"Ah, you're in for your frontal lobotomy, correct?"

"This is my first time performing open heart surgery on a live patient. I'd like to keep it that way. Live, I mean. I want to keep you alive. Isn't this exciting?"

"Ohmygod! Isn't that dose of anesthesia a little too high?"

"Don't worry, I'm a trained professional. See, there's my diploma right there… well, it was there… maybe over there – no… Well, I never did graduate anything more than sixth grade, but you'd never suspect that in the operating room."

From a very old doctor:

"No, don't worry, it's a routine procedure. No risks. It's me that might not live to see the end of it…"

"The bad news is, we've discovered a malignant cancerous tumor. However, there is some good news: I just saved a lot of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico."

"Remind me which arm we're amputating again? I don't want to deprive someone of a perfectly good arm."

Variation of above:

"Left arm? You're sure? No? Well, that's okay. We can always come back and do more!"

"Let me explain before you do something foolish, like calling your lawyer."

"Now, just in case something happens, which I'm sure nothing will, but, I mean, you never know, so in the astronomically unlikely event that something does happen, just to be safe – have you written a will?"

"Luckily, I have very good liability insurance. Of course, you'd still be screwed, but I would be covered."

"You're having a baby? Too bad I can't help you deliver it. I'm not qualified to do that, but I have extensive first hand knowledge of the baby making region."

"It's a boy! No, a girl! Wait, boy! Girl! …Oh, dear God!"

"Common medical procedure tells me to make a small incision here. But… the voices tell me a gaping six inch cut near the jugular would be more appropriate."

"There's been a little mishap. I hope you weren't planning on having children."

"We had a power outage and there's no backup generator. Well, you know how troublesome facial reconstruction can be in the dark. Thank god you're already married, and to a blind man/woman."

"We can't find a kidney donor, but there are plenty of spleens available. How would you like a nice second spleen? I think the kidneys and spleen are interchangeable, don't you?"

"I have a brother who makes coffins. If I kill you, I'll make sure your family gets your coffin for free. Fair trade?"

A/N: Reviews are appreciated. I'm thinking of continuing this to include other professions and types of people. If you have suggestions, let me know in a review.