I finger paint with insanity

I finger paint with insanity.
I leave childlike marks on the wall when I go (I'm sorry
I'm sorry. Its all I've
got for you to look at. It's all I've
got for you to accept.
and my gifts will always be tarnished in
Comparison to yours, I
know, I know, but you can
point it out again and again and
I'll be happy.)
I'm messy, I'm too
little to clean my self up anymore, and my
grimy hands slip on the faucet knobs as I try.

I'm the product of a
failed matrimony stuck together by fear of
naming too many years a folly.
I'm a sad, lonely little girl.
(I lost my flowers, my field. I almost dropped
the wide world you graced me.
I lost you too, yesterday, but let's
not talk about that.)

I tried to lap up the good times with my hands but
they slipped through my fingers.
I tried to eat up the sunshine with chopsticks but
I guess I wasn't good enough.

(you were going to teach me how to use them
some day, some day. You were
going to teach me how to spin life like thread into something tangible.)

you always had impeccable table manners.
you consumed life with indifference and
pushed the plate away when you were full
while I eyed your left over contentment with lust on my mind.

(you acted like you had too much fun while i
couldn't ever get enough.
you were perfect, and you didn't give a shit,
while I huddled in the rain and went through your
trash to find some scraps.)

it's hard to grow up when as a kid you're too busy destroying yourself. they never let me into womanhood because as a girl I stripped away all my self worth. there are so many ways to puncture a body, to puncture a soul, and I've done them all done them all. there are so many ways to avoid real life, and I built me a house of them all in the filth.

you always had a thing for words that had wiggle room
words that took up space but with no
promise behind them.
words like a pawn shop
ticket for nothing.
I loved my words strong, binding,
but my naivety showed each time I said
always, forever.
I fancied my words with the ten commandments.
I played like my words were backed by
The authority of god.

you were always the pleaser, always the dodger, the
soft spoken, the acquiesce. You cherished
the idea of an inch to grow into. You looked for
the buffer zone.

life pushed down and you would bow.
life pushed down and I screamed. (loud.)

I'm little and you're done gestating in childhood
and yet I'm marred. 'cause I'm used goods and
you said you'd make me pure again. with
that taunting and empty words in front of me (in
you) I plodded awkwardly behind you, destroying the
trail you left in your wake and now my destitution
is tied to you. your attempt at charity tainted you and
so you left me.

you never loved me. you wanted to fix me.

when you first found me I had ash on my cheeks and fear in my eyes and I followed because you promised. I lived in the filth because it made me, even though I was scared by things that bumped me in the dark and I didn't/couldn't go on my own. you smuggled me away and faked my entrance to normalcy and we played pretend that I belonged even though you were always too serious and I always lost.


I can dress myself and match. I can
walk through the flowers with my head held high
and I can crush the blossoms you taunted me with.

I'm following your arrows (even though you're gone) and I'm still lost. I'm
not crying anymore.

I walked down the dirty streets and saw myself lying in the trash. I took my hand and led her along.
I said:
I've tracked theses hallways enough that now I'm the guide, I give out the consolation when needed.
she smiled at me and I knew what I looked like when I looked up at you.

with your hand on the door you made me deny I ever loved you.
it's the only time I've ever lied.
I listened to your feet hurtle down the stairs.
when I heard no more steps, that's when I knew you were gone.
it's the only time I didn't cry when you hurt me.

look at my paintings I left on your face when you left me. I'm crazy and
I'm used goods but I'm the strong one now. I'll finish your life's work
to perfect me while you're gone to rid your weak self of me
to prove you were always wrong.