Chapter 16
The Recording

Hey there, it's me, Claire. I mean, Claire Hodges. I mean... I don't even know what I mean. Whoever's listening to this, you're in for a bumpy ride. I don't really know what I'm doing here.

I thought confessing to an audio recorder would be easier than confessing to a priest since I'm not Catholic but apparently it's not. It's just awkward. Everything's awkward. Life is awkward.

I just wanted to tell someone the truth is all, but everyone here... they all would be so hurt knowing I'm not ready to go yet. Especially my parents. Knowing that I'm not at peace after everything they did to make me happy.

I lied to them. I lied to Jae. I told him I wasn't angry about being sick. But, God, damn me if I'm not angry. I'm angry at God for going through with it. He doesn't have to let me die, you know. He could make a miracle. He could save me but He doesn't want to. What the hell did I ever do to Him?

How can He take this away from me? Now? When I finally have Jae?

Why would He let us meet, fall in love, then take it away again like this? I prayed so long and so hard for this; this dream that I wanted to come true so badly. And all I succeeded in doing was screwing us both over. Jae's hurting so badly and it's all my fault. He must hate me for letting this happen when I knew I was going out. But I wanted him. I just couldn't let go of him when he was offering himself to me so easily.

Why did God let me have this when He knew what I was going to do? God is supposedly all knowing, and yet He still gave me what I asked for and let me crash through Jae's life like a bull in a china shop. It wasn't supposed to be like that. It was just supposed to be one little meeting: this brief moment of victory. But then I thought that if I wasn't with Jae, I'd regret it for all eternity. Death spent wishing I'd had let him love me.

Only... It's not like that. It is but... Instead I'm sitting here knowing that whatever comes after this is going to be me hating myself for breaking his life. I mean, his heart. But, God, it feels like his life that I'm killing. I just want him to hate me and make it go away. All this guilt. I can't stand it.

How come it's like I regret everything that I did in order to not regret dying? How come there's no way to go without regretting something? All I wanted was some peace. But now I think I can't ever have peace knowing that I hurt Jae and Grace and everyone else by making everything about me. About satisfying what I wanted because I seemed to think I had more of a right to it than them. Everything was so much about now that I didn't bother to make it last.

Most of all Jae.

I don't think he'll ever forgive me. I can't even forgive myself. I love him. I love him. Oh god... The things I did... How can anyone forgive me? Even now, it's like it's not really them I care about, it's all just me, me, me. I'm sitting here, dying, knowing how I screwed things up. And the truth is... the truth is that I'm scared more than anything that there's nothing after this. Even worse, that all this time there's really been a heaven and hell and I'm going there because no one's going to want me messing things up with my self-absorbed... selfish... I screwed up, Jae. I screwed up so bad. I'm so sorry. Please...

Oh, God, please forgive me...