4Just something I thought and I'm not really sure where it came from. But i liked, and hope you like as well.
All I can think right now is the things I never said. Those that were supposed to make me feel better, or comfort someone I love. All I can care about is those words and the things I never lived. And I will never live. The regret consumes me. I could have done so much more. Not only for myself, but for others around me as well. Now there's no time, my whole life was a waste. Never doing what I wanted, only following others and being told. I should have seen this earlier. Then I could have changed something. Too late now.
The things I said and lived. That was not me. I never meant those words. I never wanted those things. Now I'm stuck with them 'till death. Some things can't be undone. The ones I hurt. Not only with actions. I won't be able to apologize anymore.
As I lay here, on the asphalt, waiting for the police to get here and cover my body with a sheet, I see your eyes. I can't get them out of my mind. They were so hurt and there were so much betrayed emotions. Those trembling hands, trying to not shake as much as I did, holding the gun aimed to my heart. I didn't understand at first. But now I see. So many humiliations. I should have known better then to bully people just for the fun.
Thinking I would get respect, I acted like a snobbish little bitch. They didn't fear me. They hated me. And every time I did something bad, I was only anticipating what they wanted. My own death.
Begging until the end. I looked weak. But I could see my own life being ripped away from me. And it was all my fault. Respect. I wanted so much. But I never learned how to give it. Never understood that was only possible through a relation of exchange. You give, you receive. I never respect those around me. But I was always so eager to be respected that I didn't care how I was supposed to get it.
My friends. Now I see they really meant nothing to me. We were just together for the fun of the moment. Never caring about each other. Never trusting. Trust. This one too, never gave never had. Now I wonder: what have I done with my life? Could it really be all a waste? Maybe. Surely. What was I supposed to do?
Live life with no regrets. Not my case. I regret the things I said to those who were different from me. I regret the things I did to them as well. I regret never telling the ones I love how much they mean to me. I regret not spending more time with them. I regret never having a real friend, the one that would stay by my side when I was feeling down. I regret never doing what I wanted, and regret doing what my crew liked to do even though I didn't agree. I regret not trying to stop them when I realized they were going too far with the bulling. I regret letting they hurt you so much, and regret being a part of it. I regret never being brave enough or humble enough to ask you forgiveness. Because I was the one that cried myself to sleep trying to overcome my screaming conscience that told me how wrong I was. Needless to say, my conscience always won. But I was weak.
I found some people I thought were brave. And I wanted to be like them. I did what they liked to do. They welcomed me. I became what I wanted. But I was never happy. I knew it was all wrong, but I just stuck with them and closed my eyes to the truth. They hurt you. So did I. And I'm paying for this. I'm paying for my mistake and for theirs as well.