Drowning 7-11-07

I tried to grab the boat deck but missed. I was already over the drop off, and I couldn't touch bottom. I didn't know how to swim, only to flail about in the hope that I'd find steady ground somewhere. There was nothing but water. Cold choaking unstable water that clogged my mouth and nose and ears, and eyes. If I went down far enough, I could just touch bottom with my toes so I did. I jumped and broke surface, gasping and crying for help. But before the words could fully escape me I was under again, gagging on mouthfulls of dirty lake water. A zing of fear shot through me. No one was coming. I kept jumping and jumping and crying out. I kept falling, falling, and gagging, choaking and spluttering until I began to feel weak. My strength was ebbing, my little girl rationality waning. Even at ten I knew this was the end. No one would save me.
I pushed up hard and gasped for air, screaming insanely even as I was forced down again. Only soft bubbles of sound came from my lips, no one would hear them. I struck out but never could find purchase. I wasn't even sure in which direction I should head. There was nothingness, wetness, darkness, and the teasing gulps of air. I was ready to give up. I couldn't jump anymore. One more try, then another, and another. my hair was in my face and I couldn't breathe, couldn't think, couldn't jump anymore.