Chapter Seventeen: I don't want to know

Cadyn

Well, this feels really familiar, I think wryly to myself as I enter the cafeteria with the intent on finding Kelsey, eyes sweeping over the entire student body. Even now trying to find her, I cannot help but to expect them to suddenly turn and stare at me too, to begin whispering behind their hands about what happened yesterday.

Yesterday.

The very thought makes my heart beat faster beneath my rib cage with such force I'm surprised no one hears it, blood rushing in my ears loud enough to rival the raucous din of the cafeteria.

When I woke up this morning, I had been expecting this to suddenly be a dream or for Garen to leap out from somewhere, armed with students and cameras and telling me this was all a joke broadcasted on national live television but when I turned around, my eyes met with Garen's and later, so did my lips. It's real. It excites yet somehow scares me that at any moment we could be found out and then we'd be wrenched apart before we even really got started – but that's the consequence of carrying on a forbidden affair with your twin brother.

"Go on." Speak of the devil. I turned to see Garen skirting around to my side, smiling at me and I feel like melting all over again because he's gorgeous and he's mine.

Yesterday, I finally discovered what it was that got the female population of the school so hyped up about. Yesterday, I finally gathered up the courage to show Garen what I had been saving all these years – something I never pulled out anymore yet never forgot about because it always lingered in the back of my mind. Yesterday, Garen and I kissed - a lot. I want to take this slow, Cadyn. This is so new and I'm just afraid that if I go too fast, it'll be over, he told me that yesterday, stormy gray eyes boring into mine and seeing right into my soul, making me shiver. But he told me he didn't want Kelsey around anymore and as bad as I felt for thinking this, it was the truth. I felt like I had no other choice. I never thought that you'd feel the same; could you blame me for trying to move on? I told him. No, but if you were going to move on, why with a girl when you knew you were gay? He had smirked at me before leaning in to brush his lips against mine; hands coming up to gently cup my face and indirectly telling me that I had no intentions whatsoever of moving on – just needed an excuse to justify my growing infatuation.

I jumped as I felt Garen's hand graze mine, transferring support and comfort with only that simple little touch. I tore my eyes away from Kelsey who was laughing with a girl I'd never seen before across the room, to Garen. He was smiling at me, this impishly secretive smile where the corners of his mouth quirked up ever so slightly and his eyes shined. I liked that.

Together, we walked towards the table, hands occasionally brushing with every step. I kept staring down at them before looking at Garen as we made contact so the fine hairs on my skin buzzed with anticipation and my skin burned with longing to run my hands all over him and through his hair, for him to grab me close and hold me tight. As if reading my thoughts, he turned with a raised eyebrow, catching me in the act of staring at him. He smirked, darting out his tongue to lick his lips in the quickest and slyest of movements which made me blush.

"Cadyn!" Kelsey was suddenly on me, arms around my neck and legs wrapping around my waist as she kissed me full-frontal in front of the entire cafeteria and Garen. I didn't reciprocate, not even as she tried to force her tongue past my lips and it felt like eternity before I could finally peel her off me. "Cadyn?" she looked at me, hurt flashing in her eyes and for a moment, I felt guilty until a touch to my arm sent electricity racing through my veins, giving me the push I needed if I ever wanted to be with him.

"We need to talk." I muttered, heading outside and hearing the click-clack of Kelsey's heels as she followed me, hurried. Screw déjà vu.

Once outside, I took a deep breath as I turned to face her, not sure of how I should do this. Let her down easy, Garen had told me. I wanted to do this, I did. As ashamed as I was to admit it, I don't want Kelsey to hang around me anymore. I wanted to be with Garen. I was selfish, I had led her on in the hopes of eradicating all thoughts of Garen in terms of disgusting infatuation but now I had him, I wanted him, didn't want to let go. Wanted to spend time with him, take it slow and easy so we could be together in a way I'd never dreamed we could ever be. After all, like Garen had said, if I go too fast, it'll be over. I wanted as much time with him as possible and I couldn't do it, not with Kelsey hovering like a bad cloud.

"I can't do this, I'm sorry. It's over." I blurted before wincing at how that slipped out.

I expected her to be confused at first, eyebrows drawing together. Or maybe she'd just break down in tears which I'd really rather she didn't. There is nothing else more awkward than holding a crying girl in your arms and telling her the oldest lie in the world: 'it's not you, it's me' whilst trying to ignore each sob representative of a cracked fissure in a heart. Lord knows, I did it to myself enough times to know what it's like. The last thing I expected though was for her face to suddenly cloud in this expression of anger.

"You fucking bastard, do you know how much time I wasted on you?" her eyes narrowed to dangerous little slits and I couldn't help but take a step back at her forcefulness, "No, this is fucking...no. This is, this - wait a minute...it's him. It's him, that asshole! I bet he thinks he's won, hasn't he? Well, we'll just have to see about that." Kelsey was mumbling to herself now, turning her back to me and beginning to walk off.

"Um –" I tried to say, inching back a little with my eyebrows raised in a 'what the fuck?' expression. She turned around, as if suddenly realizing I was there.

"Huh? Oh it's nothing, sweetie." Here, she gave me the hugest shit-eating grin, stretched practically from ear to ear, "Don't worry about it, okay? I'll see you after school yeah like usual?" she asked. I just stared at her.

"Um, no, Kelsey, I can't. I'm busy and we're not going out anymore." I prodded. For a second, I thought I saw her blue eyes cloud over but then she just dissolved into giggles. Why is it that when girls do like me, they're always bat-shit crazy?

"Oh Cadyn, darling, I love you. You don't seriously I'm going to let that happen?" she cocked her head at me, her face a picture of innocence before she spun on her heel and walked off. By the time I finished processing the fact that we had, indeed, not broken up, she had already disappeared and I was cursing myself for being so stupid. I should have called for her to wait, could have run up to her and demanded answers for the questions formulating in my confused mind.

Shaking my head, I slowly made my way back to the cafeteria and when I locked gazes with Garen, I gave him the tiniest nod and he smiled at me – the kind I now realize has only ever been reserved for me and no one else. That made me feel guilty for not breaking up with her properly so I did the one thing that I said I wouldn't do again which landed me right with him.

I didn't say anything.

"You awake?" the sound of Garen's warm voice stirred me from the half-asleep state I had slipped into whilst waiting for him and blearily, I opened my eyes to see his dark silhouette leaning over me, pools of gray flickering in the little light available.

"I am now." I mumbled in response as he climbed into bed with me, his body slipping and molding to mine as he huddled close. I yelped as a cold sensation swept through my feet before I yanked them away and turned to glare at my brother who just shrugged.

"So I get cold feet."

"I know that, dummy, I just don't want you to put them on me!" I could make out a smirk forming on Garen's lips.

"Why? Don't you want to share your heat with me?" he chuckled before inching closer and pressing his cold feet on me again causing me to yelp and squirm but he wasn't having it this time and instead kept me crushed to his chest. I responded by trying to wrestle him but it was half-hearted and eventually I gave up and let him use me as a personal, human radiator. "See? Isn't that so much better?" he whispered breathily into my ear and I shivered, causing Garen to chuckle at my reaction before throwing one arm over me. I inhaled, smelling his familiar scent and...

"Are you wearing cologne?" I asked him, wrinkling my nose and effectively destroying the moment as I tried to see his face, which wasn't necessary anyway as I could already distinguish from his 'no' and burrowing of his head into my neck that he was lying. "You are!" I felt a huge smile come over my face, "you're such a loser."

"Well, this is new for me!" he whined, puffs of hot air dancing across the nape of my neck.

"It's new for me too but you don't see me putting on cologne." I sniggered into my hand.

"Shut up!"

"God, why the hell would you even need to put cologne?"

"Because!" he sputtered and I just laughed more.

"I mean, I mean come –" I was practically breathless when Garen finally just seemed to give up and sealed his lips over mine. At first I struggled, mind immediately flying to panic with the expectancy of someone to walk in, catch us and tear us apart but the expert movement of Garen's lips against mine as he lay light, feathery kisses on my mouth had me forgetting all about that as I melted against him. For a second though, my thoughts flashed back to what Kelsey had said earlier today, her...well, I guess I could consider it an almost threat of some sort - weird reaction and refusal to acknowledge the fact that I didn't want to go out with her. I found myself asking all the questions I should have already asked. Why won't she just break up with me? By 'he', did she mean Garen? What does she mean by 'we'll have to see about that'? I should have stopped her and just asked. Why the heck didn't I?

Because I realized that the truth is; I really didn't want to know.

THE END.


yes, it really is the end - no joke. and yes, it does sound way unfinished and such a rubbish ending/conclusion whatever. I agree, it sucks. But not if...there's going to be a SEQUEL! at least, i hope it doesn't anyway.

but yes, there's going to be a SEQUEL. hands up, who thought that was gonna happen? i figure that seeing as this is long, it would be good to do a sequel and besides, not everything has been resolved/addressed properly which can be done better in a follow-up to this story. PLUS, i have loads more new ideas so guys, stick with me for a while - garen, cadyn and co. will be around for a bit more. and, for those of you who are HUGE fans of derek, he WILL be in the sequel a heck of a lot more. also, it will most likely be moving a little bit faster than this first story so no dilly-dallying around there :D

but hey, i really hope you enjoyed this story anyway which is now COMPLETE! please review and tell me all your thoughts! and i hope you all await the sequel: Burning Down (warning: title is subject to change). see livejournal (link on profile) for more information about it.

AND for my next-to-final note: i have also just posted up a new story after this called 'Screw You, Murphy' so for anyone who's still interested in reading more of my writing, pop on over there :D there's a little less angst and a lot more humor (i hope!) and i'm pretty excited about it so...yeah! and sorry for the shameless advertising ._."

FINALLY, THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH. your support through reading and ESPECIALLY to those who reviewed and left such amazing ones. i love you all so much, it's insane! :D thank you, thank you, thank you. letters are not bold enough, caps aren't big enough and there are never as many 'thank you's that i'd like to give to truly express my appreciation.

xo, effay.