28I trudged through the dark street one step at a time, just trying not to fall over. My mind was foggy. My body was weak. I thought it'd all be ok. I thought my actions would would help the situation. I thought i would be able to convince all those other girls that i was a worthwhile person. Yet i find myself walking to nowhere, with the hurtful words they said playing on the edges of my mind...
Breathe... Just breathe...
"Instead of being pathetic and hiding in the school bathrooms every lunch time, why don't you just sit with your friends? Oh sorry, that's right..."
Don't let it get to you... don't let it hurt...
"You don't have any!"
I don't want to hurt anymore... I've cried so many tears...
"Why do you even bother?"
I want to run... I want to get away!
"My God, you are so pathetic"
Please...
"You're disgusting!"
Stop...
"You're such a loser"
Stop!
"Pathetic"
Shut up!
"stupid"
Shut up!
"Loser..."
"SHUT UP!"
A girl walking across the road stopped to stare at me, and i realized i had yelled out loud.
We stood there for a few seconds, staring at each other. I turned. I ran. The rain pelted, and stung on my face. My soaking school uniform flew wildly behind me. And i still ran. My legs were beginning to ache. Small sharp pains were shooting up and down, but i didn't care. The pain was more of a comfort, than anything...
When I was well away, I turned the corner, into an alley and stopped. I stood there and faced the wall.
Breathe... just breathe...
I turned and lent against the dirty brick wall and slid down to the level where I belonged.
Breathe... just breathe...
I looked around me... I could see the school past all the buildings to my right, in the distance. I never want to go back... never... I hate it...
Breathe... just breathe...
Why did things turn out this way? Sure i made my mistakes but... where did I go so terribly wrong?
I found myself breathing at a normal pace now, and my heart began to slow down. I focused on each heartbeat that pounded against my empty chest. I glanced around at the rubbish and mud askewed across the alley, trying to distract myself from the emotions plaguing me.
It was all gone. Everything i wanted. Everything I'd strived for.
There was nothing.
Suddenly i heard a small rough bark. I looked to my left, eyes scanning for what made it, and out of a cardboard box in the corner came a small puppy. It was drenched, dirty and all alone. Its long light brown fur hung messily over its skinny body.
The dog cautiously walked over, and slowly I reached out my hand – and the dog stopped for a second, but then came to me.
My hands caressed the soggy, dirty fur of the dog, and I brought the dog closer to me, bringing it into an embrace. The dog attempted to lick my face...
and I found myself smiling...
"No." I whispered...
"There's always something...There's always something..."
holding the puppy close, I crouched into a little ball and closed my eyes.
"There's always something..."
I don't know how long i stayed there in that alley. I don't know how much time passed before I finally moved. And to be honest ...it doesn't really matter, does it? However, eventually I did get up and walk out into the dark street.
Holding the puppy in my arms, I began the long trip home.
Will things get better? Maybe.
Will I be happy? I'm not sure.
Is there ever really nothing? No.
No. There is always something to live for. You just have to find it.