4BROTHERS
By Microsuede Mouse
Scientifically known as 'Obnoxiousus Bumus', the brother is an interesting species. Their evolutionary path is largely unknown; some believe a ridiculous theory that they are related to humans or even a breed of human. This is highly unlikely, even though they do breed best with humans rather than with other brothers. Slightly more probable theories include relation to the following: pigs, monkeys, ferrets, rats, and donkeys. Another theory, that many humans (especially sisters) are tempted to believe, is that they are in fact extraterrestrials that arrived on earth at about the same time that primitive humans evolved.
Most brothers possess the abilities to read, write and talk, remarkable traits considering their apparent lack of intelligence. Said intelligence is believed to be akin to that of a human, however, this usually is not evident until they reach the age of thirty. There is the occasional exception that chooses to, instead of acting like his kin, parade around making his 'great' intelligence a big show for the world. There is, very occasionally, the quietly intelligent brother. The only way that I can be sure that this is not a myth is that I have been most fortunate enough to meet some of them.
Brothers are a species with very primitive behaviour, which is the basis for the animal-related evolutionary theories listed above (see paragraph one). The two breeds, older and younger, act very similarly, but are not identical. Both breeds tend to be messy in all manners (body, dwelling, eating habits, et cetera), pleased to team up with other brothers to annoy sisters and then get into fights with said brothers, and consume large quantities of unhealthy foods. They also participate in activities such as lying, tattling, blaming someone else and even blackmailing siblings. Common pastimes among younger brothers include playing many superhero- and dinosaur-related games, making loud and elaborate sound effects, and building forts to pretend to live in. Older brothers tend to take interest in girls and cars, making louder and more elaborate sound effects, and wishing they could live in their own houses. It has been proven that nearly any brother of any age can be easily distracted by Lego, K'nex, and other such building materials.
The more brothers live in one household, the worse they seem to act. Families with many brothers can expect to go bankrupt very quickly due to the costs of adequately sized living space, enough food to fill their large stomachs and sports-related needs (equipment, teams, injuries and injury prevention, et cetera). People best suited to be caretakers for these families are war veterans, professional athletes, and people with very commanding and very, very loud voices.
In different cultures and families, brothers go by many names. While one couldn't possibly list all of these titles in a lifetime, I have managed collect a number of them for this paper: brat, freakoid, freak, jerk, creep, creepoid, weirdo, nutcase, nutjob, nut, wingnut, rat, ratfink, beastie, abomination, dipstick, turd, retard, monster, wee little creep, bum, devil, cub, infant terrible, chump, punk, guttersnipe, jackanapes, kid, puppy, pup, rascal, snotnose, terror, urchin, whelp, slave, slave boy, whippersnapper, ankle biter, grommet, imp, issue, kiddie, kiddo, tyke, sprout, squirt, small fry, fiend, gremlin, troll, rogue, scamp, sprite, nasty li'l creature, demon, holy terror, monkey, chimp, weasel, hog, thing, ragamuffin, mudlark, ogre, mutant, accident, miscreation, savage, whale, abnormality, behemoth, bugbear, bogey, hooligan, troglodyte, yahoo, imbecile, idiot, simpleton, dummy, critter, gargoyle, barbarian, monstrosity, varmint, insect, bug, spider, sneak, animal, lout, degenerate, sadist, swine, ruffian, and Beelzebub.
The brother is a mischievous and unpredictable creature, known to cause trouble, bankruptcy, and food fights. They are loud, immature, easily distracted and easily amused. They go by many names and titles, and are nearly as smart as the average human (or so they claim). It is suspected that they are related to several different animals, and they're good at hurting both themselves and each other. All in all, brothers are annoying and bothersome, but we put up with them anyway.
This idea came to me last night, and the essay otter (cousin of the plot bunny) wouldn't let go of my nose til I wrote it. No offense to brothers - I have two of the younger variety, and I love them. This is just for fun, honest! Reviews are great, flames are unwelcome. Have a great morning/afternoon/evening/night/day!