-1Guided Free-write #1

"Our Lives Hang by a Thread"

"Adriel Files a Complaint"

"Now, look, man. I'm not complainin' about the whole dying bit, let's just get that part straight. I mean, sure, I'm not all that crazy about kicking the proverbial bucket (who is?), but we've all gotta go sometime. Everything dies. Plants die. People die. Rich people die, poor people die. Cute little bunnies what with the wiggle noses die and so do the dogs that eat 'em. I mean, the guy that delivers the mail just up and died in his truck just last-"

"Excuse me, mister… who are you again?"

"Traves. Adriel Traves. I thought I explained that already."

"Yes, yes. Mister Traves, could you come to your point? I'm afraid I've many more complaints to attend to besides your own, so if we could speed this up a bit?"

"Alright, alright. Anyway, like I said, it's not the whole dying thing I'm upset about. Hell, it's not even the fact that I died early or that I was . I'm surprised I actually made it this far, I never thought I'd see a day past twenty five."

"I'm going to have to ask you to refrain from swearing, sir."

"Yeah, yeah. Anyway, what I'm askin' is, did my death have to be so… So stupid?"

"…I'm sorry?"

"Did I have to get such a stupid death? I mean, I expected to die in a hail of gunfire, or a horrible explosion, or stabbed to death in an ally. Maybe find myself at the bottom of the Danforth River with cement shoes or secretly drugged. Something that goes with the lifestyle, ya know? I wouldn't have even minded dying from something ordinary, like a car accident or something. Really, I wouldn't have minded that much.

But to die from a muffin? A freakin' muffin, man?! That's just… just… stupid!"

"It was a blueberry muffin. You were allergic to blueberries, Mister Traves.."

"Well, I didn't know that!"

"That's not at all the department's fault, sir. You should have had yourself checked"

"It's a stupid way to die. It's stupid and anticlimactic and I deserve better."

"How is it that that you, of all people, Mister Traves, deserve better?"

"I just do. I mean, 'death by muffin'? What sort of infamous criminal gets offed a pastry?"

"First of all, sir, muffins are breadstuffs. Not pastries. Second of all, I'm afraid there's nothing we can do about your situation. You die from allergies to blueberries. It's written right here, see? Perfectly legit. No mistake."

"But that's not fair!"

"Hey, life's not fair. What made you think death was any different?"