7Devilish Delights- Chapter 2
Leah
Whoa! Okay, wait a second to remember how to breathe and then rewind until I can try to make sense out of something that makes no sense whatsoever.
Pause.
Breathe.
Rewind.
'I am the Devil, and I'm taking you to Hell with me.'
So he really did say that, huh?
I suppose that if I went with the whole TV-prank idea then that spatula in the corner could have a hidden camera somewhere on the shiny surface, so could the stupid tinkling bell above the door and the electronic whisk…though, if anyone were to actually use the latter implement the footage would be very thoroughly screwed up.
'I don't really understand,' I said as I slipped out from under his arm. 'I mean- why me? I'm no one special! And another thing, just…why? I get that you could have some ulterior motive here that, err, could go along some very kinky lines, but surely if it was something like that then- again- why me? I mean, for the love of all things good and proper, I have a spot on my chin the size of Utah!'
I closed my eyes and took a very, very deep breath before I opened them again to see shudders racking the supposed Lucifer's body. What- was he crying?
I gasped; the bastard was laughing! He was laughing at me!
'And what the hell are you bloody chortling about? This isn't a laughing matter- for all I know, this is being filmed and sent into You've Been Framed, or something as equally humiliating! STOP LAUGHING!' But my words had the opposite effect to what was desired. If anything, he only laughed harder until he actually was crying. If I'd been in his shoes I probably would have done the same thing…but I wasn't, and I was possibly being made a fool out of enough without him giggling like a six year old on an anthill with a magnifying glass.
And guess what? I was the ant.
'Men…' I muttered to myself darkly whilst trying to send him my most evil run-now-if-you-want-to-have-children vibes. But he was still laughing so hard that he didn't even notice them…which was probably for the best considering the look on my face consisted of squinting eyes and comically compressed lips; a look one might relate to someone suffering from long-term constipation.
When I removed all traces of the offending facial expression from, well, my face, I looked up to see the remains of his giggle fit tilting the corners of his lips up. In fact, at that moment, he looked to me like The Joker from Batman and I was reminded of the evil characteristics of the villain. 'Okay, spit it out. What is the ulterior motive here? You might as well tell me now and get it over with.'
He leant towards me again and pressed his fingers together Mr. Burns-style. 'Basically, I need to find a wife for my youngest son, Danté. I was given three days to find her under any circumstances that occurred to me and under one condition.'
I waited for the dramatic tension to build until I urged him to continue. 'And that condition would be?'
'The girl in question had to be of virtue.'
My eyebrows were pulled together in a frown of ever growing confusion. 'And that would mean what? That she had to be patient and crap like that? 'Cause if that's what you're saying you obviously aren't very good at first impressions.'
He laughed and said, 'I didn't mean that kind of virtue…although, some degree of patience would come in handy when dealing with Danté.'
'What the hell does that mean?! Are you trying to pimp me off to some arrogant, stubborn, chauvinistic pig who just sits around all day and lets the woman do all the work? 'Cause I'm telling you now, Mister, if all he does to help around the house is lift up his feet while I'm vacuuming, I might just have to find a new storage place for the vacuum cleaner!'
I think the man across from me might burst into laughter again.
Oh, man. I am currently wading around knee-high in some very rapidly rising shizzle.
I had just been informed by the Lord of the Underworld that I, Leah Block, the only virginal seventeen-year-old girl in a 300 mile radius, had just been informed that I would be living in Hell for the rest of my days.
Well, that's what he thought! I wasn't just going to bend over and take it- Blocks didn't do that! He'd told me that he had a day and a half left, right? So he could bloody well go somewhere else to find a spouse for this Danté character. I was only seventeen; I couldn't be coerced into marriage- for one I'd need a parental signature. And I would bet my ass that my Mum wouldn't just hand me over to the Devil and say, 'Have a good time in the flaming pits of hell, honey!'
Does one need to get parental consent to get married when in Hell? Could you even get married- properly, I mean- when in Hell? I mean it would be a bit of a contradiction if we walked into a church in Hell and said our vows. It would be ironic just to have a church in Hell!
Besides, I didn't even know what I was going to do with the day and a half I had left. Surely that was a bad sign for the organisation of me spending an eternity in Hell! I sighed and continued the walk home in exterior silence, whilst my interior raised a load of questions about what to do next. How would I tell Mum that I had to leave to be the Princess of Darkness or whatever? Could I go to Blockbuster and rent some movies about satanic brides, pause them in the appropriate place and say, 'Mum, what would you say if that was me? Only with less black and better make-up?'
I suddenly walked into something very hard, looking up to see Mr. Bruns- I mean, the Devil. He was still in his thirty-something form and he was still smirking. 'What do you want? I thought I had a day and a half left?'
'You do, but you're wondering what to say to your mother before you leave and how you can explain the situation to her without her either bursting out laughing, or sending you to the nearest mental asylum. Which is Broadmoor, by the way. The people in there are quite nice, actually, if you give them a chance, which I obviously have to. It's like an interview with them. Only the best come to Hell, wouldn't want some complete wacko in Hell. It would disturb the equilibrium.'
I knew my jaw had dropped about half way through his little ramble and I didn't even care anymore. Even the spot on my chin stopped throbbing, as though listening intently. 'You what? I swear half the stuff will never make sense to me! No wackos in Hell, then? No Idi Amin? No Hitler? No Christopher Walken? No, of course not, it would 'disturb the equilibrium'.
'Oh no, Hitler and Amin are there, they get on surprisingly well actually. I think they've both repented, but they have been sentenced for eternity so not matter how much I want to let them off with a warning, I can't. And we're still pending Christopher. He's a tough cookie, that one.'
I shook my head in disbelief before stepping around him and continuing on my way home.
'Wait! I got side-tracked; I didn't get to say what I meant to. You can't tell you mother about any of this!'
'What the hell do you mean by that?' I stopped in my tracks. Was he trying to tell me that I was just supposed to disappear off the face of the Earth and not let Mum know?
'You can't let her think anything is out of the ordinary. When a living person transfers from Earth to Heaven or Hell a replica of them is left behind, so that history doesn't rewrite itself and the future is as it was meant to be. This replica will everything you would have, it will feel as you feel, think as you think, love as you love, et cetera et cetera. So, if you behave out of the ordinary now, your mother will get suspicious and it will create a… a kind of paradox that will in turn lead to an alternate reality.'
There was complete silence from both of us; he was looking at me expectantly while I gaped at him. He couldn't be serious. There was no frigging way that that could be true! I mean, I'm no expert on divine intervention, but if that was true then anyone could be a 'replica'. It gave me the creeps even thinking about a double version of me living in my house, talking to my mum and sleeping in my bed. Doing all the things that I would miss out on because of the fact that I had never had sex.
Fuck me. (If you were thinking of doing it, please do it now and save me!)
'Now, if you would care to remove your tonsils from display, close your mouth, pretend like we never had this conversation and go home to tell your mother that you got the job that would be a brilliant plan of action.'
Numbly, I closed my wide open mouth before I caught any flies and did as I was told. I managed to pick up my feet and plod on, homeward bound. I noticed that his presence had disappeared and I could feel rage bubbling up inside of me, like an angry, malfunctioning chocolate fountain. I started swearing at the ground, crying out, 'Why me? Why do this to me? You WANKER!'
Once I had finished my small tirade, I looked up and noticed a few kids from across the street, staring at me. Their mothers, who had obviously heard my little head cleansing session, came rushing out their front doors to cover their children's eyes, like I was some kind of Medusa incarnate. They dragged their kids inside and slammed the doors behind them in almost perfect unity.
'Great,' I muttered to myself, 'now I might as well be a leper, too.'
I turned the corner, head hanging low, my chin (spot included) practically hitting my chest. I looked up and saw the house I grew up in, complete with rusty garden gate and an overgrown front lawn.
I took a deep breath, pulling myself together ready for the act I was about to put on.
Here I go.
Soooo, it's been a while. again, the exam/coursework issue came up and it hasn't been easy finding the time to write. But snow days do help :D
It's not a very long chapter, mainly because I found it hard to get back into the swing of things and I couldn't really think where I wanted it to go. but I hope its okay, given the circumstances.
Please review, if you do like it it helps me to know where to go with it in the next chapter. Plus I'm more likely to review something of your's if you review mine.
Thanks,
Nat