Sometimes I wonder if one little extra movement or word would have prevented me from calling him that day. Maybe if I had not heard his car door slam in the distance, or I was inside taking another shot and did not even have the chance to think of his name.

But, for some reason, things played out the way they did on that fateful day and wound up changing my life. Whether I would take it back or not I will never decide. All I know is that it happened, however small of a chance it had been, and from that moment on I had completely gone under.

On Wednesday, December 6, 2006 3:04 PM I picked up my phone from the mulch, stuck my first cigarette in my mouth, and searched for Ross' number in my phonebook. One…two…three rings.

"Hello?", he said, apparently confused.

"Hey Ross! It's Nicole! From health!" I blurted out, already starting to feel the gin burn my stomach and cloud my thoughts.

"Oh, hey, what's up? How did you get my number?" he replied.

"You gave it to me a while ago when you got your new phone. But anyway, I am at Helena's house drinking and smoking. We were wondering if you had any alcohol, we ran out. You can have some cigs." I rambled.

"Yeah, I got a bottle of Hypnotiq. You have cigs? Sweet, I'll be over there in two seconds." Ross said as he hung up the phone without saying goodbye.

Helena had told me only minutes before that Ross lives right behind her and the only thing that separates their lots is the woods. As expected, a car door slammed once again from the same direction, and tires peeled out. Helena and I had laughed at the obvious urgency that he had to get his fix of nicotine.

However, the sound instantly made me rethink what I had just done. What was I doing with myself? I got out of school only an hour ago and already I was more than tipsy. I had an unlit ciggarette hanging out of my mouth despite the many promises I had made never to smoke in my life. I was sitting on a mixture of mulch and sand on the side of some girl's house and just called one of the biggest jackasses I knew to come and smoke with us.

"Do you need help with that?" Helena said to me, motioning towards the cigarette and bringing back into reality.

"Yeah, I can't get it to light." I said and swapped cigarettes with her. "Hey, how do you know Ross?"

"I've known him for a while, we used to hang out. He can be cool, just gets annoying a lot. Honestly, he's kind of an idiot. Once me and a bunch of people piled into his truck and drove all the way to Orlando just to buy a quarter. When we got back to P.O. he barely smoked any." she explained. "How do you know Ross?"

"He sits in front of me in health class. We've kind of talked but not much. He doesn't like to come to class I guess. He's cute, just seems like a jerk." I replied.

"You got that right..." was all she said as she took a drag.

"Man, this is the life." I said, leaning my head back against her house and enjoying the buzz I was experiencing. The past few weeks had been rough. I was still "depressed" from a breakup that happened over a month before.

Ah, David Andrews. Everyone called him Potter because he looked basically like Harry Potter, but better and a lot less pale. That and the fact he looked like a complete pot head, but I never saw him smoke once. I thought I loved him three weeks into the relationship and then got dumped because he basically didn't want any type of commitment.

I went insane for a few days, got drunk for the first time by myself on Halloween. I left him some pretty nasty voicemails then stopped trying. Life went back to normal and my new school in a new state was slowly becoming not so new and quite boring.

Helena had been a very good friend towards me during those dreaded days of post-breakup trauma. Besides our sense of humor and the various interests that we shared, alcohol was the thing that brought us together the most. We craved it like it was the air needed to breathe.

Helena and I, well, we introduced each other to the people we have ultimately become. Without her I definitely know I would not have as many fucked up memories or rather, missing ones, and good times to think back on. I guess drunken and smokey days are not considered a positive aspect of life, but on the inside that was what I had been searching for. She was the one that made it a reality to me.

Helena was a troubled and a hurt individual, though she barely showed that side of her. She was always bubbly and giggly despite her gothic attire. She had the best sense of humor no matter who she was with. I was happy to call her my best friend at the time.

Just then my phone rang again, startling the both of us. It was Ross.

"Hello?" I said into the phone.

"Where are you guys? I'm outside," Ross stated.

"We're on the side of the house, behind the fence." I answered. Once again, he hung up without saying a word.

Instead, the fence flew open to reveal none other but Ross in all his finest. He was wearing a white t-shirt and light faded jeans. His hair was cut short and he still had his phone in his hand. I felt a pang of something in my chest. I knew I had a thing for him, but nothing would ever happen. He had a girlfriend and he seemed so much more older than me even though only two years separated us. Despite this, I still felt some sort of connection between us. It was special.

"Hey guys, can I have a cig?" he said, shoving his phone into his pocket and accepting the cigarette from Helena. Ross glanced at me before lighting up, and stopped what he was doing.

"You smoke? Since when?" he asked, sort of surprised.

"Since now. This is my first." I said, taking a hit and instantly coughing. Almost a year of smoking pot and one drag of tobacco makes me choke. Smooth.

"No, no, no, don't smoke!" Ross said between laughing and showing slight concern. "It's not good for you."

I always loved this line and smiled when I heard it come from him. The smokers are always the biggest hypocrites, myself included. No one is more aware of the dangers of smoking than the actual smoker. We will always encourage the non-smoker to never smoke, tell them how bad it is, and emphasize our point by getting one out of the pack and sticking it between our lips. Who knows why we do this, but it always happens in situations like these.

"Chill out, she was the one who wanted to, she's fine." Helena cut in, adding a pat on the back as if this would end my coughing.

"Besides, I've smoked pot before. It's not like this is anything worse. I'm under the influence of alcohol, if anything that's my excuse. By the way, where's our bottle?" I added, after I finally stopped coughing. I just stared at my increasingly ashing cigarette, wondering if I should try that again.

"Your bottle? My bottle is at home. I never said I was going to give it to you." Ross said as he puffed away contently on his cigarette. He made smoking very sexy, or smoking made him very sexy, either way, it suited him well. "Besides, didn't you do your project on tobacco?"

"Yes, I did. But that's only because I had an essay on it from last year. Helena, how do I do this?" I asked, showing her the current ash dilema I had.

"Just flick it," she responded. I did and the entire cigarette flew and landed in front of Ross' sneaker. At the time, I found this amazingly funny and began to crack up with Helena. Ross picked it up and handed it back broken.

"How much have you guys had to drink? This girl over here is pretty out of it," he said while motioning to me. "I can fix that for you." He took back my cigarette and sat down in front of the both of us, basking in the attention. My mind focused on his facial features. His eyes were hard and concentrated on the cigarette. I could not help but feel a sense of longing to kiss his lips. Was it the alcohol that made me feel or did I really like him?

"Nicole?" Ross said, already done with his little project and holding it out before me.

"Oh, thanks," I said while smiling. He smiled back at me and he held his gaze longer than he should have. I took another hit which went better than last time.

We talked for a while, meaningless words accompanied the increasing amount of ashes that were flicked onto the ground. Helena and I picked up the cigarette butts and made our way past the pool, through some trees, and threw them over the fence. I turned around and he was right there, smiling down at me.

"So, how about I hand over that bottle at my house if I get something in return," Ross said, only half-joking.

"Flash him!" Helena suggested, definitely eager to continue her buzz that was slowly fading.

"No way, you flash him. I'm sorry, but i'm not gone enough to do that," I defended.

"Flash him! Flash him! Flash him!" Helena begged. I looked down at my barely-there chest and wondered why in the world anyone would want to see my boobs, or rather, lack of them. I started to consider it but then I realized I didn't even trust Ross. Who was to say he would actually come through?

"Nope. I'm not going to, sucks for you," I told him with a smile. Helena sighed and mumbled something while he just gave me a push and started to walk back towards the side of the house. We followed behind him and began to walk out into the road towards his truck.

"Let's go say hi to Zach, maybe he'll have something," Helena offered. Ross agreed and put his arms around the both of us as we made our way over to his Ford. I felt kind of weird about the whole thing, seeing I just met Zach not more than an hour before and I didn't have too good of feeling about him. He was mostly dorky; tall, overweight, greasy, and wore glasses. He dressed like Helena and didn't say much when we approched him for the Swisher Sweets. Apparently, Ross knew who he was and I wasn't about to end my time with him just yet. So I hopped into his truck.

Once we arrived, I decided to stay behind in his car while they visitied. I glanced around his truck and noticed how neat it was. His cellphone started to ring and I couldn't help but peek at the caller ID, Crystal. Reluctantly, I got out of his truck and knocked on the front door. All three of them answered.

"Your phone was ringing," I said, and handed it over to him.

"Oh, shit. I'll be right back." He said while jogging around the corner of the garage. Zach shut the door behind him and gave me a nod of recognition. We sat down on a bench in his front yard while Helena and him made small talk. I wasn't paying much attention, I was just mostly happy that I wasn't spending my afternoon at home in my apartment like I did all summer and the beginning of my sophomore year.

After a few minutes, Ross returned, grabbed a Black and Mild from Zach's hand, and lit up immediately. He plopped himself down next to me despite the lack of room available on the bench, and ultimately forced Zach to stand up.

"What did I miss?" He said and then poked me in the side. I, of course, liked his touch, but couldn't help to be hesitant on how to respond to it.

"Nothing at all, we were just talking 'bout Leanne. You remember Leanne, don't you Ross?" Zach said with a grin. "She lived over there next to the house with the blue car."

"Haha Leanne. She's that girl that came here on weekends?" Ross asked, though I knew he already knew exactly who she was.

"Yeah, how many times did you wind up fucking her? She's been with everyone, I can't believe you actually did her." Zach ever-so-graciously added.

I immediately hated myself for even considering Ross or the fact that he maybe even possibly liked me. I didn't want to hear anymore, but he talked about it like he was bragging. Everyone but me had already heard the story more than once. I guess he felt the need to tell me about it as if he was telling a story about how he got away with the biggest bank heist in history. Long story short, boy meets girl one weekend. Girl is apparent slut and takes boy's virginity. Few weeks later, girl comes back. He sneaks in her room for another fuck and gets caught by the dad. Dad runs boy out of the house. Never sees girl again.

I'm not sure if the story really went down like that or he was just exaggerating for a more interesting story, but either way I wanted to get away from him. He was obviously a dime-a-dozen and besides, I missed Potter right?

We said our goodbyes to Zach, and Ross drove us back to Helena's house. He was back on the phone with his girlfriend and all I kept thinking about how much I envied his life and the way he handled things. He just didn't give a shit while I worried about everything.

As we arrived at Helena's house the alcohol in my blood was barely there. Helena was still the loopy self she was and was laughing at everything Ross said. For amusement, he pulled around the cul-de-sax a few times causing me to bang into Helena. I had to admit it was pretty fun. Out of nowhere, he slammed on the brakes, put his arm in front of me to stop me from colliding with the radio, and Helena flew into the dashboard.

"Oh my god, Ross!" I said between my laughter. "Shit, Helena are you okay?" She got up off the floor while cracking up and giving him the finger.

"Sure you save her but you let my ass go through the windshield. Nice." Helena added while hopping out of the car. I went to follow but then looked back at him. He was staring at me but I couldn't tell at all what he was thinking. I hesitated for a second before getting out of the car and slamming the door shut. He pulled away without a word and I thought I was done with him for good. Ross was just another silly boy that wouldn't ever mean a thing to me.

How I wish that was true.