8Chapter Three, Selina Marina's Busy Night Out!
By the time Selina Marina had finished excusing herself from class and casting hypnosis spells on all her teacher so that they wouldn't get her in trouble for ditching school early, two hours had passed.
Selinda Marina was not very good at hypnosis spells, you see, and it took her some time to cast all of them on all the teachers, and that's why it took two hours, and ANYWAYS back to the story.
Selina Marina rushed out onto the school lawn, carrying her paper bag of magical instruments in one hand and her to-do list in the other hand. She consulted the to-do list one more time.
Stop the Joobernowl demon.
Capture Alistair before he wreaks too much werewolfish havoc.
Prevent Damien from doing anything stupid for now (she'd have to take care of him properly later; there simply wasn't any time right now).
Stop by the Shoe Palace for a new pair of shoes (they were having a sale tonight on heels).
Selina Marina nodded in a military fashion and stowed away her list inside her breasts, where she kept a good many things. They were so large, you see, and they were also magical breasts that had zippers and if she jumped up and down, you could hear her makeup kit rattle against her spare change, both of which she kept snugly inside her oversized pillows.
But before I was able to more closely examine Selina Marina's breasts, in order to describe them to you in great detail and thus make this story exceed its Teen rating, Damien arrived!
"Damien!" shouted Selina Marina.
"Selina Marina!" shouted Damien.
"Heathcliff!" shouted Caroline.
"Oh cool, a cameo!" said Alistair to Caroline. "Hey, can I have your autograph?"
As Caroline autographed Alistair's elbow, Selina Marina stared desperately from Damien to Alistair. She was torn: here was Damien, but also Alistair! Who should she attend to first? In the end, she decided to deal with Alistair, because he was several feet closer.
She rooted around in her breasts. "Where is it… aha!" She emerged, triumphant, clutching a leash. She whirled it like a lasso, and happy theme music played as she tossed the whirling leash at Alistair. Would it work?
"Urk!" said Alistair as the leash snagged around his neck and Selina Marina pulled it tight.
"Ha!" shouted Selina Marina. "You won't be terrorizing any victims tonight, WEREWOLF!"
"I'm not really a werewolf, you know" said Alistair amiably. "I'm technically a—"
"Yes, that's all very fascinating," said Selina Marina, who was too busy running after Damien to pay attention.
"Urk!" said Alistair again as he tripped and was dragged across his leather-clad bottom by the choke-chain leash Selina Marina had secured around his neck.
Selina Marina caught up to Damien, who was buying an ice-cream cone from an ice-cream vendor. "I've got you now!" she cried out triumphantly, and she jostled with her paper bag of magical instruments. Unfortunately, what with holding a lumpy paper bag in one hand while trying to root through it with a hand holding onto a leash restraining a fairly strong teen male who was at the moment watching a clouds through a collapsible telescope he had found in his pocket, Selina Marina's grip on the bag gave up its tenacious hold… and it topped to the ground!
"NO!" shrieked Selina Marina as the bag flew through the air. "My magical instruments!" The bag landed with a resounding crash, which was followed by a dull sort of explosion as one of the spells went off. A flock of sparrows erupted from the bag and flew off past the ice-cream truck.
"Hey, magical instruments!" shouted a group of snot-nosed bratty kids who had been hiding behind the ice-cream truck. They jumped out and stared avidly at the bag, licking their lips in an obscene manner (they evidently did this quite often, as most of them had very chapped lips). "Let's steal them all and cause havoc in the city through our inability to use these dangerous magical instruments!"
"Yeah!" shouted a group of Hell's Angels bikers who had been hiding behind the snot-nosed bratty kids. "We'll join in on the fun because we're kind of bored and this sounds like fun!"
"DON'T YOU DARE!" shouted Selina Marina, but she was too late. The kids and the Hell's Angels bikers were already rummaging through her bag! What could she do to stop them?
"Alistair!" roared Selina Marina. "Attack!"
"I'm not your trained dog, you know," said Alistair as he examined the ice-cream cones the vendor had for sale.
"Just attack! I'll buy you some ice-cream afterwards!"
"Oh, free food! That works for me." With that, Alistair whipped out his flamethrower and jumped onto the littlest of the kids. "Banzai!"
"Oh, hey there, Alistair," said Damien, who had been staring at his reflection for quite some time and just now noticed what was going on. "What's up?"
"Omnomnom," said Alistair through a mouthful of a little girl's leg.
"Oh my god!" shouted Damien. "Did you just cannibalize a little girl?"
"No, of course not!" replied Alistair. "That would violate this story's Teen rating, mainly for implied pedophilia, and of course this is nothing of that sort. I'm merely eating the chicken leg this little girl had in her pocket. I think she was saving it for dinner."
"Oh, good," said Damien.
"Yes," agreed Alistair as he punched the little girl in the nose, "it wouldn't do to violate this story's Teen rating. Only moderate violence and sexuality is allowed," he added as he grabbed a little boy and, after kneeing him in the crotch, began beating his head against the ground.
"I'm just here to look pretty," said Damien.
At just that moment, Selina Marina had had enough. With a shout like an operatic turkey, she dived among the quickly diminishing pile of magical instruments and emerged with a gun. "Everyone, freeze!" she yelled. "This is a magic gun that shoots bees!"
"I'm allergic!" shrieked a biker and proceeded to have a seizure of fear.
"Seizures are not funny and are not an appropriate topic for humor!" roared Selina Marina, and she shot a bunch of bees at the rude biker, who proceeded to have severe allergic reactions and was carted off in an ambulance several moments later. But that's later. At the present moment, Damien was inspecting the rest of Selina Marina's magical instruments.
"Oh, what does this do?" said Damien as he picked up a magical nuclear bomb that worked with toothpaste instead of uranium.
"ACK!" shouted Selina Marina, and she kicked Damien in the head to stop him from accidentally setting it off. He toppled to the ground, unconscious.
"Well, that's two things off my list!" exclaimed Selina Marina. "I captured Alistair, and I stopped Damien from doing something stupid! Now I just need to find the Joobernowl. But, hm," she said, tapping her chin thoughtfully, "I can't leave Damien here to the mercy of these snot-nosed brattish kids! Especially not after I accidentally armed them with all sorts of horrible and dangerous weapons. It simply would not be ethical, and I," said Selina Marina as the ambulance arrived to cart away the bee-ridden biker, "am a very ethical person who avoids harming people if I can manage it. Ah well, there's no choice, I suppose." Selina Marina sighed, got out her cell phone, and dialed for a taxi.
Several moments later, Selina Marina, Alistair, and Damien were all safely sitting in the taxi, on the way to the Hollywood Bowl. The sun was beginning to set. Soon the Hollywood Bowl would start… And the Joobernowl would be there, waiting for them. Selina Marina shivered, polished her nose, and stared grimly ahead. She'd give that Joobernowl exactly what it deserved!
COMING SOON: Chapter Four, Selina Marina and the Joobernowl Perform a Duet!