5I was trying to write for one of my stories and this came out instead... oh well.
My bones creak impatiently in time to the ticking clock – the sound that's become the theme song of my nights, keeping me awake, alert, and in constant motion. The pop of my ankles as I roll them restlessly is the only other sound in the apartment. Cold fire in the pit of my stomach that's become so common in the past months but never comfortable. I want to scream, to pace, to tear my skin to pieces.
This is what you do to me, waiting for you to come home. By the time you do, I'll probably be a broken mess on the floor that you'll have to step over on your way to the bedroom.
You never get tired of the twisted games you're so good at playing. You can't stand the idea of me loving you so you go through great lengths to stop me. But it doesn't work and a part of you already knows it won't but you do it anyway. I don't blame you I guess. Why would you want me to love you when you have so many people throwing themselves at you?
It makes me sick to watch you lap up their attention like a starved for affection beagle. But you aren't starved for affection are you? You're a fucking narcissistic rich boy that craves attention but not due to a lack of it, the more you get the more you want. Just like everything else.
A hundred times a day I wish I never met you. I wish I hadn't been fooled by those blue eyes of yours that everybody falls for and drawn into your dark circle that I'll never be able to escape from. I wouldn't be up at three in the morning on a Thursday night feeling my body deteriorate from the outside in.
But then I always think of that certain grin. The one you reserve just for me because somehow I've managed to burrow into a special niche in your life. God knows how and if forced to do it again I don't think I could, but somehow, somehow I'm here and despite what many think, it's far from paradise. But that grin, oh that grin, how fucking special it can make me feel. It tears me apart and pastes me back together. Whenever you flash it, I can't help but wonder if it'll be the last time I see it. Please don't let it be the last time.
You try to pretend I don't love you, you even make me promise not to. I could wish all I want that you do that trying to protect me from hurt, but we both know that's not true, just like we both know that I already do love you. I can't help it. Remember that time you came home completely plastered and crawled into bed with me? You wrapped your arms around me and buried your face in my neck. And then you said something that knocked me off my feet. You thanked me for always being here when you got home. Like it meant the world to you. That's when I fell in love you, that's why I can't leave you.
Some part of you needs me and it would break my heart to leave – even though it crushes me everyday that I don't.
I can't help but hope that someday you'll love me too. Even though I already know that it's as futile as any effort I make in this twisted thing we laughably call a relationship. The hope still lingers, and in the end, I'm afraid that's what will destroy me.
I think you have the capacity to fall in love. I think everybody does somewhere deep down, but a part of me already knows you'll never love me.
Even though I know that, I can't leave. I'm afraid of what would happen to you if I left – and if something did, I'd never be able to forgive myself.
So I stay, and I will for as long as you let me. It hurts and makes my body crawl in a way that's slowly destroying me. A cold, creeping fire that I'm always afraid one day you won't be able to extinguish.
But I'll withstand it because I love you. I'm too weak not to.