8The Thirteen Murders of Wolfblood Houndthing High
Chapter 2, The Demonic Secrets of Vivisection 101!
Damien ran faster and faster, as if he could escape the sickeningly sweet scent of his hair conditioner by running faster than the speed of smell. But a nasal boom was not to be, and Damien had to stop to rest, fifty-two miles from his school.
"Eve-Marie…" Damien cried out while clenching his hands into fists that were so tight his fingers punctured his skin and dripped black blood all over his pants, "Eve-Marie, why was it so? WHY WAS IT SO?"
His voice echoed round and round the Icelandic forest that Damien had ended up in, and Damien keened out in pain like a tortured cat.
Oh honeybunch, you were like a thunderbolt/
You tore through my lungs like a zombie colt/
My skin gets flushed just thinking/
About your saucy winking/
And boy, does that leave me looking like a dolt.
Damien cried pure crystal tears as the stirring song that always made him think of Eve-Marie ran through his head. The sun flared in the distance and framed red shadows that played across Damien's beautiful pale nose. "Oh, Eve-Marie…"
Oh honeybunch, you were like a carnivorous tree/
You hurt me like an oversized and vicious bee/
My skin gets flushed just knowing/
You're no longer growing/
Because you're dead, and because of me.
"OH EVE-MARIE!" screamed Damien, and lightning crackled through the tense atmosphere as Damien slammed his fists into the ground.
Then he screamed again, but this time because he had broken his fingers.
Meanwhile, in a classroom far away, Selina Marina pursed her luscious red plump tasty juicy beautiful rose-colored cupid-bow delicately moist and only 5.99 a real bargain lips. This class was completely ridiculous. A baby could tell the teacher had no idea what she was talking about!
"Excuse me," interrupted Selina Marina in a silvery dulcet voice quite unlike her usual brassy trumpeting, "Ms. Poopyhead, I think you're quite wrong. If you knew anything about vivisection, you'd know that dissecting a bunny rabbit with a chainsaw is quite the wrong way to go. First off, there's the slight chance you'll miss the bunny rabbit and slice off your own leg. And second off, it's far too difficult to apply antiseptic properly to the blades of a chainsaw. It would be far more efficient to carve open the sweet little bunny with a butcher knife."
Ms. Poopyhead stared at Selina Marina for a moment, her eyes crossing from the intense brilliance of Selina Marina's silky hair. Then she said, "Why, Selina Marina, you're completely right. You should teach the class instead of me."
"Oh, Ms. Poopyhead!" trilled Selina Marina. "You're too kind! But no, I'd rather not."
"Oh, that wasn't a suggestion," said Ms. Poopyhead. "Go on, you're the new teacher. If you refuse to teach, Ill flunk you for chewing gum."
"I never!" shrieked an outraged Selina Marina. "Take THAT!" She whipped out a golden scepter that had been sneakily concealed in her bodice and brandished it at Ms. Poopyhead.
Nothing much happened.
"NOOO!" shrieked Selina Marina. "The power of the Goddess has abandoned me! I must have done something unworthy of the Holy Cause! But what? But—of course! I'm wearing underwear!"
Selina Marina hastily shed her delicate silk panties. As any fool should know, the avatars of the Goddess are not permitted to wear underwear. To wear underwear is to cover up your femininity and proclaim shame in your womanhood, and that is something that the Goddess, who is a big fan of feminist theory, just does not stand for!
Once her panties had been safely shed and entrusted into the safekeeping of Petrushka the Pervert, Selina Marina brandished her wand, with a much more satisfying effect. Ms. Poopyhead sprouted an enormous bushy beard and mustache.
"Take that, you freak!" proclaimed Selina Marina with a deep holy satisfaction.
"Oh my, " said Ms. Poopyhead. "My electrolysist won't be pleased."
At just that moment, the bunny rabbit who everyone had been planning to vivisect but who had been ignored for far too long suddenly sprouted horns and a leathery tail. His eyes burned a vivid purple and he rose from the operating table in the wake of a nuclear wind.
"Oh no!" sang out Selina Marina. "The bunny rabbit has become possessed by the foul demon of Joobernowl!"
And indeed the bunny rabbit had been possessed by the foul demon of Joobernowl. Grinning insanely, it donned a glamorous David Bowie outfit, put on a top hat, and flew out the window with a shriek reminiscent of an excited bunny rabbit.
"It must be off to that Of Montreal concert that's playing tonight at the Hollywood Bowl!" gasped Selina Marina, who had deduced this crucial information from the peculiar strain of cigar ash the bunny rabbit had left in its wake. Truly she was a sleuth to match Sherlock Holmes in his sleuthing! "I must stop it!"
She burst out of the classroom, only to run headfirst into Alistair, who was combing his hair with a knife. They both tumbled to the ground from the impact.
"Watch where you're going, you horrible thing!" shrieked Selina Marina.
"Oh," said Alistair. "sorry. I'll be more careful in the future." He got up, waggled his eyebrows in apology at Selina Marina, and strutted off.
Selina narrowed her eyes. Where had she heard that accent before? Suddenly her eyes unnarrowed. That was the accent peculiar to a species of werewolf most commonly found at the bottom of the Indian Ocean! Oh no! She got out her special fancy watch and groaned. And tonight was a full moon, too! It seemed she would have a busy schedule tonight: stopping the Joobernowl, capturing Alistair, preventing Damien from doing anything stupid, and going shopping at the mall for a new pair of shoes. How would she manage to do it all in time?!
COMING SOON: Chapter Three, Selina Marina's Busy Night Out!