Chapter Nineteen

Miles smelled exactly like the cologne I bought him for his birthday. I precisely remembered the moment he opened it, how his eyes lit up and he gave me a smile. Today, he wasn't smiling. In fact, the only reason he called me was to return something of mine.

"This is yours. I found it under the bed," Miles held out a pewter earring in the shape of an oval.

"Oh, okay, thanks Miles," I said gently. I took the earring from his hand, feeling an extreme amount of guilt for the way things ended as our hands brushed. He asked me if I wanted to come in and take a seat. He said we needed to talk.

"Okay," I agreed, following him to the familiar living room. It was odd to think almost a year ago I had moved in there, laid down on the sofa we sat on, kissed Miles in the same spot. Miles gave me somewhat cold glares that day and I suppose I couldn't blame him for them. The way he must have felt was how I felt when Connor left me. It was horrible to be the one that seemed to care more.

"So, Marissa, is wonder boy still marrying Ashley?" Miles asked, the temperament in his voice flaring up just a tad.

I rolled my eyes, wondering why I actually agreed to come back for a cheap earring I got at Charlotte Russe, but I stayed put on the sofa, giving him a sorry smile as I felt uncomfortable.

"Yes, he is," I answered, looking down at my hands.

"So, what are you going to do now?" Miles asked, I could tell he was still a little peeved with me. I tried to ignore the sarcasm in his tone and replied with, "Work, save money."

"Marissa, I just," Miles shook his head sympathetically at me now. "I just don't see why you won't let yourself be happy. We had a good relationship."

"We did have a good relationship. But jeez Miles, everything was so damn forced! You were always pushing me, moving me to set a date to marry you. Why couldn't you just accept me the way I was? Totally screwed up!" I found my voice to be louder than I wanted it to be. I inhaled and started over, since Miles wasn't speaking now. "Miles, I just didn't want to lie to you. You deserve so much better." I squeezed his hand, but he snatched it away from me.

"You're not screwed up Marissa. You just can't see things the way they are. Connor wants Ashley now, not you." If he didn't mean this to sound evil, well he was wrong. Coming over for the counterpart of earrings that cost $3.99 wasn't worth it. I swallowed hard, hoping the bile in my throat would subside.

"Miles…why are you being so mean to me? I know all of this."

"Sorry Marissa, it's just I loved you. I was willing to give you all that you ever wanted in life. A home, a family, love. I feel like I was betrayed."

"How were you betrayed? At least I stopped the wedding early!" I shouted at him.

"I just want to know what makes him so great, huh? What makes him better than me?" Miles leaned into me, his face close to mine, his breath minty. He always chewed Winterfresh gum. I felt my body tense up and I cowered in the corner of the sofa, like an animal being attacked by its predator. But I wasn't being attacked, just with questions I didn't feel like answering. I wasn't scared of Miles, but scared that I would cave into his wishes. He wanted to get back together, I was pretty sure of that.

"It's not like that Miles! He was…my…first love," I said, choking on my words.

Miles scratched his chin and then intensely looked into my eyes. "Tell me Marissa. Tell me you don't love me and then I'll back off."

"Miles, gosh I do love you. Just…" I couldn't finish that sentence. Instead, Miles finished it for me. "Not enough. Right?" Miles sighed and got up from the sofa. I sat still, wondering if this was my cue to exit.

"Well, then. I guess we're officially over. Have a nice life Marissa." Miles walked away into our old bedroom and slammed the door shut.

He just left me in his place, without saying goodbye. Then, I realized I left something else here. In the hallway closet was my favorite pair of sandals. I remembered packing everything but those damn sandals. Miles never used the closet. He just threw his jackets on the bed. I opened the door and grabbed my shoes. They were in the same exact spot as before. I smiled to myself, thinking this was the highlight of my week. My old forty five dollar Rainbow shoes were discovered! They weren't misplaced like I might have thought! I took my shoes and exited the front door, feeling a great weight being lifted off my shoulders as I did so.

I suppose Miles needed closure from me. I felt terrible for hurting him. He was such a nice guy and he deserved to have a loving wife. He just didn't realize he wouldn't be happy with me. He had to know I would spoil the rest of our lives, never cheerful like he was about simple things; like buying a house together or creating a sibling for Gracie. He had to know by now I wasn't good for him. Before Miles, I had set my life out on a plan; everything was supposed to be smooth, Connor and I would live happily ever after. We'd settle into a nice 3 bedroom 2.5 bath starter home and get a puggle puppy named Skittles (after my favorite candy of course) and nothing would get in our way.

Except, that plan was destroyed. My life now had no plan. Even if I found someone new, it would never be the same for me. I had a baby young, I got married young, I got divorced young. Now I viewed life different. I now didn't believe in love at first sight. I didn't believe in happily ever after. I filled my heart up with love for Connor and now that he was gone, there was no room for someone else. The new guy would always be second best. I hated to admit that, but it was true. That's why I promised to never hurt another innocent man along the way. He didn't deserve it.

My parents were planning a huge 25th anniversary party. Luckily our backyard was large enough, so they ordered a gigantic tent that would be decorated extravagantly and group called Tony and the Boys would play big band music. My mother picked out champagne and silver colored balloons, sent out invitations for the party to be held on a Saturday in May. I bought a gorgeous strapless knee length bronze dress with matching shoes. I hadn't spent money on myself in awhile, and shopping made me feel a lot better about seeing Connor and Ashley at the party, especially since Jade said I looked smokin' hot.

Jade and Trent finally agreed on a date and their wedding would be in the beginning of December. She already took me and Olivia dress shopping and we got wine colored bridesmaid gowns. Jade had yet to pick a dress for herself, calling herself a picky shopper.

My mother told me to hurry up and do my makeup or I would be late for their party. I only had to walk a short distance to get there, so it wasn't like I was concerned. However, I was very frantic about the way I looked. My head kept telling me over and over again like an annoying mantra that I had to look perfect. My cheeks couldn't have too much blush on. My eyes had to have the right matching eye shadow to complete my ensemble. I finally completed my hair up in a twist, my side swept bangs sleeked across my forehead. I did a pretty good job considering I did it myself. I put my new heels on and was ready for my dramatic entrance.

Too bad Connor and Ashley weren't there yet to witness it.

I walked over to my mother, who was talking to one of her oldest friends, Debbie. My mom smiled in admiration at me and gasped. "You look truly gorgeous."

"Thanks mom, you do too. Where's dad?" I asked.

"Probably smoking a cigar with his friends outside of the tent. He thinks I can't smell the smoke from here but I can," She said knowingly, but she wasn't angry, instead she laughed. She was the one who looked gorgeous, she hardly looked her age and at forty-eight, she lacked the wrinkles a woman her age should have. If she was single, she would definitely be considered a cougar. I gave her a smile, then asked where Gracie was. My mother had already brought her into the tent earlier.

"She's with Francine. She's showing her off to the guests," My mother said. Well then, Connor's parents were there but he wasn't yet.

"Oh and by the way, there is a surprise for you," my mom said, smirking and then giggling with Debbie. I think they already had too much wine and all of the guests hadn't even arrived yet.

Mom shrugged her shoulders innocently before adding, "I just want my daughter to be happy and I think this surprise will make you happy."

"So what is the big surprise?" I asked, just a bit irritated for the anticipation of the unknown.

"You'll see honey. Just relax. Have some wine and dance to the wonderful music. I'm so glad I picked this band," My mom said swaying in her seat a little. I decided to leave her then, as a caterer went by with some wine on his tray. I grabbed one, appreciating the taste as it hit my lips.

After an hour or so, everyone that had called in the month to RSVP had shown up. Jade and Trent came in the same car as Olivia and Griffin. They were dressed nice and I gave them all hugs, appreciating the fact that I now wasn't the only one in my twenties at the party. Yet, there was still no sign of Connor and Ashley. And no sign of my surprise for that matter. I kept questioning my mother, but she was always so busy with some of her friends, or dancing to Dean Martin tunes with my dad that I just gave up and sat with my friends, enjoying crab cakes and stuffed mushrooms.

"This is so pretty!" Olivia said, staring around at the décor. Lights were streamed, flowers in vases adorned the tables covered in white tablecloths. The chairs had slipcovers on them in white as well, with satin silver bows tied around the back. I picked up a party favor in it's little sheer bag; a wine cork in the shape of a heart and sighed saying, "Well, I still don't see a surprise."

"Yeah, I wonder what that is," Jade pondered with me.

Then, looking clean-cut and smelling amazing, Connor was standing next to me at our table, asking everyone, "Hey, what's up guys?"

"Nothing, just trying to convince Trent to dance with me," Jade said giving him silly eyes and poking him in the arm.

"I can't dance for my life! You saw me at that club," Trent said meekly.

Jade laughed at him. "At least you didn't care then! You were too drunk to care."

"Well, then, Griffin, would you dance with me?" Olivia asked, making sure her boyfriend wouldn't disappoint her.

"Sure," Griffin answered.

Olivia gave Jade a snide grin, that was all in good fun. Jade jokingly gave an evil face in return. I laughed at my friends and looked up at Connor, noticing Ashley wasn't with him. She probably found my daughter at this point, trying to steal her away from me or something. I took a giant gulp from my wine. Ah, alcohol. It has its moments when it is absolutely necessary, like now, when I was staring at my ex-husband, wondering why he was just standing there, when he could sit down in the empty seat next to me, the one Olivia used to be in.

As if he read my mind, he sat down, picking up the party favor that used to be in my hand and stared at it. Jade glanced at me and gave me a look that read, What's going on? I had to admit, she a point. Even if that's not what she was asking, I had to ask Connor, "Where's Ashley?"

Connor looked down at his hands and put the favor back down on the table. He let out a tense laugh and then looked at Trent instead of me when he answered, "Not here."

"So, where is she?" Jade asked.

"Probably her mother's." Connor got up now and went over to the bar that was set up. He got himself a shot of tequila and sat back down next to me. He raised his little shot glass in the air and said, "To Linda and Alan and their twenty-fifth anniversary." Then he downed the drink and set the glass back down. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and didn't look up.

Jade looked as confused as I felt, and I kept wondering if Connor and Ashley had gotten into some huge fight and he showed up at the party alone. Just then, Grace ran up to us and hugged her daddy.

"Look at my party dress!" Our three year old said with a big smile.

"You look beautiful!" Connor told her, picking her up and hugging her, then setting her back down.

"Where are your shoes?" I asked her, noticing she was now running around in her tights without the white maryjanes on. She looked at Connor and then back at me. She was thinking about it. "Grandma Fran told me I could."

"It's fine, sweetie, I was just asking," I told her with assurance.

"Hey Gracie, uncle Trent wants to dance with you!" Jade told her. Gracie's mouth opened in awe and she shrieked, "Yay!"

Trent looked at his fiancé and shook his head. "You know I can't say no to the little girl."

Jade laughed victoriously. "Now you have no choice. You have to dance. Just remember I will be cutting in," She told him. Trent got up with a defeated look on his face. Gracie held out her hand to him. We all watched as Trent started to dance on the dance floor, moving jerkily and awkwardly as Grace jumped up and down. Jade laughed and got up, telling us she needed to take pictures of it.

"No! She has to dance on your feet!" Jade ordered him as she walked away.

I smiled at Connor, but the smile on his face left as soon as Gracie was no longer in viewing distance, as the crowd of party goers started to dance around them.

"So…" I tried to start a conversation.

"So, how is your night going?" Connor asked me.

I shrugged my shoulders. "Okay, I guess?"

"I need more tequila," Connor announced standing up. He went to the bar and I was left alone. When he returned, he set one of two tequila shots in front of me. "I don't think mixing wine with hard alcohol would be the best idea," I said with a small laugh, pushing it his way.

"Okay, more for me," Connor shrugged and downed both of them.

Instinctively, my hand touched his arm out of pure concern and I asked, "Are you okay?"

"You know what? I am. And thanks for asking. I feel a lot better now, knowing you're here."

I didn't know what to think of his last words, so I just ignored it, because he was still engaged and now he was drinking. I wondered what the fight was about. "I'm going to get more wine," I told him, patting his arm as I stood up.

"Let me come with you. I need more tequila," Connor said.

I laughed at him. "I don't think you do."

Connor laced his fingers with mine and lead the way. I looked at his hand in mine, just a little shocked, but not minding it. Why would I mind it? When we got to the bar, the bartender laughed at Connor too, telling him he must love tequila.

"So, you two as happy as the anniversary couple?" The bartender asked us, pouring the tequila. I guess he assumed this because Connor's arm was now placed around my shoulder. I questioned to why he was being so touchy feely, but I didn't stop it. I giggled like a silly schoolgirl and accepted my wine.

"Yes, we are so happy. She is the love of my life, thanks for asking," Connor told the bartender and we left. I stared at him like he was insane. What did he just say?

"Connor?" I asked.

"What?" He downed that shot.

I gave him a perplexed look.

"Oh? What I said to the bartender?"

"Uh, yeah, that! What about Ashley?" I asked him. Okay, so I loved that he told some stranger I was the love of his life, but, he was still engaged!

"Uh, my wedding is kind of called off."

"So, that explains the drinking," I shook my head at him worriedly. I grabbed the empty shot glass out of his hand. "Connor, you are going to lead down a destructive path if you continue like this."

"Look who's talking, Miss Wine 2008. How many glasses have you had?" Connor was now getting a little buzzed I could tell.

"Just like, uh…three glasses." So I was a little buzzed too. He grabbed my drink out of my hand, causing it to spill a little on the ground in front of us. Luckily it missed my dress and my shoes. "What the hell Connor?" I asked him. I grabbed the drink from him and to mimic him I downed it, afterwards giving him a playful smirk.

"Dance with me," He ordered.

"What a minute. Lets back up. You're not marrying Ashley now?" It just now sunk in.

Connor shook his head and bit that delicious lip of his. "Nope."

"But you're still together?" I asked.

"Nope."

I had to smile…just a little. But it didn't mean anything. Just because he left Ashley didn't mean there was hope for us. Even if that kiss two months ago was incredible.

"Dance with me," Connor ordered again. He grabbed my hand and drug me to the dance floor. I looked at him incredulously. "What happened to the Connor I knew? The one that doesn't drink anymore, the one that-"

"Come on Marissa. You're ruining the best Frank Sinatra song in the world."

"Luck be a lady tonight" played on, the singer not nearly as good as Frank, but close enough. I giggled as Connor spun me around. I caught Jade staring at us with her mouth wide open. It wasn't until Connor dipped me, I remembered how my mom said she had a surprise for me. Did she know about Connor and Ashley splitting? I mean, they did talk a lot on the phone. My mom did say Connor was like the son she never had. Everything was just so damn puzzling! Why was Connor now holding me close, as the song changed to a slow one, one of my favorites, "You belong to me." The lyrics seemed to be written just for Connor and I. He belonged to me, I wished he thought the same as I did. I looked at him, questioning his motives to dancing with me. Did that kiss mean as much to him as it did to me?

"Connor-" I was about to confront him about it.

"Marissa, damn, you look so beautiful tonight. That dress is…is amazing," He told me, his face close to mine. I pressed my cheek against his and closed my eyes for a moment, savoring the dance, the way he had his hand dangerously close to my behind, how his other hand grasped my hand firmly. I bashfully grinned. "Connor, you know how to get on my good side don't you?" I asked him. Instead of answering me, Connor nuzzled my neck with his lips. I felt his warm breath against my skin, slightly giving me a chill that went down my body, causing my skin to turn goose bumped. I closed my eyes again. It felt like we were together once more, we never parted. All that time never occurred, it was just a silly dream I had one night. I wish. It did happen. So why was Connor acting like we were still together?

He dipped me again, his lips merely inches from my own.

"You're perfect."

Okay, so I wanted to look perfect that night and I wanted Connor to think so too, I just didn't expect this! And that's when I snapped out of my heavenly trance in Connor's strong arms and backed away from his lips that almost touched my own. He pulled me back up and I broke away from him. "What's wrong?" He asked as I smoothed down my dress, trying to gain my composure.

I was just a little aggravated when I replied with, "What's wrong? You dump Ashley and what? Now you think I'm going to jump for joy and run back to you?"

"What are you talking about Marissa?"

"I'm not sloppy seconds! I'm not second best. What? Now that Ashley dumped you, you need someone there to pick up the pieces, just so you're not lonely?" Connor didn't expect me to scold him like that.

He looked genuinely sorry as he said, "Marissa, Ashley didn't dump me. I dumped her."

"So, now you can come back to me? After all that time apart you decide I am now worthy to dance with?"

"Marissa, come on, I felt so awful about our split. I treated you like crap, I always wanted you to find someone that was worthy of you."

"So, you don't want me back? You want me to find someone else? To make you feel better about yourself for how you treated me? What, did you want to screw me one last time?" I was now jumping to major conclusions and there was no stopping me. I was too tipsy, too heartbroken, my emotions were jumbled.

Connor looked at me helplessly. "Marissa, you're not making sense," Connor was drunker than me, and he shook his head. "Why can't we just get along? Why do you always have to cause a fight?"

"See, there you go! Always blaming me for problems. Maybe you weren't the best husband! How does that make you feel?" I asked him, rage burning throughout my body. I bit the inside of my left cheek to keep from crying. I nervously placed my hand over my mouth. Crying would just make a scene. If we weren't making one already that is.

"That makes me feel extremely awful. Thanks," Connor said low and gloomily. He started to walk away. I was tired of him getting the last word. I didn't realize until now, that Jade, Trent, Olivia and Griffin were watching our little tiff. Thankfully we weren't shouting at each other loud enough for everyone to witness it.

"Connor!" I tugged on his arm, willing him in my head to turn around so I could tell him much pain I had all those years. "You hurt me so bad. Did you know how much I went through?" I asked him.

Connor looked at me with powerful eyes. "Of course I did. That's why I always hated myself. I thought you could do better than me. You found better than me and you got rid of him. I just don't want to hurt you. I never want to hurt you again so I'll leave you alone forever. I'm sorry I danced with you. I'm sorry I even showed up to this party. I'll go now," Connor exited the tent and walked down the side yard at a quick pace and went out the gate. I ran after him and stopped him by stepping in front of him, trying to block him from going to his car.

"You can't drive home! You drank too much," I yelled at him. Our friends followed behind us. Connor turned around and asked Trent to take him home. Trent nodded. "I'll be right back Jade," He told her.

Jade gave me a sympathetic frown as Connor hurried off to Trent's car and they drove off. I went back into the tent, forcing tears back, far, far away. That's when the singer of the band asked me to make a speech. Damn it. I had to make a stupid speech. I had one written out too. All about how much I cared for my parents, admired the love they conveyed for each other. But I was too shaky to say what I had rehearsed in my head. I got on the stage, grabbed the microphone and said into it, managing not to cry when I said, "I love you mom and dad. You're the rare ones. Marriages like yours, they're rare. Thank god everyday for it," my voice monotone and blunt. Then I walked off, the partygoers clapping their hands softly, not appreciating the lame excuse of a speech I gave.