113Cigarettes and Gasoline
Chapter 8
Lift Me Up
So can you lift me up,
Turn the ashes into flames
'Cause I have overcome
More than words will ever say
And I've been given hope
That there's a light on up the hall
And that a day will come
When the fight is won
And I think that day has just begun
-Lift Me Up
-Kate Voegele
DEVON
I always dreaded going to Physics because Alex was in my class and sat right next to me. And it had been especially bad for these past few weeks since I'd run away. When I arrived in class that day, Alex was already in his seat. As soon as I walked in, his eyes were on me and I swallowed. He still scared the shit out of me.
I approached my seat slowly, and slid into it, dropping my messenger bag to the floor carelessly.
There were a few seconds of silence, before he spoke. "Show me your wrist."
I turned around to look at him, shocked.
"Excuse me?" I said softly.
He didn't hesitate, as he pinned my arm to the lab table and rolled up my sleeve.
"Get off me," I hissed.
He glanced at the few scars that were there. Since the incident of Grace walking in on me cutting, I had cut a lot more. Almost every day. And they had gotten deeper and deeper.
He sighed.
"Who gives you the right to touch me like that?" I demanded, narrowing my eyes at him.
"No one gave me the right. I did it anyway, though."
The teacher, Mrs. Carpenter, entered the room, and I hurriedly pulled down my sleeve, realizing it was still rolled up.
"Good morning, class!" she greeted us, vivacious as always. "I've got a new project for ya'll!"
The class groaned together. "C'mon, Mrs. Carpenter!" someone shouted out.
She just smiled brightly. "This one isn't going to be nearly as hard, seeing as it will be a partner project. You will be working with the person on your left."
I turned to Alex, my eyes wide. He just sighed. "Stop looking at me," he said simply.
I turned away angrily, crossing my arms over my chest.
"Ms. McCauley, is there a problem? You look rather angry," Mrs. Carpenter said, grinning at me.
I blushed. "There's no problem."
Alex snorted from beside me and before I knew what I was doing, I smacked him on the arm. Hard. The entire class turned around to look at the two of us.
Alex just smirked. "Is there a problem, McCauley?"
"You're the problem," I muttered.
"Maybe you should say it a little louder so the entire class can hear," he said simply.
"Shut up."
"Someone's angry. Need help pulling the stick out of your ass?"
"I can do it myself, thank you," I said, glaring at him.
"Alright…Ms. McCauley and Mr. Bennington, if you could please stop the bickering and look up ahead."
A few people laughed at us, and eventually everyone turned around. The girl to my right tapped me lightly on the arm.
"You're so lucky," she said, smiling. "You get to work with the hottest kid in the school."
Alex overheard and turned around, grinning at the girl.
"I didn't realize I was so good-looking."
The girl blushed and turned away.
Alex just rolled his eyes and I sighed. Sure, he was good-looking if you liked the "I'm a bad-ass drug addict" look. But I wasn't really into that.
"The piece of paper I'm handing out is the rubric for the project. The directions are written clearly on the paper. Please take this project seriously, as it will count for a tenth of this quarter's grade. I'm going to give you the rest of the period to discuss project ideas with your partner. This will be the only class time you will get to work on this project. Therefore, the rest of the project must be done outside of school. So exchange phone numbers and email addresses so you can figure out when you're working together, alright? Enjoy the project! I'm sure you will."
I sighed.
"I didn't think you'd actually be a cutter," Alex said, turning to me. "When Grace told me I didn't actually believe her."
My eyes widened. "Grace said what?"
ALEX
"Alex!"
I turned around to find that Grace McCauley was jogging towards me. She stopped when she was about two feet away, and leaned over, panting.
"She's a cutter," Grace declared. "That's why she ran away. 'Cause I walked in on her cutting and then we got in a fight so she ran away."
I sighed. "Why didn't you tell me this earlier, Grace?" I asked.
"Because I felt guilty saying anything. But now I don't give a shit, 'cause I caught a glimpse of the cuts on her wrist and they were really deep and I have no idea what to do. I mean, my parents are coming home tomorrow from their business trip, but I don't think if I tell them it'll do anything. They'll probably send her away since they won't know what else to do. And I know sending Devon away is not the right decision. She'll just get even more depressed. Alex, help me."
I sighed again. "I'll check the cuts out today in physics and see how deep they are, okay? And then we'll figure out what to do."
She smiled at me, and before I knew exactly what she was doing, she leaned forward and kissed me on the cheek lightly.
"Thank you. You're the greatest friend I've ever had." And she turned around, leaving me gaping after her.
I turned around and shook my head as I grabbed my books out of my locker. Grace McCauley confused the fuck out of me.
DEVON
"You stupid fucking bitch!" I shouted. And then I brought back my fist and punched my sister in the face. Something cracked, and she fell backwards. She stopped herself with her hands right before her head collided with the dirty, tiled floor.
I pounced on her, not caring that there was a crowd that wouldn't forget about this for months. Before I could punch her again, I felt strong arms wrap around my waist and someone picked me clear off the ground, pulling me backwards. I struggled, but he wouldn't let go.
"It's not worth it." I automatically recognized the voice as being Alex Bennington's.
"Get off me before I punch you in the face," I hissed. I watched as Sean helped my sister up and rushed her off to the nurse's office. I briefly considered running after her, and almost did, but Alex, who had let go of my waist, had a tight grip on my wrist.
"What the fuck is your problem?" I shouted.
"What's going on?" A teacher demanded, running towards us.
"Nothing," Alex said immediately. "Everything's fine."
"I think you should let go of the young lady," the teacher said, before walking away.
He let go briefly, and when she was out of sight, he immediately grabbed me again. Luckily, the crowd had mostly disappeared.
"Get. Off. Of. Me." I said, my eyes narrowing at him. He shook his head, and I suddenly found myself not scared of him anymore.
"You need to calm down."
"No!" I screamed at him. "You need to get off of me and maybe then I'll calm the fuck down!"
He sighed, and began dragging me towards the exit of the building and I struggled against him.
"Don't make me pick you up," he gritted out.
"Like you would."
He turned around, his eyes staring into mine. "Don't tempt me."
"Listen, why do you even give a fuck what goes on between my sister and I?"
He sighed, and continued dragging me until we reached his car
"Get in."
"No."
"Devon. Get in."
"Who the hell do you think you are? Just get the fuck out of my life. Suddenly, you're everywhere and I fucking hate you!" I screamed.
He sighed. "I just wanna talk to you for a little bit."
"About what?"
"The cutting," he answered honestly.
He finally let go of my wrist and I crossed my arms over my chest. "I don't cut."
"You're a terrible liar. And the cuts on your wrists don't really help your case."
"Even if I do cut, what is it to you?"
He closed his eyes for a moment, placing his hand against his forehead.
"Maybe I want to help," he said softly.
My mouth dropped open slightly. I almost laughed. "That's a joke, right?"
"Listen, Devon, I'm not bullshitting you, okay? Just give me a few minutes. Trust me, I don't like you anymore than you like me. I just…I've been where you are, and I think I can help you get past this."
I shook my head. "I don't want your help."
"Then why haven't you walked away yet?"
I bit down on my bottom lip. "I don't know," I said softly.
He opened the passenger door for me. I swallowed, suddenly feeling a little afraid of him again and he chuckled.
"I'm not gonna rape you, or anything."
"I don't know that."
"Trust me, Devon. You're probably one of the last girls I'd want to have sex with."
For some reason, that made me rather upset. Was I that ugly? I mean, sure I wasn't beautiful. But I wasn't butt ugly, either. Was I?
"Get in, Devon."
For some reason, I needed to get away from school grounds at the moment, and so I slid into the passenger seat, dropping my bag to the floor. He slammed it shut and walked around to the other side, sliding into the driver's seat.
He started the car, backed out of the student parking lot, and began heading in the direction of my house.
"So when did you start cutting?" he asked, after a few moments of silence.
"Like three weeks ago," I replied honestly. "And I have no idea why I'm telling you this."
He glanced at me, and then turned his eyes back onto the road. "That's not that bad," he said softly.
I watched as he drove by my house. "Wait, what are you doing?"
"You're coming to my house to talk about this."
"I thought you were just dropping me home."
"I said I wanted to talk to you for a little."
"And we talked."
He snorted. "For what, thirty seconds?"
He pulled into the driveway of the Jacobsen's house, and got out of the car. I just stayed in the car as he started walking towards the front door. What am I doing here?
He noticed a few moments later that I hadn't followed him and he walked back towards the car and opened the passenger seat door.
"Get out, McCauley."
"I don't want to," I said softly. "Please just take me home."
He rolled his eyes and reached for my arm. His grip on my arm this time was gentle, though, as opposed to the last time he grabbed me. "C'mon McCauley. What're you afraid of?" he asked gently.
"I don't know you. In fact, I'd go as far to say that I hate you."
"You can't hate someone you don't know."
"Well, then I strongly dislike you."
"Why?" he asked, sounding curious.
"Because."
"Because?"
"Because the first day you came here you were a total ass hole to me. You judged me based on the fact that I was wearing a mini skirt."
He rolled his eyes. "Get over it, McCauley. I'm an ass hole."
"If you're an ass hole then why do you want to help me?"
"Because I've been where you are."
"And where, exactly, am I?" I asked softly.
He sighed, and pulled me out of the car. "C'mon, Devon."
Although I wasn't sure why I hadn't walked away yet, I followed Alex into the house. He took a keychain out of his jeans' pocket and opened the front door.
"Do you want anything to drink?" he asked, turning around to look at me. I shook my head.
"I'm fine."
He nodded and I followed him as he walked towards his room.
I remembered it from the time I had walked in there when he hadn't been home.
I glanced around, noticing a few new drawings.
"You're amazing," I said softly, as he went to sit down on his messy bed. There were sketchpads thrown around the room and I almost tripped on one as I made my way towards the photo I'd seen last time. A picture of a man and a woman.
"Who are they?" I asked, glancing up at him. For a second, I could've sworn I'd seen pain his eyes, but it disappeared almost instantly.
"Old friends."
I wasn't satisfied by the answer, but it was good enough to keep my mouth shut.
I dropped down into the chair by his desk, suddenly feeling incredibly awkward.
"So why'd you start cutting?" he asked gently, looking me straight in the eye.
I sighed. "I'm really confused. And uncomfortable."
He sighed too. "Why're you confused?"
"Why the hell are you being so caring?"
"I told you," he said. "I've been where you are. And…"
"And what?"
"Nothing."
"Why'd you stop me and Grace from fighting today?"
"Contrary to what you probably think of me, I don't enjoy watching people beat the shit out of each other."
"But you enjoy beating the shit out of people, don't you?"
"Only if they deserve it."
"Brian Waterston deserved it," I said quietly.
"Why do you hate him?"
"He used to date my sister and he was abusive to her," I blurted out.
I covered my mouth immediately after saying that. I'd promised never to tell anyone, and Grace would kill me. I felt so guilty.
"I didn't say that," I quickly said.
He sighed. "I knew something was going on between those two."
"And I don't know what's going on with them now. She's been in a really bad mood, and I think he's been threatening her lately." My eyes widened slightly. "Why the hell am I telling you this?"
"'Cause you have no one else to tell."
"Oh God. And now you're going to tell Grace and-"
"I won't tell her if you don't want me to, Devon."
The way he said my name sent chills up and down my spine. I shivered a bit and he smirked.
"You okay there, McCauley?"
I stood up. "I need to get out of your house." I turned around, but he leaned over and grabbed my arm.
"Sit."
"No."
"McCauley, sit. We still have to talk about the cutting."
I dropped back into the seat. "You'll let me go after you interrogate me?"
He rolled his eyes. "Yes, McCauley."
"Okay. You can interrogate me."
"McCauley, I just want to know why you're doing it."
I didn't hesitate answering the questions from then on, because it felt so relieving to talk to someone about it. I didn't even care that it was Alex Bennington, ass hole extraordinaire.
"'Cause I'm lonely," I said softly.
"My suggestion is making different friends, because those annoying bitches you sit with at lunch are superficial and don't give a shit about you."
"They're not really my friends."
"That's my point. You need to make friends."
"Like who? Who would honestly want to be friends with me?"
"Sean does. He likes you. You should hang out with him."
"I don't think he'd want me sitting at lunch with him."
"I think you'd be surprised at his answer if you asked him."
"I can't ask him."
"Then do you want me to ask him?"
"No, because then he'd think I was pathetic for not asking him and sending someone else to do it."
Alex sighed and scratched the back of his head.
"I told your sister I was gonna watch out for you, and I I'm keeping to my word. Tomorrow, if you're sitting at your regular lunch table then I'm gonna come over there and remove you from the table, you understand?"
My eyes widened. He might've been an ass hole. But he was an ass hole that cared.
ALEX
Devon McCauley was incredibly confused. Well, that made the two of us. I honestly had no idea why I cared about her so much. Sure, I didn't want people to cut themselves, but since when did I care about some annoying girl cutting herself?
"Alex?"
Her voice brought me out of my trance. I glanced up at her, and suddenly she didn't look that pathetic anymore.
"Did Grace ask you to do this?" she asked softly.
"Sort of. But she didn't expect me to go through with it."
And then suddenly, Devon McCauley burst into tears. In my room. And I just sat there, frozen. I had no idea what to do.
Devon stood up suddenly and ran towards my door. I sighed. I wasn't sure whether I was supposed to run after her or not. I finally got the motivation to stand up and I followed her as she ran crying down the stairs. Luckily, thanks to her being an idiot, she had trouble opening the front door and I grabbed her arm just before she was about to open it successfully.
"Devon, wait."
She spun around, her eyes filled with anger. "Do you know what it's like to trust no one but yourself? I can't even trust my own sister," she hissed venomously. "She goes behind my back and tells people private things about my own life. I can't trust anyone, and you're just some ass hole who's probably only doing this so you can sleep with her again. Well, I won't fall for it again, understand? So go back to being an ass hole. I liked you better when you were true to yourself." For some reason, I liked her when she was angry. She was honest and she didn't bull shit around. She was straight to the point. And…she reminded me of myself.
She turned back around, but I grabbed her arm and pulled her away from the door.
"Get off of me!" she screamed and I reached up and covered her mouth with my hand.
"Shh…" I trailed off gently, swallowing. She finally shut up and just looked up at me, teary-eyed. "I know what it's like to trust no one, Devon."
She looked up at me. "…R-really?"
"Yep. And I also know what it's like to be so desperate that you feel like slitting your wrists." I can't believe I'm saying this.
"Were you a cutter?" she asked softly, sniffling as she glanced up at me, looking so innocent and pathetic.
I nodded. "Since I was nine. I stopped a year ago."
Her eyes widened. "Since you were nine?"
I nodded again. "Yeah."
"What made you want to cut?"
I rolled my eyes. "Easy now, McCauley. I've never told anyone that, and I'm not about to go telling you my life story now."
"Right," she said, sending me a half smile. "Leaving." And she opened the door.
"Devon?" I said, as she stepped through the door. She turned around to look at me. I quickly pulled a mini sketch pad out of my jeans pocket, and a pencil, and wrote down my cell number. "Call me if you ever need to talk, alright? Don't hesitate. I'll be here for you."
She smiled, sniffling a little. "Who knew Alex Bennington had a heart?"
I rolled me eyes. "Yeah, yeah. Get out of here, McCauley."
Authors Note: I know it's been awhile, and that this chapter is short, but I just need to get back into it, so give me a little time before I start writing long chapters again. I hope you enjoyed it!