l'adieu à mon ami

I can hardly breathe

I can hardly think

I can hardly move

I can hardly feel

I can hardly cope

I can hardly remember

And I cannot move on

I cannot breathe

You've stolen my breath

You've squeezed my lungs

Till there's nothing left

I'm suffocating slowly

I'm feeling lonely

all alone and so bereft

I cannot think

It means accepting this as real

Accepting things

And learning how to deal

Thinking leads to questions

And questions lead to guilt

That I couldn't see

Around the facade of content you had built

I cannot move

I want the world to stop spinning

I want time to stop

I want strangers to stop grinning

I want everyone to feel

Just a fraction of my pain

And understand at last

That my world will never be the same

I cannot feel

This pain rips me to shreds

It claws and gnaws at me

Until I want to crawl out of my own head

Just leave myself behind

And go somewhere that's not tainted

By the horrors in my mind

I cannot cope

This is out of my control

This is something I can't change or fix

And that knowledge slowly takes its toll

I watch my life crumble

I watch myself fall apart

And I catch myself wishing

That you were never in my heart

I cannot remember

The last things that we said

If I hugged you goodbye

Or what was your favourite scent

Your face is slowly blurring,

Your handwriting is long forgot

And all of this serves to remind me

Is how good a friend I was not

All I can think of is

All the things that never were said

Those quiet little nothings

Ricochet around my head

I hope you understood

Just what you meant to me

That the simple act of caring

Gave me the courage to be the person I was meant to be

I cannot move on

These thoughts dominate my head

They steal my sleep from me

And drive me from my bed

As the world moves on

It expects my tears to be all shed

But my mask is cracked

And my heart is broken

And I'm plagued by

These thoughts never spoken

These memories slowly fading

Slowly fading away

Serves as my own personal reminder

That I am not okay

I have time to heal now

And I have to learn to say goodbye

I'll withdraw into my shell

So maybe in a little more time

I'll realise that this is not our last farewell.

Time is an illusion - we think we will always have more.

I treasure the time I was priviliged to spend with you, and lament the loss of future time together. I love you, and miss you. I hope you've found the peace that you could not find here.