10 March

Dear Diary

They said I should write it down everything I could remember, all my feelings and everything that seemed important. That I should tell my story and I see no better place to start than the beginning.

Life has never been a perfect fairytale for me. I didn't grow up wanting to be a princess; I never went on little perfect picnics with my parents. I didn't grow up arguing with my brother but knowing deep down we loved one another. No in my life there was no ploys or smart ways my family interacted. Nothing but the truth was ever said in the cold walls of my house. In my family only one language speaks …hatred.

'Shallow self-absorbed alcoholic' it's true, my mother enjoys a glass of brandy or four.

'Perverted paedophilic man whore' my dad does like his girlfriends to be quite young.

While I had been growing up my grandmother tried her hardest to protect us from it but my dad eventually kicked her out for her 'meddling' ways. While I had always been told by her that it was a lack of love or respect for themselves and each other that caused the arguments. David had made it very clear he blamed it on me.

'Before you came life was perfect, everyone was perfect then you came like poison and corrupted and killed everything' He has whispered to me one night when we were younger.

Oh David is my brother but don't tell anyone I'm not allowed to talk or even look in his direction. He doesn't want people to associate us together, one of David's many rules. For the last 10 years that line has run through my head like a broken record. At the age of six it had been a lot of my poor mind to take but deep down I knew I wished I hadn't been born. I had seen the pictures of them before me and they looked so happy. I guess everything must have changed the 28 February 1990.

"World welcome our beautiful baby girl, Janine Rebecca Martha Van Dickson"

A long name but in a way its kind of nice, I guess they must have put a lot of thought into it before they dumped me in the arms of the nearest nanny and went clubbing to celebrate.

My name is Janine, an average teenage outcast. I slum at the back of the class and try to draw as little attention to myself as physically possible. Blacks, browns and grey only. I've always been a bit on the shy side, a total contrast to my older brother David the soccer star. While he's winning championships and getting straight As. I'm just sulking it in the back trying to cram enough information in my head to pass biology this term while being a mere insignificant shadow in peoples lives.

It all started the day the headaches began, I was in Mrs Sullivan's English class….

I clutched my head in pan had been popping down aspirins like they were chewable vitamin C's since I left my house. Yet it still felt like a sledgehammer has hit me through my teeth and out of my eyes until the shear force just crushed my skull.

"You okay?" asked a voice, I turned to see the sweet smiling face of George. Georgie has been my next door neighbour for as long as I can remember. He was the only person in school who really talked to me.

"Yeah, I'm okay" I lied gritting my teeth together. No I wasn't okay, I was so far from it I felt like collapsing and dying right there and then.

"You don't look okay" said another voice, I turned to my right to see bad boy of Birchwood Robin stuffing what I think may have been one of his infamous 'special' cigarette back into his pocket.

"Thanks, for spotting the obvious, Richardson" Georgie whispered to Robin who rolled his bright blue eyes in response.

"If it's really bad, I could give you something to ease the pain" Robin arching one his pierced dark eyebrows.

"You loser, she doesn't want any of your sort of help, right Jan?" Georgie replied placing one of his warm large hands on mine. I smiled back and turned to look at Robin.

"It's not THAT bad, but if it gets worse…I know where to come" I muttered back.

Robin let out a low chuckle and swerved towards me before digging down into his bag. I had never heard Robin laugh before probably due to the fact I had never really talked to him. Why was Robin talking to me?

"She doesn't need your …." Georgie hissed at him

"….box of extra strong ibuprofen" I finished as Robin held out the box to me.

"I was only going to offer you some legal safe boring cheap drugs" Robin stated "Plus I'm off that stuff now. I'm at the point in my life where it's become boring to me"

"Yeah right" Georgie snarled sarcastically before snatching Robin's bag.

"Get off"


"Give it back, loser"

"Off the stuff my butt"

I watched as the two boys pulled the old worn out rucksack back and forth above my desk by now the whole class was staring at us.

"Boys, will you please behave?" bellowed Mrs Sullivan but the boys were just too focused on winning.

"Guys, will you please sit down?" I mumbled as a red blush spread across my face. I stood up from my seat and went to walk away when before I could blink Robin's bag tore open, books and pens scattered all over my desk and….two bag of marijuana, a bag with some tablets and some white powder.

"Ha!" Georgie shouted in triumph. I rotated to see Robin's pale expression, everyone knows that I you are caught then they kick you out. Robin's sparkly blue eyes seemed to lose all colour before he turned to catch my eye then all the life came jumping back into them. A slow smirky grin spread across his face. What was he up to?

"Richard….s….son, Van Dickson ….and Hampton, Mr Chambers now!" Sullivan shouted out shakily.

"What?" Georgie and I screamed in unison.

I rubbed my sweaty hands together if David found out I was in trouble for possessing drugs. There was going to be so much trouble when I got home.

"Ms Van Dickson, please come in" requested the receptionist as I walked into the cold dark room of Mr. Chambers. Chambers on top of his desk looking furious yet calm at the same time.

"Mr C..." I began only to be cut off by the gesture of his hand being raised.

"The boys have already talked to me" he replied, I let out a soft sigh." How you could have thought to have a mini smuggling ring on my premises I don't know"


"Do you think because Daddy and mummy have enough money to buy the school board six times over means you can do whatever you wish, you appalling spoilt brat?" He roared, my mouth dropped open in horror. They had lied sweet little Georgie had lied , Robin I'm not surprised but Georgi..George. He wasn't Georgie no more. He wouldn't have done that. After what felt like an hour of roaring blearing into my ears. I was dismissed and given a week's detention.

"Oh yes, I've informed your brother and he is outside the school now, you are suspended for the day" He said, the cold shiver that ran though I as David was mentioned stilled my brother.

" Why didn't you call my parents?" I cried back, anyone, anything was better than David.

"I am doing you a favour , now go!"

The emptiness that lurked inside as I saw David new fire engine Porsche outside the school was overwhelming. As I approached the car David stepped out and gave me one of his 'loving' smiles. I smiled back and opened the passenger seat. Two other seniors Regina and Eliza stepped out from the back, both gave him kisses and walked away.

" Janine" called out a voice, I looked up to see Robin at the school entrance. I sneered at him, what could I have expected from a stupid, bad boy druggie like Robin Richardson. I entered the car and blocked out the noise. Before Robin could even could even get closer David sped out towards the main road leaving a blur with blue eyes in the wind.. The silence in the car was almost a dull noise, I needed to say something….I needed to explain….

" David I …" Before I could even answer David grabbed my long hair and slammed me face first into the dashboard. I held back the cry of pain which was bursting to come out. Slow tears trickled down my face as I clutched my bottom lip and nose which both now bleeding. David still held my hair in his fist as he turned the corner.

" Drugs huh?" H said smiling at me. " Don't worry I know you don't do them. I mean it was Robin's bag it came out of, right? Man Chambers is stupid. You wouldn't even do something like that ….because you know I would be after you don't you?"

I nodded, this seemed to give my brother some satisfaction and he let go of my hair.

"Sorry" he muttered and parked in an empty McDonalds Car park. " Mum and Dad don't need to know, I won't tell them if you don't"

"Its okay" I replied, but I knew it wasn't. He smiled at me and pulled me closer to him until I was practically on his lap before he started stoking my head, my arm until it started to get lower near my stomach. Then his hand started to rise again near my chest.

"Dave" I whispered tried to pull away but his grip just got tighter.

"Wow, you've grown" He whispered in a some sort of loving voice. " Lovely dark hair, smooth pale skin, those eyes are like copper and that mouth…that mouth just looks like it is made for kissing, hard!"

Before he pushed down the roater on the passenger seat and rolled on top of me. "You're a big girl now, ready to act like one?"

The fear that suddenly rose in me was a whole new kind David had never acted like this before. I shook my head and tried to push him off me.

"Don't like that do you? YOU KEEP AWAY FROM HIM, ALL OF THEM. I FIND YOU BEEN AT IT WITH BOY LIKE ONE OF THOSE SLUTS IN OUR SCHOOL AND I WILL DO IT, JANINE. I WILL" he shouted, and then he shoved me out of the car onto the ground and drove off.

I got home around 8.00pm that night, my mother's limp body plastered to the floor with a empty bottle of vodka in her hand. I sighed and dragged her to the sofa and then went upstairs to retrieve a blanket with the familiar sound of my father's nightly activities. I groaned and covered my ears as I walked towards David's room. David lay on the bed in nothing but his underwear staring at the ceiling.

"Night David"

Another rule of David's is that he is the only one I said good morning or night too. He turned to smile at me with those wicked evil eyes, before giving my body the once over and turning back . I grabbed the biggest blanket I could cover her with and then slumped back into my bed, I could see the bright yellow light of George's room glistening. The pain burned, I couldn't decide which was worse my bruised nose and cut lip or the pain of being backstabbed . You would think by now I would be used to it but I'm not. So I cried and cried until I couldn't any more. This is how I end my days.