I saw you at the gas station yesterday. I wouldn't have noticed if my mom hadn't pointed it out. God, I really wish she hadn't. It was then, as soon as I looked at you, that my heart started ruhing and my stomach jerked like I was on The Titan. You remember the Titan, the roller coaster with a fifty-something foot drop. Yeah, I felt like I'd just gone down that ride in the front seat.

I'm ashamed to say that I broke into tears. I tried to cover them, to wipe them away as fast as I could. It felt like graduation all over again. My heart still hasn't stopped beating fast. I hope you don't put me in cardiac arrest.

My tears wouldn't stop. My grandma asked me to pump the gas, so I had to get out and do it. I also had to move boxes into our van. My mom followed her to make sure she was OK, her legs have been getting weaker. You bought two bottled drinks. For you and the pretty blonde girl driving. I really couldn't breathe. I knew this would happen, I knew you'd find someone to love!

My mom tried to make me sit in the car, assuring me that she was your cousin. Apparently she taught the girl a few years back. My heart settled a bit. I made small talk with my grandma, trying to forget you were there. She didn't feel inclined to let me. She said you looked old. Heh, you are. Almost twenty, if not already. God, has it already been two years? Two years since you left me behind, not even able to remember my name? Two years since I last saw you? Why the fuck am I not over you!?

I bite back a scream. A car rushed toward the pump beside us, the one your walking past. Tires squeel a bit, stopping about a foot from you. How could you be so stupid!? That car almost hit you and you just glance up from your feet before continuing. Baka, I swear. I feel like running up to you and cursing. Calling you all the names invented because you never looked. You didn't even seem surprised. Does almost getting hit happen to you often?

I can't talk, can't make a sound. My eyes are glued. The senario of that car not stopping in time flashes through my head. My heart feels worse then the times you've forgotten my name, or called me hers, or even left. They pale in comparison to that almosst accident. My grandma is fanning my face when I come back from that horror. She says I'm really pale. I feel sick. Tears start again. You almost died!

Event over, you walk past us. I don't think you ever looked at me. I'm used to that, you did it a lot in high school. Not all the time, but a lot. You wait for Blondie to finish pumping the gas then hand her a drink. I see her nod at you in thanks then you just get in the car and wait. My throat is constricting.

I can see myself walking over there and saying hi. See myself kiss your cheek and saying that I liked you in high school. Going over there with a cheesy pick-up line to make you laugh. Going over and just handing you a paper with my number. Going over and lightly punching you in the arm like I used to. All these senarios run through my head as Blondie gets in and drives away. Well, there goes that chance. Now I won't see you for another two years.

So, I'm sitting in my room, my dog at my feet, and my laptop waiting, and I can't help but think back to high school. Did you ever feel lighter when talking to me? Happier? Did you laugh that day because I was funny or because I was too much of a child? Was that even you that laughed? Did you ever feel like shutting me up when I ranted? Did you like having to sit by me at lunch? Did you ever think of me outside of when we were together? Did you ever think of her? Did you see me at the gas station? What were you thinking before that car? Was it me? Did you remember me? Did you see me crying at graduation? Why did you leave without saying bye to the band? Did you hate us that much? Did you think I was annoying? Were you afraid I was going to talk to you when we were at the gas station? Did you want me to? How do I make you nervous? Do I still? Have you thought about me after you graduated?

That's when it hits me. I love you. Not the school girl crush, or the teenage love that leaves eventually. I'm. In. Love. With. You. As in forever. I'll love you till I die. And frankly...that sucks. I don't want to be in love now. I haven't even been on a date! You're too old for me! I'm only seventeen. But I know it's too late. I guess I really will die old and alone. I'm not really into getting second best anymore. I grew out of that and I have you to thank for that. But...I still haven't told her I liked you, that I love you now. She's over you though, so there's one less worry to sleep with. So now that I know I'm in love with you, how will my life go? Will we be like that movie...When Harry Met Sally I think it's called. Will we meet over and over until it clicks that we're meant to be together? Or will it be just one of those things where you marry lovingly and live happiky ever after and I live half as happy, loving my kids and loving my husband...just not as much as I love you.

God, I really don't want to love you. I'll just cry more, I'll just break more. I'm tired, dammit. My mind is always racing with thoughts of you. You deserve so much more than I couod ever offer, even if I did get the spine to tell you. Live well, love. And always live

Happily ever after.