3Chapter Four…
When I gave Mark his copy of the ultrasound, he laughed loudly staring at the picture in disbelief. He hugged me incredibly close and spun me around the room. I remember taking the pregnancy test and being unnaturally happy at the positive result, but dreading that Mark would be angry and leave me or blame me. But here he is, also so unnaturally overjoyed. I feel almost guilty for doubting him, but his cheeriness drowns out the feeling.
"This is—just incredible, I can't even believe it's happening!" He said.
"Mark, you're happy right?" I asked timidly. He looked me right in the eye and smiled brightly. Then his face fell a little and he looked away.
"Can I tell you something? Will you promise not to get angry?" He suddenly asked, sounding like a ten year old confessing that he'd broken something precious to one of his parents.
"I'll try, what is it?" I asked. He motioned for me to sit down on his bed and I started to worry. Was he having regrets? Did he want me to get rid of it so it wouldn't complicate his life? I tried to control my heart rate and my breathing. I began to feel sick again.
"Well," He began, "The two times that we had sex…" He gazed at the ultrasound before starting up again, "Both times, you know we used protection,"
"It isn't fail proof, Mark; you know that," I interrupted, "We didn't do anything wrong." Besides having sex out of wedlock with someone almost four years younger than myself.
"No, I know, it's not that, it's just—God this is hard…" He put the picture face down on his desk, "I-I…"
"Come on, Mark," I said, "Spit it out."
"I broke the condom, on purpose," He said turning to me. I sat on the edge of his bed in shock, unable to form words or thoughts for a second. He stared intently at me as I opened and closed my mouth, trying to say something.
"Why?" That was all that came out of my effort. He shrugged and turned away again.
"I just—I know that our parents aren't thrilled with our relationship and with you going to college, I just thought…" He trailed off and looked at the ultrasound picture again, "I thought that if you got pregnant, then they couldn't make us break up; we can get married, or live together,"
"Mark!" I stood up, the nausea starting to get to me, "You have to go to school, and I do too! And just because I'm pregnant, doesn't mean that our troubles are over, you know? Because of our age difference, your parents could charge me with statutory rape! How can you think so far ahead? I can't even conceive telling our parents, let alone asking to live together or get married!" I think I swayed a little, feeling dizzy, because Mark grabbed onto my arms.
"Are you ok?" He asked leading me back to the bed and sitting me down.
"I feel a little sick," I replied, "It's possible that I should be closer to the bathroom; I did throw up earlier today."
"Just relax," Mark said. He sat down next to me, "Are you mad at me for what I did?"
"Not as pissed off as our parents will be," I said. His face fell, "Look, I'm happy that I'm having a baby and that it's your baby, but if we'd wanted to stay together, our parents probably couldn't have stopped us."
"You're kidding," Ari said sitting up. I'd invited Ari over to talk and we'd decided she would crash at my house. I threw my hands up and swallowed the bite of carrot in my mouth. I'd already altered my diet from the junk food to the all natural, and Ari sat on the edge of my bed eating a pint of ice cream. It smelled so good, but I'd forbid myself from sweets. My mother had baked cookies recently and I continued to shove them off secretly on Ari and Mark so that she wouldn't say something like, "You're not eating my cookies? Do they suck or are you sick?"
"I am not kidding," I said, "I didn't even know what to say when he told me. I'm not sure if I should be angry or happy. I just don't know what to do, except to hope that when we tell our parents, that he won't tell them."
"He should tell them," Ari said with a shrug. I cocked my head to the side and raised my eyebrows at her, "What I mean is," She started, "Is that his parents are going to blame you, so if he says that, then at least you don't have to worry about them,"
"Oh please, "I said, "They've never liked me very much. I'm surprised every time one of them deigns to talk to me, Ari." She rolls her eyes at me, "I mean it, they are going to hate me even more and my mom, she'll hate Mark for this. I'm not even going to think about my grandpa right now, he'll be so livid." Ari didn't reply, she just put her hand on my shoulder. I stood up and opened my copy of This Side of Paradise (a gift from Mark) where I had carefully tucked my ultrasound picture. "Do you think that it's worth it?" I asked holding it up.
"If you want it, and you're happy then I think that it's worth it," She replied tossing the empty pint in the garbage. I smiled and nodded. Thank God for Ari and Mark for being so accepting about this. I think that if everyone was disappointed in me, then I just couldn't take it. Part of my heart jumps when I think that Mark was willing to risk so much of his perfectly happy life to be with me. I just wish he'd told me. There were other ways, better ways. Then again….I wanted this. My indecision hurts me inside, but there's more joy than pain and I guess that's the way it's supposed to be.
"So do I," I said, "So do I."
I threw up almost every morning for a week. I threw up three times in the afternoon that week. Only once in the evening. The term 'morning sickness' was deceiving; it implies heavily that it is a malady that affects you only in the morning. And yet, here I was, heaving into the toilet on my knees as my mother held my hair back. Her worry about my ailment she didn't know was morning sickness radiated off her body. I could feel it laying on my shoulders and back, and I tried to shake it off a little.
"Sweetie, I think I should take you to see the doctor," My mother said slowly. I shook my head.
"I don't wanna see a doctor, mom, it's just the stomach flu; you didn't take me to the doctor when I was ten for the stomach flu and you don't need to take me now, ok?" I said before dry heaving into the bowl again. My mother rubbed my back, indecision gnawing at her like a bone. She stepped nervously from foot to foot.
Finally, I knew I was done and I pushed myself against the cool side of the bathtub. My mother sat down next to me.
"Are you sure?" She asked nervously, "This has been going on for awhile now." I nodded.
"Please don't worry, mom, it's just the stomach flu, I swear." I hated myself for swearing. Now, when I told her I was pregnant, she would be even angrier at me for lying about being sick. I tried to push the feeling behind how physically miserable I was, but it just made me feel worse. "Well," I said, pushing off the floor, "I've got to go finish my Creative Writing assignment, so, I'll see you at dinner." I left her sitting in the bathroom, feeling incredibly guilty.
"Mark," I whispered into my cell phone while typing my story from my hardcopy.
"Are you typing?" He asked matching my quiet tone.
"Yeah," I replied, "I have a story to finish by Thursday for Creative Writing,"
"Oh cool! What's this one about?" He asked enthusiastically. I stopped typing and smiled. This boy was every girl's dream.
"Later, Mark, listen, we have to tell our parents, like soon. My morning sickness is just awful and my mom thinks I'm dying or something. Once I start to get fat, its gonna be pretty obvious what's going on," I said quickly glancing at the door.
"But you won't get…" He trailed off, "for awhile yet, right? Isn't it too soon?"
"With pregnancy, you never know, Mark, one day a woman may be skinny, the next she may puff up like a balloon, you never know." I returned to typing.
"Okay, okay," He said sounding nervous, "Let's meet tomorrow and work it out."
"Great," I said, "Bye,"
"Bye,"
We met at a café I frequented after school because of its nearness to my school and because it had the best coffee in the area. Mark and I sat across from each other at a high table. He drank a macchiato, while I drank just plain ice water. In fact, he had begun to order my customary white mocha when I had interrupted him for the water. The truth is, I hate water. It's flavorless, but unless it's icy cold, it makes me nauseous and it always has. He looked at me like I was insane but I just looked him in the eye and said, "Do you want our baby to have three heads?" He confirmed the ice water.
"How should we tell them?" He asked me before taking a small sip of his steaming drink.
"I don't see how it matters much," I said, "No matter how we tell them, they're gonna be pissed off. But I think we should tell them all at once. If we tell my mom first, she'll call and tell your parents and if we tell your parents first, we may never see each other again."
"My parents wouldn't keep us apart if you were pregnant, they'd be unhappy, but they'd want me to do the right thing, you know?" Mark said. I smiled.
"Then why don't we get them together on Sunday, when they're at their calmest and tell them all at once?" I suggested.
"Sounds terrifying," He said. I laughed.
"You're telling me?"
"Hey," He said suddenly, "Have you thought of names yet?" I looked at him in disbelief. It wasn't that I hadn't thought of names; in fact, I had them picked out when I was in eighth grade, but the randomness of Mark never ceased to amaze me.
"Yeah," I said, "Linda for a girl and David for a boy." He cocked his head to the side, wondering how I could answer so fast. "My mom's siblings," I began, "Never lived past twenty. She had two sisters and a brother and I wanted to name my kids after Linda and David."
"That's really nice," He said, "And they're both good names,"
"What were you thinking?" I asked hoping he didn't feel obligated to use the names I had picked. Well, I hoped he did, but I still wanted to hear his opinion.
"I was thinking…Pamela or Aidan," He said, "But I want to use your names; I'm a sentimental guy deep down." Oh thank God he had good taste in names.
"We don't have to use mine," I said obligatorily.
"I want to," He said, "Besides, Pam, there's always time for two." My head began to spin. I took a sip of water.
"You really wanted to name the girl after me?" I asked. He smiled.
"I couldn't think of a better name for a girl," Mark replied shrugging his shoulders.
"You little suck up," I accused. But he just laughed. He laughed.
TBC