As I walked through the rain, I wrapped my arms around myself. I couldn't tell if I was crying, but my body was shaking as though I was. I pulled my hood over my head and turned into a dark alleyway. I fell against the brick wall and dragged my body to the ground. I landed in a puddle, but I didn't care. I put my hands over my face and then I could feel the tears. I could feel mascara running down my cheeks. I could feel the sobs that shook my body until it hurt. I could feel everything.
But that everything was pain.
I knew it was stupid to try and find him. I knew I was going to get my heart broken. I knew how many dangers there were, yet here I was crying over what I already knew.
I thrust my head back, hitting the brick wall behind me. It felt strangely wonderful. The stinging pain was bringing me out of my misery and mental pain. But for some reason, instead of continuing that pattern, I threw my head forward onto my knees and sobbed. I could feel the tears falling on my torn jeans and soaking through. I wrapped my arms around my legs and sat there for a moment, letting the tears fall.
I suddenly felt a hand on my shoulder and I looked up to see his face. The one person who had ruined my life. The one person who had put me on this track. The person who left me and broke my heart. The one person who I loathed with a passion, yet loved with all my heart. That one person was standing here in front of me.
I knew I must have looked horrible, with mascara smearing my cheeks and my eyes red and puffy. My jeans were ripped and rain-soaked, with hair to match. As I gazed at him, I pulled my hood farther over my eyes and turned away from him. "Don't you have someone you need to be with?" I said quietly. I laid my head on my knees so that I didn't have to see his beautiful face.
"I'm sorry," he said just as quietly.
"Why should you be sorry? You didn't do anything." I used my thumb to wipe away a few tears at the edge of my eyes. I felt him reach into my jacket pocket. I tried to hope that he had just found my wallet, but I knew he found it. The thing that brought shame to my face. I closed my eyes, hoping he would just go away and not pursue the packet that he found.
"This is because of me, isn't it?" I heard him flick the packet in his hand. The sound rang in my ears, causing me to wince and close my eyes tighter. "Please, look at me." I shook my head, still hoping he'd go away. I heard the wet ground squish under his feet and I opened my eyes, hoping to see that he'd left, shocked to see that he hadn't.
His face was still hypnotizing. The beautiful teal eyes that changed almost exactly like a mood ring. The eyebrow that was raised while he waited for an answer, but not raised in an accusing way. The small nose piercing that matched the little stud in his left ear. His lips were curved upward in a crooked smile. A genuine smile that travelled all through his face, making it light up as if we were in the sun. His black hair was wet and sending small water droplets falling down his face.
Right then I couldn't even describe how much I wanted to touch him. To just touch his defined cheekbones with a fingertip would be enough for me. At least that's what I thought. Another part of me wanted something more. It wanted a kiss. A kiss that was the same as it used to be. Slow and sweet, exactly like him. I wanted to feel the softness of his lips on mine again; I wanted to taste the sweetness again.
"It is my fault isn't it?" He held the packet in front of me like a cross to ward off evil. "This… Why? Why did you do it?"
I shook my head, unable to speak.
"You could have talked with someone. For God's sake, why would you do this to yourself?" He wrapped a large hand around it, hiding it from my view. "I'll get you some help. Come on, we can go now." He stood and held a hand out to help me up. I didn't even look at him. "Please, you can get through this. I'll even help you get through it."
I kept my eye on the garbage can only a few yards away. I knew the seat of my jeans was completely soaked through and was just getting worse the longer I sat in this puddle. He knelt down again in front of me. He held out his hand once again. I looked him in the eye, knowing immediately that if I did, I'd be lost to him. But I wasn't. I looked him in the eye and didn't crack. In fact, I felt stronger for some reason. When he insisted again that I go get some help, I shook my head. "No."
"Excuse me?" he asked. His voice had so many emotions in it – shock, confusion, annoyance, disbelief. It was hard to tell just what he was feeling at that moment.
"I'm not going with you. I don't need your help. I've gotten this far on my own." My voice was coming back to me now, it wasn't shaky or uncertain. My voice now had a mind of its own.
"But look where it's gotten you! You're living in that… In that dump with those men who use you! What are you doing with your life? Do you even know?"
I tried to ignore his remarks about where I lived and who I lived with, but it was too much. I jumped up, not even noticing the water splashing his slacks. "Why do you care who I live with? Why do care where I live? You're a jerk you know that? You swoop in and think you can save the day like some stupid superhero. Maybe I like my life the way it is! Ever think about that? Maybe I'm doing everything I can to get by!"
"Living the life of a prostitute is not doing everything! Do you know what you could have done with your life? You were an amazing student, why didn't you use that to your advantage? You could have done so much. But instead you've become a whore who lives in a run-down dump in the middle of nowhere. And for what?" He was shouting now. Pointing fingers even. And it wasn't just the pointer finger. "This crap? This cannabis crap? That's your reasoning for becoming a prostitute? How low can you get?"
I made a grab for the packet. "Why do you care how I live? You never cared before! You hurt me. You really hurt me. You cheated on me and got some random girl pregnant. And it was a complete stranger! I'm sure you paid her though. Just a while of enjoyment for a few bucks while I sat at home pacing the length of my house waiting for you to come home. I thought you crashed in the storm! Do you know how worried I was? And when I finally get the nerve to come back and see you…" I couldn't finish my sentence. I made another grab for the packet, but he pulled it out of my grip.
He moved closer to me so that our noses were almost touching. He put a finger up to make a point as he spoke. "Don't you ever think I would have chosen a prostitute over you. I love you."
I put a finger on his chest. "Don't you mean loved me? Or at least you thought so. I thought I loved you too. Maybe I still do. But I can't think about it because of your stream of steady profanities every time I insult you. Is that what you've taught your children? Well aren't you a moral father."
He grabbed my wrist. "Oh please, don't tell me you've never been in danger of losing your life to an STD. I can bet that every man that's paid you had disease. Those men are like street rats… Looking for every piece of trash they can find."
I wrestled out of his grip and shoved him backwards. "And don't you deny that you've never been one of those rats. Those slimy, dirty, disgusting rats that live their lives in the darkness. They scurry away at any sign of danger and build their nests in sewers. I know for a fact that you've been one of those rats."
He rolled his eyes. "I have never been nor will I ever be 'one of those rats'. Where would you get such a ridiculous idea?"
"Mmm… Roommate. Remember a girl named Jill? Poor girl was a wreck after the time she spent with you."
"Oh wow, there are more of you? I guess all us rats should just run and hide before the whores take over the world. You'll probably manipulate every innocent little girl into being someone just like you."
I don't know how, but I slapped him. I slapped him hard. His face whipped backwards and when he turned back to me, his cheek had a red handprint on it. I tried to slap him again, but he grabbed my wrist before I could. He thrust it to my side. He was shaking and I knew he was itching to give me a slap or two also, but he refrained.
"You know what you are?" I asked him. I answered my own question immediately: "Scum. Complete and utter scum. The type of scum that no one wants to touch because it's so utterly disgusting. That's what you are."
And then he hit me.
I wasn't expected for it, so it sent me sprawling to the ground. My head hit the brick wall and then sunk into the puddle. My eyes closed, but I was just trying to ease the pain crawling around the back of my head like a furry spider. I suddenly felt weight on top of me. I opened my eyes to see him straddling me, pinning my arms and legs down. He bent down over me to whisper in my ear:
"This must be a familiar position for you. How many men have you had like this? Ten? Twenty?" he laughed, but stayed where he was.
"You jerk! Get off me!" I attempted to shove him off me, but he stayed right where he was like he was steel or something.
"Don't you ever insult me again. I'll hit you harder than I hit you this time. Trust me." With ease, he lifted himself off of me and brushed his jacket free of invisible dust. "Get up."
I looked at him for a moment. He wasn't like I remembered. The sweet innocent young man who took my breath away with one look, one word even. He wasn't that man. Now his eyes were wild with rage and his mouth was in an unmovable scowl. What a joy it would be to piss this man off.
"I'd like to, but, alas! I'd rather not." To prove my point I set my head back in the puddle and closed my eyes. I felt his hand on my arm and he roughly pulled me up.
"I was willing to help you," he said as he took a step toward me. He took a few more until our noses were almost touching again. "But now I'm not feeling so generous."
"Oh please, you were never generous to begin with." I rolled my eyes and made a move to walk away. He grabbed my arm and pulled me back to him.
"You don't think I was generous? I gave you a wonderful home…" his voice continued with things he gave or said to me.
As he spoke I put my hands on his shoulders. There had to be some way to get the upper hand. Make him fall sprawling on his sorry little behind. A light went off in my head. Of course! He probably thought I was going to push him, seeing the way his stance was. Well, I wasn't. I had something… Better. I smiled to myself and connected my hands behind his neck.
"What in the world are you doing?" he asked.
I shrugged. "I really don't know. I don't have control over my body when I meet exceptional men such as yourself."
"Don't even think your little trick is going to work on me. I'm not a rat remember?" he attempted to pull away from me, but my hands were still connected behind his neck.
"Hey, I never said I was trying to seduce you. Maybe confuse you, but never seduce." I shrugged as I leaned in closer, lips almost touching. "I would never underestimate my strength, sir." And with that I kneed him in the groin and took off running. I heard him calling my name and telling me to get back, but I kept running. When I thought I was safe, I turned into another alleyway to catch my ragged breath. I hadn't run that much in a long time and my lungs were having a little difficulty inflating. As I breathed slowly I put a hand in my jacket pocket and cursed. He still had that packet! I looked down the street to see if he was coming after me and sure enough there he was, limping along the sidewalk at least forty yards from where I was. I decided that there wasn't much he could do to me with an injury like that, so I walked back, hoping he'd give me the packet. I stopped a few yards away from him and held out my hand. "I believe you have something that belongs to me."
He stopped and put his hands on his knees. "Do you really have to hurt a guy like that? God, that hurt!"
"Oh please, you'll live. Just give me my rightful possessions and I'll leave you alone. We can all live happily ever after and all that other crap in those fairytales. Whaddya say?"
He didn't answer for a moment. But then he pulled the packet out and threw it at me. It hit my chest before I caught it and stuffed it in my pocket. It was raining harder now and I needed to get home before I was missed. My roommates would have a fit if I wasn't home in ten minutes. I attempted to walk past him, but he stopped me and threw me on the ground. Not really hard, but enough to confuse me. He looked at me with narrowed eyes for a moment.
"It was an accident. A pure and true accident. You should have known that I wouldn't hurt you. Not for that kind of crap. The kind of crap you're doing now. I'm disappointed in you Catherine. You don't know how disappointed I am."
After he said that, he threw something else at me and walked off as best he could. I picked up the wallet. It was brown leather with a couple credit card slots and an area for bills. Sitting right on top when I opened it was a business card. I read it twice and rolled my eyes. I stood up, brushed myself off, and started toward home. I stuffed the wallet in my back pocket, but left the business card in my hand. As I walked past a trash can I threw the card away and kept walking.
As I walked, I didn't turn back once. I didn't turn back to see him who was walking the other way. I didn't turn back to see the trashcan holding the rehab business card. I didn't turn back to see the alleyway. And I didn't turn back to see if he was coming after me.
I was done with trying to change my life for the better. I was done trying to find him. Maybe someday I would help myself; maybe someday I'll change my lifestyle, maybe someday… That's all it will ever be: Maybe
And maybe isn't good enough for me.
A/N: Okay this is just a little story I wrote randomly. One of my good friends helped out a bit also. It's a bit over the top than I would have originally planned, but oh well. And Catherine means pure. Just to let you all know that. And this doesn't really need any reviews, but if you want to go ahead. Constructive criticism would be awesome!