Life is only worth as much as you make of it. My life, as I can make sense of it to this point, is worth about $1.50. I haven't done a single thing to improve upon the way I feel about myself. I suppose that is why I asked you out, if that makes any sense. It was, in a way, to help get this feeling of disappointment out of my soul. I don't really know what I expected you to say or what you would think, but it was something I had to do, not for you or anyone else but for myself. I should have thought about how it would affect you, I didn't think, and for that I am sorry. I guess I had some grandiose dream, a diluted idea, of what might have happened; obviously it was the opposite, but what is done is done.
I have learned that I can not change how I feel. No matter what you may say and no matter how you may feel about me, my feelings won't change. I hope that you can understand that, if not now than in the future. You should know that you haven't done anything wrong and you have never led me on, I have just always felt this way about you. You couldn't have done anything differently in the past to change that. Purely being around you makes me feel better about myself and about life in general. On many occasions you have been to soul reprieve from a horrible day, the light at the end of my tunnel. I have always hoped that there was some flicker that could ignite at any moment.
This being said, I don't know if we can be friends for a while, which hurts so very much too even think. The thought of not seeing you brings tears to my eyes, as if you have died; because, in essence, you have. I just don't see my feelings for you changing, not anytime soon at least, I can't speak for you but I don't think you will feel any differently about me. If I am wrong than stop reading and pick up the phone, but as I write these words doubt rings in my mind. You will not be calling. The reason I believe that this friendship can not exist is this, when I am with you or thinking about being with you, I feel wonderful. The earth is stopped, the sun can be put out and I would not notice the darkness. I am floating with just the feeling that you are my friend, but I am always wishing for more. I am always wishing for one, for you, and no one else. I don't even think about putting myself out there for anyone, I never look for that special someone to hold close and call my own. I just hope, beyond hope, for you.
Maybe I am being ridiculous; maybe our friendship means more to you. Maybe you won't just let me throw it away. If it does, let me know; I could never hurt you that much. I could try to get over this feeling, even if there isn't much hope, because the hurt I feel inside now isn't as bad as I would feel if I hurt you. It is possible that in a few days my feelings will change and you will get a call, but it could be a few months or maybe a few years. Just always know that I will miss you and I love you, I will always love you. Life will be terrible, it will be scary and it will be hard without you around but I fear it will be harder with you. Because when I am with you, I am never with you.
Goodbye My Love