Someday all this is going to end.
You can't keep any of it. The people just fade away. Doesn't matter whether you stay put or not. Everything changes anyway.
That's why you depress me Morgan. Someday it won't be like it is now. You'll move on, get married... we won't have this friendship in the same way we do now. No matter how close we are, you'll be closer to someone else. Doesn't matter if I stay single forever. I can't keep you. I can't keep anyone. They all go away.
This is why I can't watch old TV shows anymore... at least not the ones with storylines that last more than a single episode. Like Frasier. In the end everyone moves out, Frasier moves away. Everyone's gone. I can't go back and watch the re-runs. It's just like trying to relive my own past. They aren't real anymore. I can't remember them into the present. I feel that lump in my throat. That longing for some kind of release but there isn't one.
I think this is why soap operas are so popular. They never change. You can keep your group of friends forever. They'll always be there. The show never gets canceled.
Sometimes I catch myself thinking like this. It can almost ruin what I have now. I can't stand to be around any of you because it'll be that much worse when it's over. It's like when all your relatives are over for Christmas. It doesn't matter if you like them or not; when they leave there's just this emptiness... this void.
I can't help but drown in my own nostalgia. People like Teresa. The real you wouldn't have a chance against the memory of you. I remember everything we ever did together. The good and the bad. And I want all of it again. I want it so much that it stings my eyes like sand. It tears at my heart. I miss all of you so much.
I remember our table at lunch in high school. All the jokes and the cards. It's all gone forever. I can't keep any of you. You all get replaced with new people, and they never live up to the memories.
I'm sorry I never made it to any of your tennis matches, Teresa. You probably looked cute in that little skirt. You probably would have hit me for saying that. Even now I'm planning to write to you. To reach out in vain in some futile attempt to bring you back into my life. I know that chapter is over. I know it's not coming back. None of them are coming back. It's like you're all dead, but worse... you're just gone.
Alaina, I wish I'd dated you instead of Meagan. I was so close to asking you at that volleyball game. Now you're getting married. It's too late. I can't change the past. I can't hold on to any of my memories. Those people just fade away.
Each group of friends gets replaced by a new group. Summer, Kate, Reece, and Rich become Morgan, Steve, and Hannah. And soon they'll be gone too. Even if I could latch on to one of you and keep you forever, the rest would still be lost.
I want to keep them all with me forever. But no matter how tight my grip, all I can grasp is vapor. All I have are the memories. I could chase my thoughts so far that I'd be lost forever.
What is this force that drags me forward each day? How can I keep going when everything falls away behind me? I keep hunting on this mad quest for one thing, one person that I can hold on to. That I can keep with me. But even if I find you, I'll still lose everything else.
I wish I never dreamt. I wish I couldn't remember any of it. All it does is hurt. It hurts so much I feel like I can't take it. I feel it like a darkness pressed all around me. And it just squeezes until there's nothing left.
I hate it so much that I pull away. I become the loner. I try not to get close to any of you. Just so that I don't have that pain when it's over. But that doesn't work either. I can't stay away. I love you too much, and that's why I can't let you go.
It's constant. It rolls like the ocean. Loss. Pain. Regret. All that's left are memories and dreams.