6An Anecdote 13/05/08
I wrote during my English Lesson on my last day, we were just watching A Streetcar Named Desire as it was our last day and the guy I like was sitting right in front of me while I wrote this. This is a true story.
Background
I transferred school last year because my dad found a job in Coventry and then in the middle of the year, my dad was relocated back to London so we had to move. Again. During my stay at Coventry, I met this boy and fell in love with him; we had our ups and down and we were so close but when I told him I was leaving again, he changed and stopped talking to me. Tragic right? Anyway, hope you like my story. It's very short, only one and a half pages long but I decided to post it. Have a good day!
Declaimer I don't own Ryan Cabrera's "I Will Remember You"; it's entirely his song. I just love that song and I thought it fits with the story.
"I try to keep it simple 'cause I hate goodbyes
I try to keep it simple by telling myself that
I will remember you and all of the things
That we've gone through"
It is time for me to close another chapter of my life: a romantic anecdote with a very sad ending.
Sitting in front of him on my last day is depressing and at the same time, frustrating. I so badly want to say goodbye but how can I? When he does not even want to talk to me and I'm scared that my tears might all just start to fall uncontrollably and I don't want him to see me like this.
It has been a roller coaster year for the two of us. He was the boy who helped me settled in the school; the boy I didn't think I'd fall in love with as I remember clearly the first day I met him, I didn't think he was attractive and he annoyed me a lot but that secret innocent smile won me over the second I saw it. He's so sweet to me all the time, giving me hope that I will cope with this strange place and before I knew it, he has moved from being a close friend to being someone who gives me butterflies every time I see his smile.
"When I try to find you, I just close my eyes…"
I'll never forget the good times we shared: fooling around during our free times, writing on each other with highlighter pens and playing footsies under the table during lessons. I absolutely adore his great knowledge on everything and his jokes always cheer me up even though they're not at all funny.
Now here I am, sitting in front of him, hoping he will start a conversation, promise me he will not forget me and that he will miss me too. It's all I want to hear from him just to make this heartbreaking goodbye a lot easier.
I keep glancing at him and every time I catch him staring, he immediately looks away; he looks as if he has something to tell me but has obviously chosen not to. I just want him to know that I will miss him so much. He is the only boy in that place who has made my stay worthwhile but why is he not talking to me on my last day? How heartless can he be? Doesn't he know how badly I want to reach over the table and kiss him?
12 minutes into the end of the lesson, I can no longer stand this moment, all I want to do is to walk out of the class room and cry, but I don't want the whole class, especially him to see me crying as I have promised myself that I will never ever let anyone see me being vulnerable.
I just sit there, being the damsel in too much distress knowing that her knight in shinning armour is not going to do anything. Every time I meet his deep blue eyes across the table … my heart becomes more and more fragile, like it is breaking slowly and painfully and will soon explode into million pieces, which I have to pick each one to start over again. His eyes remind me of the times when we have our little secret moments together, it reminds me of the good and the bad times we had.
So many desperate unanswered questions in my head; will I ever see him again? Does he still like me? Is it too late? Does he know how I feel about him? These questions will never get answered if we don't talk.
Feeling hopeless, I sigh. I feel a foot kicked me under the table, he only stares at me and apologise. It's just an accident but somehow it takes me back to the times when we play footsies under the table. I remember every time I start paying attention to the teacher and ignoring him, he'll kick me under the table without any apology and even if I ignore him and tell him off, he'll keep doing it with a chaste smile on his gorgeous face. It makes me feel sad knowing I will never do it with him again.
"If we're not together, I will remember you"
As the bell rings, indicating the end of the lesson, I stand up and pack my things as quickly as possible racing with the hidden tears that will start to fall any minute. I walk out and straight into the toilets to cry, realising I just miss my chance to tell him exactly how I feel but it's too late now. I have the urge to run after him and say to him:
"I will miss you so much and I love you all along and I'm sorry I have to leave," but I don't… I can't… because I'm pathetic and weak.
I don't know if I'll see him again, it's bad to be in the same room with someone you love but can't touch or talk to. I really don't want to start a new chapter of my life without him as the hero, but I have to move on and see what kind of fate awaits me but there's a little part of me wishing that this chapter had a happy ending.