I can't hold myself together
And I've lived so long now
without any notice or recognition
without really living.
I don't remember anything
half the things I do or say
I go about my paces.
And avoid you.
Every trace of you.
Every memory, scent,
flicker, note, or token
that can tear open that already
scorchingly painful hole
that you left behind.

You left again,
and how could you possibly
understand that I'll never give up?
I refuse to stop.
I know you too damn well.
You've lied, I know
and you're far from good for me.
But I don't care.
I condemn my self to you.
I wish I didn't, but I did a long time ago
without my own consent.

I've ruined other people's happy endings
I've created hope for others, only blindly
knowing I still loved you all along.
I hate it. I want so horribly to hate you
with every fiber, for what you've done
to yourself, what you've become.
Not what you've done to me.
That I've died while living here alone.

I've given what glimpse,
what shell of love I could to him.
I've given him what was left of me
damaged as I am.
I want his happiness more than my own.
He was caught up in this with warning
and I'd hoped he'd leave, like you,
knowing that he'd need more
than what was left of me.

I am grateful for his love,
his kindness and affection for me.
It kept me sane... I don't know
what you would have come back to
if not for him.

But you did come back,
and you came back to me.
And you told me things you ought not to.
And you regret it with every inch of you.
This wound has opened again,
and I'm back where I was a year ago.
Loving you, and you're gone.

I told myself I wouldn't,
but as I've said.
I never ask myself permission.