The smoke clouded the kitchen as if it were the morning sky. The fading light hazily made its way onto the crowd around the breakfast table, not even glimpsing the boys in the center taking shots one after the other. The wafting scents of sage and tobacco came from the bedrooms of night, the only bit of life visible in little flickering lights. And the pulsing beat of hearts and bodies was in the living room, where the flashing red light bulb declared there be sunset all the time. I was in the hallway, standing between dusk and nightfall. Twilight was always my favorite time of day.
I sucked the smoke in from my cigarette, savoring it like a child would a lollipop, and nodded my head left to get the choppy bangs away from my eyes. I used a girl in my fourth period to get into the party. Not for any real reason, I just loved to watch people smile and laugh and act stupid. I wished I could be them. Instead I was devoid of careless humor, tired, and indifferent to the things happening around me. In a simple explanation, I was bored and watching teenagers slowly kill themselves was my form of enjoyment. Sadistic, but entertaining at the least.
A warm hand slid down my arm and I gave the man a wary stare. He came from the bedrooms and smelled like sage; I doubt he noticed the redness of his hazel eyes or the stench of his long, dark hair. He looked oblivious to everyone but me.
I sucked on my cigarette again and blew the fumes into his face. He didn't even blink, and instead smiled wryly. "You didn't inhale," he said in a gravely voice.
"I just like the taste," I said, leaning against the wall, "and the smell." I lifted my right foot and placed it against the opposite wall, blocking his way out.
He just smiled at me, as if I were a puzzle no one knew but he had already solved. "Why?" He stepped closer and trailed his left hand up from my clunky boot to my carefully shaven leg, stopping where my short, not-really-a-skirt ended. I felt a heat wrap around my abdomen spreading lower; his thumb pressed teasingly into my thigh.
"It reminds me of when I was little," I deadpanned. I pressed the cigarette against the wall behind me and put my leg down. He moved closer again, rubbing his hands on my arms soothingly and touching our cheeks against each other. I felt his breath touch my neck and his hips grind against mine. I didn't know him. I didn't even know his name, but I found myself being led out of the apartment where the sky was in every room. I found myself on soft upholstery being enveloped in a familiar warmth with an unfamiliar person.
I remembered being small. I remembered the bad men in the grocery store and on the streets. I would run from them in an instant. But as I stepped out of the maroon car, I thought of what she would say if she knew who she would grow up to be.
Indifference, I thought as I lit another cigarette and drove myself home, is the greatest sin. No care whatsoever for what you do and for what happens. There's nothing to stop you from anything, and everything to do.
The driveway to my house stood tall and ominous as I parked the car. Darkness greeted me when I stepped inside the basement. No flickering lights or shooting stars to say hello. It was just me and the cell phone light that shined through the path to my bed. I sat on the comforting surface and sighed as my boots were kicked to the floor, one hitting my nightstand and knocking off a few pens and a picture. I stared at the frame dully, trying to remember what was in it, before picking it up to check. It was myself, of course, and my family smiling during some holiday. The familiar faces passed through my mind like ghosts, the day not even popping up in my memory. Why did I even have it there? I set it back onto the small wooden square and stared at it a bit longer before lying down and turning away from the lost occurrence. There was me and there was her, two different times of the same person on different sides of the bed. I realized then the hardest truth-I wasn't who I used to be.
And then I went to sleep.
Author's Blab: This one was done out of boredom while listening to 'Brothers on a Hotel Bed' by Death Cab for Cutie. It wasn't really meant to portray the song, but it was certainly inspired by it. And no, it was not based off of-in any way-a real memory. I just had nothing to do this evening. Hope you enjoyed it.