Hey, it's me
Somewhere in between holding his hands as we cross the street and crossing the street by myself with my i-pod on full blast, I had lost his trust. In his eyes, I had mutated into this unknown creature who looked nothing like the princess who wanted to wear a tiara and who had brought him a Daddy is #1 cup for Father's Day. He knew my name but he did not know me, either because he forgot to ask or simply didn't want to. I slept in my bed, came home at night, ate food but in his eyes I was nothing more than a hotel resident ready to check out in a year or two.
It must be hard for him, having that girl wrenched from his grasp, watching that girl trying to stay alive in that world we call life. It must been hard on him, but it was hard on me too.
There was friction and when there was no friction, there was space—a huge gap that kept getting wider as we drifted off in separate directions. I was ready to live, experience life, to grow and understand things my way. I wanted to go as soon as the light turned green but he wanted it to remain yellow. When I wanted to grab his hand and fly, he held me back. I'd be anxious and then angry because he had clipped my wings…again and I'd have to wait until they grew back.
The truth is I couldn't wait any longer. I couldn't tolerate the invisible leash he has around me. I was a dog, ready to chase after that cat. He was strong enough to hold me back but not this time. No not this time.
I'm sorry dad I yelled at you but the truth of the matter is: you yelled at me too. You said some things that you shouldn't have said and no matter how much you try, words are not like socks where you can just pick them back up. And no, no matter how much food you offer me, it's not going to make me forget everything you said, how you looked, how I felt. It must be difficult for you to put yourself in my shoes because no matter what, time has gone by and everything has changed. No, it's not right to use the "When I was your age…" lecturers anymore because this age and your age are miles apart. I should care, should care about your life, your teenage years, your insecurities then, but I don't because you already forgot what it was like to be me, to be confused and lost and then found and then lost again. You've already made your move and it was a good one, but now I have to make mine. You can tempt me all you want, coax me all you want, but I'm not going to move up right next to you because then I can never grow and you can never let go.
You don't think I see it, but trust me when I say I do. You're watching me even though you try not to. It's scary I know to see me all by myself with no hand to hold, but trust me when I say it is okay. No, just trust me. Trust me because I'm your daughter and always will be. No amount of time can change that. Trust me because you raised me and I know better. Maybe you forgot that.