if everything she had fed me about their relationship that night was real. She'd been in tears, so vulnerable, and now it was like that had never even happened. I couldn't understand her and I wanted to draw out something sincere from her.
Sandy stopped taping the box she was holding down with her knee and glanced up at me, blowing at her blonde hair so that it flipped out of her eyes. "Are you serious?" Her tone was so belligerent that I winced when I heard it. "I don't care about you and Brian making out or whatever. He's more your ex-boyfriend than mine." She rolled her eyes and went back to staring down at the box. I picked up a pair of socks that were close to my feet and chucked them at her face with as much force as I could, considering I'm not very good at aiming things.
Unless I was throwing them at Andrew. But that was besides the point. "I'm not talking about Brian," I was surprised to find out that my tone matched hers for ferocity. "You're such a bitch." I shook my head at her, as if I couldn't understand how she would even go to that conclusion, even though a small part of me realized I'd deserved it. "You can try and play coy with me but you know that doesn't work anymore, so I don't know why you bothered."
Cassandra rolled her eyes and picked up the socks with a look of disgust on her face. "What the hell is wrong with you?" She flung them back across the room and looked away from me, but not before I saw that flash of something, something like pain, in her eyes. "I'm just trying to get my stuff together so we can get away from each other. Why don't you leave me alone?"
"Why is it that you want to get away from me so badly?" I shot back, quick with my response, tone suggesting that I already knew the answer. I quirked an eyebrow and fell onto my bed, leaning back against the pillows as I kept my eyes trained on her. "Maybe because I'm the only one in this house that sees through what you pretend to be?" I shook my head slowly but she just scoffed at me. I ignored it. "I'm not telling you this because I think you deserve it, or because I think you have any chance of making things right. I don't have faith in you, for the record, I think you are probably the most selfish person that I have ever come across in my life. I can't imagine how you rest so easily at night, to be honest," I sucked in a deep breath and leveled a look in her direction.
Maybe no one had ever told her those things, no one that had really known who she was, and maybe there was something in her that this would appeal to. I could only hope. "But I'm telling you because I think you owe Robert the truth. He's miserable and you owe him a reason why he should feel that way. Even if it hurts you." I snatched up a book from my nightstand and opened it to the bookmarked page, not even looking up to take in her expression anymore. This made me feel like I had done my best, this was all that I could offer Robbie, since I felt like I might have needed to repay him for everything he said about Andrew. Even if it didn't matter, when neither of us could even hold eye contact with one another, Robbie had offered what he could to help the two of us and this seemed fair turnabout.
Cassandra didn't say anything, she concentrated on the box again with more force than was actually needed, and when she was done she flipped me the bird over her shoulder before storming out of the room. Beautiful. I couldn't understand how anyone in their right mind could fall in love with someone like her, much less a person as nice as Robert West, but that wasn't actually any of my business. His feelings were his own to do with what he chose. Too bad he'd gambled on my brat of a sister; he'd lost big time and that made me feel a lot of sympathy for him. He was actually a good guy, and that was hard to find, I wished things could have turned out differently for him. Sometimes life just sucked like that, as I was well on my way to learning. Things didn't always work out just because you thought that they should, not for everybody that deserved it. Maybe Robbie would learn from this, I could only hope.
I certainly couldn't see them getting back together or working things out, not without someone intervening and I simply refused to. I didn't think Cassandra deserved to have someone plead her case, not another time in her life, if she couldn't be mature enough to face up to things on her own then she wasn't ready for whatever it was that she and Robbie had. Which was a shame, undoubtedly, but it was the truth nonetheless. I wanted Robbie to be happy – how ironic that I should want someone else to be happy over my own family – and I didn't think Cassandra was the one to help with that goal. They were too different in their methods, he wasn't the least manipulative, and she was all smoke and mirrors. It was sad but it was fact, some things just weren't meant to be. I was learning that lesson the hard way and it seemed like so would Robbie West. Sighing, I concentrated my eyes onto the book I was holding instead. There was no better way to pass the hours than to get lost in someone else's imaginary problems. It was definitely a pick-me-up for my mood.
/&||&/
Lately, Fridays could never come soon enough. It was like the moments passed by with slow torture deliberately and the day before the weekend was the worst. Or I was just disgustingly grumpy about life at the moment and having a hard time getting through the minutes until I could lock myself in my room and ignore everything else. The second was the most likely option, I knew that, but it was easier not to focus on the fact that my life sucked right now and it was mostly my fault. I sat my lunch tray down at the usual table, which had been filled with strangers for the past couple of weeks, because Mora and Jessica refused to even look at me. Concentrating on peeling my orange, I didn't even look up when someone took the seat across from me until she cleared her throat and asked in an all too familiar voice, "How are you?"
There was a timid quality to the question but I hardly noticed, as my heart had lodged into my throat. My eyes shot up and I looked at Jessica, a bright smile spreading across the features of my face. I didn't care what menial thing she had to say to me, I was just glad she was talking to me, it had been a good while since we'd had a fight that lasted this long was this serious, so it felt good to have even a semi-normal moment right now. I had been a day away from just showing up at her house and pleading my case, which I probably should have done anyway, but sometimes I get stubborn about things and avoiding becomes the priority. Of course, Jessica would know that about me. And, of course, Mora would not. I could see that she was still sitting two tables away and had her body angled away from the two of us like she couldn't even look over here. Shaking my head, I dropped my orange and let out a huge sigh of relief.
"I'm kind of lousy, but better now just cause you asked," I couldn't help from smiling again, even though it was more than true that I was just as lousy as I'd claimed to be.
Jessica snorted and turned her head down to her tray, picking up her fruit cup and peeling it opened. Looking back up at me she smiled slowly and shook her head along with me, followed by a shrug of her shoulders. "Well, I couldn't let you suffer any longer. I was cruel enough."
I knew I had a lot of apologizing to do, I just couldn't function to find the words, I was so glad she'd even have come over here. I guess it didn't hit me, the full weight of how alone I'd actually been (and hating it) until this moment. I had been processing it, but only on the surface, going through the motions of everyday without actually paying attention to what I was doing.
"I quit cheerleading," I offered, instead of all that mushy ridiculousness, breathing out a sigh of relief.
Jessica dug her fork into her fruit cup with another nod of her head. "I noticed," glancing behind her to where Mora was sitting with her new group of friends, she stopped eating for a second to look from her to me. "We noticed."
"So she's still mad at me?" I didn't really need to ask, it was obvious, Mora had stormed off on me without so much as a good-bye when I'd told them. Mad wasn't even the right word, she was outraged, it was like some kind of personal betrayal in her eyes and I just didn't see why it had to be that big of a deal. I'd kept some things from them, I knew that, and in the process of this whole thing that had made me become a shitty friend for a while. I guess I hadn't been there for either of them to hear what was going on, it had all become about me and my next drama, but that was not intentional on my part. I was sorry. She had to be able to see that. But Mora was more stubborn than me.
"I've been friends with you since forever," Jessica supplied, getting back into her fruit cup. "I get you and your crazy ideas sometimes, your need to right the world." She licked her lips and looked up, locking her eyes with mine. "We've never even gone that long without talking before. And it was stupid, I shouldn't have been mad at you," Jessica looked down, dropping her fork in a slightly guilty way.
"I think it just upset the balance of things," she went on. "I kind of felt like you thought you were better than me all of a sudden. I know, that's insane, but it felt like you dropped us for the other crowd." And even though she didn't say Andrew, it was implied, I felt my cheeks heat up a little in embarrassment. "Besides, you making out with two different boys at the same time?" Jessica widened her eyes, as if astonished. "It was like you were a stranger."
"I know," I put my hands to my cheeks, trying to cover the blush, and told my heart to stop racing like that. "I know it seemed crazy and I can't really explain it. Explain how different Brian and Andrew are, but how alike," I bit my lip, wishing I had the words I needed to make this make sense. "It was…" I paused, not even knowing how I could classify it. "I'm only human," was the only thing I could settle on. It wasn't like I had chased Brian, not really, I had sought him out a time or two but he'd done all the work there. I hadn't meant to lead him on, only to understand him, and it wasn't my fault that this made him feel in any certain way. It also wasn't my fault that Cassandra had lied and confused things in the first place, or everything had spiraled out of my control.
But some of it was my fault. And I had to accept responsibility for it eventually, I couldn't brush it off forever. It was my fault that my friends felt isolated and then blindsided by the truth. It was my fault that Andrew felt as hurt as he did, as confused as he was, despite the fact that he had dolled out just as much as he'd received (and more). It was my own fault I was so unhappy right now and my fault I'd gotten involved in it all in the first place. I'd had a choice, we all had choices, and if I had made a better one none of this would be unraveling right now.
"I know that." Jessica said lightly, like it was nothing, waving a hand in dismissal. "And I'm not saying it's all your fault, it isn't. But Mora has her reasons too, you know," Jessica frowned then, pushing the lunch tray away from her with a sigh. "Look at it from her point of view," she leaned her elbows on the table and looked at me seriously. "We're graduating in a few months and leaving her here, you know, and all we've done for the last few months is fight with each other." Jessica glanced guiltily down. "I started dating James and I know she didn't appreciate it. She couldn't even complain to you about it. And all this time no one's really been telling anyone the truth. Then you go off with that crowd like her friendship doesn't matter and only come back with truth after it's all come apart. So, yeah, she's still pissed off." Jessica winced and I winced with her. There was nothing I could say to that.
"Well I don't know what to do," I finally managed, pushing my mashed potatoes around the tray dejectedly.
Jessica sighed. "Give her some time, I guess, then talk to her. I don't know either. I just know that we've been friends for too long to continue ignoring each other. I'm dying to talk to someone about my college essays and what James and I are trying to tentatively plan for the summer. And, you know, just life…" Jessica smiled, seeming to relax a little more that she'd gotten all of that out. I smiled with her and laughed a little bit in relief.
"Good because I was sad. And I'm really sorry about all of that, I never meant to make you feel like I was replacing you, or didn't want you involved, or anything else that I did among the millions of things lately." I let out a nervous laugh and brushed my hair back as Jessica smiled, probably because of the familiar way my hair still wouldn't behave. I rolled my eyes at that and stood up to go dump my tray, looking over my shoulder as Jessica got up with me.
"Now I gotta ask you how that history quiz was because I have not studied for anything in about a month or more." I laughed, sighing at myself, and looked at her seriously. She broke into laughter and dropped an arm on my shoulder, shaking her head at me.
"It's good to see you talk about something normal."
I smiled, I had to agree that it certainly felt good.
/&||&/
I felt better, like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders after reconciling with Jessica. Nothing in my world had been right for such a long time that I had forgotten how miserable I really was. From home to school and school to home, all the while avoiding any human interaction because it turned into a fight. It had been weighing on me more than I knew it would, more than I even recognized. Having a friendly conversation was almost unheard of lately. Everything was drama and it was exhausting. But getting some of what I had messed up straightened out was like breathing in new air, refreshing, I could actually feel an end in sight. Things with my sister might never be right again, and that was just something I would have to accept, but all was not lost. At the end of the day, I was still me, and that was what mattered the most right now. Everything had come apart in maybe the worst of ways, but lessons were learned, and now I could understand what it was that people meant when they said the mistakes were worth it.
I was still reeling from the momentary relief of having a weight lifted off my shoulders when I made it home, so I didn't notice him right away. I should have, before I even walked in, his car was parked on the side of my house and my heart should have been skittering a mile a minute, but I was so lost in my own little universe that I missed that detail. Which means I was basically blind-sighted when I walked into my house and came upon him. It was like he belonged there. He was sitting in my living room with the twins, laughing like one of them had just been really amusing, and they had that stupid board game stretched out on the floor between them.
Andrew was waving around the little tiny replication of rope and one of those picture cards, with the back facing the boys. Jake was calling him a cheater and pointing accusingly but Josh had rolled his eyes and seemed a second away from hopping up to do something else. I froze where I was standing when my brain took it in and I was so shocked, I think my fingers went completely numb. My bag slipped from between my fingers and the contents spilled, scattering across the carpeted floor.
Jake and Josh both froze, smiles kind of painted in place, and looked from what they were doing over towards my expression. Which must have told more than I'd meant it to because they dropped their cards, almost in unison, and stood up to troop out of the room without even being prompted from anyone. No excuses, just up and out of there. It would have been funny if it wasn't so damn horrible. I couldn't process what to do with myself so I just stood there and I knew my expression must have been something to stare at because when Andrew's eyes met up with mine I could read all the guilt in his.
He straightened up the way he was sitting and pushed the board game a little bit away from him, dropping his eyes down to the floor. I caught my breath and reanimated, bending down to pick up the stuff that had spilled out of my bag and shoving it back in there by the handfuls. My hands were shaking. I wasn't sure if I could look at him again.
My mind was going a mile a minute by this point. Why was he here? What could he possibly have to say to me now, after all this time, after the last time we had spoken to one another? I had been pretty clear I wanted nothing else to do with him. Or at least I had hoped I'd been clear enough. And he had most certainly made his point of view plain, there was nothing left to wonder about as far as what he could want from me. For weeks he hadn't so much as asked me how I was feeling, and the only time he'd shown the slightest interest in me was to send Robbie over and spy on my mood. Which was still baffling to me, because I couldn't see what he cared about it. Maybe my original assumption about Andrew had been correct, maybe he honestly did just like to string people along and I was his favorite pet. He'd been pulling me back and forth for long enough, why should he stop now?
But he had said it, as plain as day, he didn't care about what I did anymore. The problem with Andrew, the real problem, was that he could never just be honest about what he wanted and how he felt. I couldn't read him. I thought I knew him better than I had any right to, especially with how he covered everything up and shut everyone out, but I wasn't a mind reader. And he was a mystery to me more often than not. I couldn't know what he expected of me, I couldn't give him what he needed, I didn't even have a clue what that was. Robbie had said I wasn't really trying, and at the time it seemed like he must have had a point, because he and Andrew were like different extensions to the same limb. But the more I thought about it, the more I rejected that.
I hadn't wanted to push Andrew. Was that wrong? When Drew felt cornered he simply shut down and I had learned that lesson the hard way more than once. So if he pushed me away and I simply reacted, how was that my fault? It went in circles with us and I was sick of it. It turned out that this whole thing was really simple. Andrew made me feel small and insecure, he made me second guess myself, and why should I want that? What was I supposed to do with that feeling? I deserved better than that. I deserved someone that thought I made them better just for knowing me. It was only complicated because even as I told myself all of these things in my head, while my shaking hands righted the materials in my bag, my heart was saying the complete opposite.
I could hear the patter of my heartbeat so well that I thought Andrew probably could too. It was racing. I couldn't think over my curiosity for what he was going to say to me. And I just wanted things to be made right again. Because I had missed him. Because, damn everything else that told me I shouldn't, I loved him. And I wanted him so much I couldn't think past it.
"I owed the twins a game of Clue," he stated, his voice straight forward, like it was nothing. Like it was everyday that he would be sitting in my living room, interacting with my younger siblings, because they were just friends like that. It was so him, I couldn't hear any hint of apprehension in his tone. God that was infuriating.
But then I stopped fiddling with my bag and looked back towards his face, and felt my throat go kind of dry when I realized his expression still hadn't changed. There was this heartbroken tilt to his eyes that staggered my breathing. Reluctantly, without my permission at all, my lips curved into the smallest of smiles. Almost in response, his shoulders dropped a little bit and his stance relaxed.
"I'm sure they wouldn't have forgotten." I tried to match his tone but, as usual, there was a quiver in mine that spoke volumes about how much was being left unsaid. A smile spread across his face when he heard it, not in a teasing fashion, but it was a look you would expect to see from someone who had just realized there was still a bite of their favorite food left. It seems silly, but that was honestly the first thing that came to mind. My stomach fluttered.
"They were kicking my ass." He laughed softly and shook his head to himself, some of his too long hair dripping right into his face and my fingers itched, but I held my spot, feet rooted into the carpet.
"They were probably cheating." I shrugged and forced my feet to move, one step farther into the room and then another. "You weren't done, I can force them back down here if you want."
His smile dropped a little around the edges, he shook his head, and his eyes traveled over me like he was looking for something. I felt self-conscious then but tried not to shift in response, tried to keep myself in place and hide the fact that I wanted to check my hair, my clothes, make sure that everything was in place.
I probably didn't look all that great. Just an old pair of jeans that I had stretched to fit me in a little bit too comfortable of a fashion, but I didn't care. A regular cotton t-shirt, no make-up, it could have been four or five months ago by the look of me. I knew it. On the inside I cringed, but only slightly, this was who I was and I didn't care what he thought about that. Okay, I did care, but I didn't want to. And there was power behind that at least.
"I didn't come here to play Clue," he said after a pause that had lingered just long enough to become awkward. "I thought you'd be here earlier."
I didn't owe him an explanation, I knew that, but my mouth still opened with one. "I spent some time with Jessica," and right after saying it I realized I should have let him wonder. Made him worry. Because it was really none of his business how I was spending my free time anymore. He nodded in understanding but his eyes widened just a little bit in surprise at my admittance.
He seemed to consider his words for a moment. "That's great," he stood up, shuffling in what I could only consider a mildly awkward way for maybe the first time I had known Andrew Wiser. Like he didn't know what to do with all of himself. He shoved his hands into his pockets. "You two have never gone that long without speaking before." It wasn't a question, I don't know why I felt like it should have been, but it wasn't. His statement was true enough and still it rankled me, like he had a right to know that about my life, or to feel relief with me for the improvement. He didn't.
Maybe that was why I could suddenly move into the room fully. I didn't even pause to think about what was going to come out of my mouth before I snapped at him. "What do you want? Because if you're not here to see the twins then I don't know what you could need. Unless you want to plea Robbie's case with Cassandra. Then I'd wish you good luck with that because she is in top form right about now. And you're not going to get very far."
He scoffed and it couldn't be more clear that my mood had eased him into his own. I suppressed a sigh and watched his facial expressions change. The guilt lifted and it was replaced by that inscrutable look I had grown used to seeing when he didn't want anyone to know him. He tilted his head slightly and his smile was almost not there, just a hint of what it had been before, but it still teased his lips.
"No offense to you Kelsey, I know she's your sister, but I think Robbie's better off." He moved around the coffee table and went to sit on the couch, like I had invited him to, and not like I was looking at him as if I wished he would disappear into thin air before my face. Like this was a nightmare I wanted to end and I could just will him away with serious thought. He twisted his body in my direction, imploring with his eyes that I sit down and I moved automatically to answer his unspoken plea. My body was a traitor.
I did, at least, make sure there was as much space between us as possible. I was practically sitting on the arm of the couch. I heard him laugh, very softly, under his breath as he watched me situate myself. I didn't care. He nodded, as if he understood and agreed with me, and shifted over so that there was even more space between us.
"I wanted to talk to you," he started but then he stopped, dipping his head down to stare at his lap. He licked his lips and pulled in a slow breath like this was hard for him to do. "The last conversation we had was…" he searched, my shoulders tensed, I could think of words to fill in the blanks but it wasn't like it mattered. I could see he was actually trying not to be rude, which was maybe a first for us, for him with me. "I don't like the way things ended." He picked back up after clearing his throat, taking a different route.
I pursed my lips together and nodded. "Still, I'm not sure there's much left to say about it. You have your opinions and I have mine. The basis hasn't changed."
He frowned and he honestly visibly deflated. I nearly felt bad for the way my tone clipped. But what had he expected? It wasn't everyday that a girl got broken up with by someone who had been too chicken to clarify a relationship until he didn't want one anymore. What even was that? Thinking back, I couldn't believe I had dealt with that for so long. I steeled my reserve and forced myself not to take it back, letting my words soak in despite the look on his face. He could sometimes appear so innocent, so childlike, and when he looked disappointed it was heart breaking.
"Maybe it hasn't changed for you, but it has for me," he answered back and his tone had gone soft, a sort of regretful musing that made the fluttering business going on in my stomach kick up into overdrive. "I was wrong, with the way that I came down on you. It shouldn't have been like that." He shook his head to himself, almost in disbelief with what he was remembering, and turned his imploring eyes full force onto my own. My breath caught and I know he saw it. To his credit, he did not flash that infuriating smirk in response.
"I'm sorry that I hurt you Kelsey, it was childish and unnecessary. I should have talked to you about how I felt, I know that. I should have clarified things between us when you asked me to. And maybe it wouldn't have gotten there, I don't know, but either way I shouldn't have been blaming you." He smiled in a self depreciating kind of way and sort of shrugged, coming to a stop as his words appeared to run out. I frowned and squirmed uncomfortably.
I wanted to hold onto my anger, a lot of it was still valid, but I couldn't in the face of his sincerity. An honest apology from Andrew Wiser was nearly impossible to come by. Still, two words couldn't put things back into place when I didn't even know where the right places for things were.
"I appreciate your apology, Andrew," my tone had melted a lot, I could hear it. But he didn't smile at the sound of it the way I thought he might. He looked at me like I'd told him to get out instead and dropped his head into his hands. I blinked in surprise and leaned back against the arm of the chair. "I mean it," I tried again, hedging, my voice even more weak than before. "I know how much that took from you and I really appreciate it. I'm sorry too, I never meant to hurt you. I didn't think things through and I should have. I owed you more than that."
He didn't look up at me. He talked around his fingers instead. "It was never that I didn't want to be with you," he shook his head, hands still connected to his face. "I always want to be with you. But it wasn't supposed to happen like that. It was supposed to be us. You and me. And, I don't know, when everything else came into the picture I just didn't know how to compete with that."
My forehead wrinkled, I had basically no idea what he was talking about anymore. Andrew had gone some place I couldn't follow, I shook my head in confusion and shifted, trying to get a look at his face. His position held, so I reached out a hand and very tentatively brought it to his face. I touched my fingers to his on one of his hands and tugged, a kind of gentle reminder, a question. He let his hands drop and straightened his shoulders to look at me. His eyes were sadder now than I had ever seen them before. My frown matched his in depth after noticing.
"What are you trying to say?" I smiled a little around the corners of my lips, shaking my head at him to show how confused I was. "I have no idea what any of that means. I never know anything that you mean. I don't know if you think you paint things perfectly clear or not, but you don't. You're so hard to read, I have no idea what you want or what you're wishing for, or what you even are saying to me half the time. You're too closed off, do you realize that? I can't read you half as well as I pretend I can."
"I'm not good with explaining things," he countered. I tipped my head and gave him a look. One of those 'you have got to be kidding me' kinds of expressions. His frown eased into an unsure smile. "I can try," he offered, shrugged his shoulders a little helplessly, and glanced down at his lap again.
"I would appreciate that. A lot."
He laughed softly. "I think you know," he shrugged. "You and I have had this thing, back and forth, for a long time. Maybe you took it a little more to heart than I meant you too, but it was all teasing. Like I said, I'm not good with explaining. And like you said, I'm too closed off." He pulled in a breath. "I know that. I have a hard time trusting people with my feelings. Trusting them to do the right thing by me. I expect to be let down and so I push before I can be shoved away. I never meant to do that with you but I guess I'm technically always doing that with you. More than anyone else." His smile was still that sad one that I was trying to will out of my memory. I hated to see him look like that. At me, and especially because of me. Somehow, it wasn't right that I should give him any reason to feel that way. This time I sighed.
"You do," I agreed, because there was no way to deny the truth of it. "You push me away a lot more than everyone else. I just thought I did something to make you hate me, at first. And then I thought maybe you were just a jerk, I don't know," I shrugged my shoulders half-heartedly, trying to figure out a way to describe things. "You kind of are a jerk, you realize that? Sometimes you do things, or say things, for the simple purpose of hurting my feelings or making me feel stupid about it." Somehow admitting that made me feel uncomfortable. Like I was saying something that was only true if I acknowledged it. And now I had. I shifted and my eyes slipped from holding his gaze. I couldn't take the expression on his face anymore.
"I'm sorry about that too," but his voice had lost some of the charm it usually held, like he wasn't sure there was much of a point to what he was saying anymore. Like he thought it was futile anyway. His mouth said he was sorry, but his tone plainly stated that he didn't think it made a difference either way. I sucked my bottom lip between my teeth to hold back everything that wanted to spill from my mouth. I wasn't sure what I was going to say, but I just knew that I'd better not say it, because this was probably never happening again if I interrupted it now.
"I never mean to hurt you. I guess I'm just not very good with avoiding that. I want to be with you, I," he shook his head, struggling for the words. "I don't duck out on you because I'm ashamed or anything stupid like that. I'm not avoiding you sometimes because I'm unsure about you. It's never that. But it's like you can get only so close before all the alarms start shooting off and I just can't help myself. I …" He trailed off and I could tell by the way he paused that he wasn't sure where to go from there.
I wasn't sure how I felt. Disappointed maybe. It seemed like whatever he was going to tell me would be some spectacular reason why we had been doing this crazy back and forth, and what I got was just as much as I already knew. He had all the walls up, so thick I couldn't see beyond them, and now he couldn't even tell me why he wouldn't let them down for me. What was I supposed to do with that?
I drew in a breath and stared down at my lap for a while, deliberating, chewing on my bottom lip as I tried to work out what to do with this. "Again, I appreciate your apology. It helps to know at least where things stood. That last fight was ridiculous and it shouldn't have happened that way. I guess I had feelings for Brian that I didn't realize at the time." I fiddled with the fabric of my jeans a little as I got through this, not daring to meet his look anymore. "I know that part was my fault, and so I'm sorry too. We were never just honest with each other. I was fascinated with Brian because of how open he was with me, about basically everything, he was just candid. You know? I liked him, but it wasn't Brian I chose. It wasn't him I wanted."
It seemed kind of pointless to think how useless Andrew's apology was without any concrete movement to let me in, when I hadn't offered anything either, so I just felt the words rolling off my tongue and didn't bother to try and stop them. This would be good for us. No dancing around it. No wondering about it. Simply the truth, because we'd left too many things unspoken for much too long.
"It wasn't him I loved," I added, only the slightest tremor to my voice. "It was you."
He looked about as shocked as I felt. My heart was probably racing fast enough to fly right out of my chest. I clasped my hands even tighter together and pressed them down against my knees, trying to stop myself from shaking or showing any kind of emotion. I even held my breath, too afraid that the speed of it would give away how vulnerable that admission had made me. Just when I thought I'd been hurt the last time by Andrew, I gave him another opportunity to tear me apart. What was wrong with me?
He stayed quiet for too long. And then, finally, he turned his head completely to the side to face me. I forced myself to meet his eyes. I felt like this was one of those scenes in a movie where the music stopped. Where everything stopped. And the two people sat opposite each other, each waiting on bated breath for something. Only I didn't really know what I was waiting for. Then he spoke.
"You said loved. Past tense." The question wasn't quite asked, not in so many words, but it was implied. And I knew just what he meant, it took the breath out of me for a moment as I considered what to say.
Nodding slowly, I blinked and shifted forward a little, to lean against my knees. I let my eyes leave his, focused instead on the carpet beneath our feet. I hadn't thought it was possible, but my heart was skittering even faster than it had been before. I was practically dizzy from it. Slowly, I licked my lips and answered. "I did." Pulling in a slow, steadying breath, I pushed up on shaky knees and ironed out my clothes. Glancing at anywhere but his face, I got my voice together enough to finish. "I think you should go now."
There was an even more tense moment where I stood, waiting for him to catch up, and he sat without knowing what to do. And then, without a word or even a glance, he dipped his head and stood up. He took a second, just standing around, before catching my eyes again. And in that second, just a second, where my eyes locked with his, I had the weirdest sensation. It was like all sound ceased around me, like time stopped, and nothing existed outside the two of us. Then he looked away and it was broken. I turned away before he did, but the sound of him opening and shutting the door behind him as he walked out of my life was unmistakable. Unforgettable.
To be continued…
A/N: I'm uploading them both at once. No wait.