86A/N: I'm doing the epilogue next. I warned you this was a short story. :D Then I'm moving on to something new.
The moment he awoke, Shikimi was aware of a pair of voices. Two voices, a male and a female, were speaking in hushed whispers. He could still hear what was being said, and so he kept his eyes closed.
"What exactly seems to be the problem?" The male said. He sounded familiar.
"I don't know what's wrong with him…But there is something." The female whispered back. She sounded upset. Her melodic voice was, again, familiar. Lenyunai.
"Well, what seems to be troubling him?" The man responded, sounding curious. Shikimi recognized the voice slowly. Doc…
"He seems…different. He sometimes forgets what he's doing, or where he is, he has unusually violent mood swings, and sometimes… Doc, he's fainted on me a few times now…" Lenyunai sniffled, tears in her voice. "I'm worried… Can you tell me what's wrong with him?"
"I'll have to talk to him first. I need to know symptoms before I can make a diagnosis." He mumbled. "Perhaps the lion of Zurahbi has finally cracked under the pressure…" He sounded intrigued by this. Shikimi decided he didn't like to be talked about any longer and made a small grunting noise as his eyes fluttered open. He was in Lenyunai's room. Their room, now. He had moved in with her a couple of days ago.
"Hey, Doc," He grumbled, sitting up. Doc was an older man, a little more than his father's age, with black hair, touched with gray, and wise orange eyes that seemed almost unnerving when locked with your own. The bone through his septum was sharpened and wide.
"Good day, Shikimiyanakatari," He said politely. "We were just talking about you,"
"So I heard," Shikimi responded, looking at the two. Lenyunai's eyes were wet and she was looking over at him with concern.
"Lenyunai, my dear, could you give us a little time?" Doc asked, looking over at the girl. She looked more than a little surprised, and unsure, like she would much rather be in the room with her soon to be husband. But after a hesitant moment, the girl nodded and retreated out of the room. "So tell me, Shikimiyanakatari, what is it that's ailing you?"
"I don't know, Doc." He answered honestly, sitting upright and shrugging his great shoulders.
"Have you been experiencing anything unusual these days?" Shikimi was silent. "What have you been experiencing?" He asked, cued by his hesitation. Shikimi stayed silent. "Have you been feeling fatigued?" Shikimi hesitated, yet again. "I'm sorry, son, but if you don't tell me what's wrong I can't help you…"
"I think something is wrong with my brain, Doc," He answered quickly.
"What makes you say that?"
"Well, for the last little while…I've been having these strange…attacks, I guess."
"What happens during these attacks?" He asked, brusquely.
"...I can't breathe, Doc, and my head starts pounding, like my brain is banging against my skull, and my heart starts to hurt, and my eyes water, and my muscles start cramping and stinging, and my vision gets blackened out, and then sometimes…I faint in the middle of it…" He answered honestly. He was more than a little embarrassed to be telling him this. This was not something he should be experiencing, let alone something he should be sharing with anyone; medical man or not. Doc seemed to understand his dilemma.
"I will keep this strictly confidential." He promised. "When you have these attacks, what are you doing?"
Shikimi shrugged. "It varies…"
"Tell me the instances it has happened, then."
"Well…while I was pairing with Lenyunai, out in the baths, and then while I was sitting in my hut."
"What were you doing when you were in your hut?" Doc demanded, trying to find depth in Shikimi's vague answers.
"…Just thinking,"
"About…" Doc prompted.
"…A woman," He mumbled, hoping to keep his voice low enough so that Lenyunai wouldn't hear him, lest she was listening through the curtain.
"The human?" Doc asked patiently, not a hint of judgment in his voice. Shikimi nodded in response. "I see," Doc mumbled. "And the two of you parted ways, yes?" He asked.
"Yes, I let her go back to her human village." He said evasively. Doc simply nodded.
"Well, Shikimiyanakatari, it sounds to me like you're experiencing anxiety attacks, most likely from a drastic life change."
Shikimi gave him a withering look. Doc smiled back in return. "Anxiety attacks, or panic attacks, are sudden, discrete moments of intense anxiety, creating a physical response in the body directly from the brain. When one is happening it is because your body is being flooded with high levels of hormones in acute doses that the body is not used to, especially adrenaline. They are said to be intensely painful and often very frightening. Many times when they are occurring, people push themselves into a deeper state of distress fearing that they will die. Anxiety attacks aren't actually physically harmful to you, and in no way can you suffer death from one… Mostly, it's all in your head."
"So are you saying I'm going insane, Doc?" Shikimi asked, nervous, though attempting to maintain his usual disposition.
"Not at all," Doc smiled. "Your body is just giving you physical signals, letting you know that you're too stressed." He sighed. "Often the sufferers of these attacks will forget what they're doing, or where they are afterwards."
"So, how do I get rid of them?" Shikimi demanded. He felt agitated.
"There's no sure fire cure, but when you feel one coming on, often it helps if you attempt to talk yourself down, and try and calm yourself."
"This shit can't be happening now," Shikimi grunted, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I'm getting married tomorrow…" Doc smiled kindly at him and nodded.
"Talk yourself down. It doesn't have to be aloud, but convince yourself that its all in your head, and you're going to be fine in a matter of minutes." He stood and smiled in Shikimi's direction. "And I will see you tomorrow." He waved, exiting the curtain. The second he exited, Lenyunai was back in the room, rushing over to Shikimi's side.
"I suppose you heard all of that?" Shikimi mumbled, not looking up as she gently patted his arm.
"Oh, Shikimi, it's going to be alright…" She promised, pressing a kiss to his bicep. He just sighed and nodded his head lazily. "Would you like something to drink, darling?" She whispered, gently rubbing his arm. He looked up at her face. Her perfectly charming, concerned face. The face of a wife…
"Very much, thank you…" He mumbled. Lenyunai nodded and stood, kissing his temple before she exited the room, off to get him a wooden saucer of blood. Shikimi rose as well. He padded over to a wooden trunk and lifted the top slowly, pulling the white cotton free. He had brought it into her home. Their home. He had brought it with him. While he was packing his things from his hut he couldn't bear to part with it.
He sighed, and placed it back in the trunk. He couldn't stand to hold it in this room. He felt filthy for doing so. He knew it was irrational of him, but he felt as if he was doing something he shouldn't be… Like he had brought her into this house, while Lenyunai took such good care of him…
She washed his laundry, and warmed his bed, and massaged his shoulders, and oiled his skin, and sewed clothes, and beaded jewellery, and helped him through his times of need, and loved him. The trunk seemed ominous. When she returned with a young boy carrying the saucer, for she herself could not prepare it for him, he turned away from the wooden box, taunting him in the corner.
"There you are," She smiled as he took the drink offered to him from the boy. He took a deep drink as the lad scuttled off. One of her brothers, he noticed. She had few siblings, much unlike himself. But she was much younger than he, and the eldest of the children.
"I appreciate it," He said, honestly. Her face lit up into an excited, happy grin, and he found a strange comfort in her happiness. It seemed to be such an easy thing to obtain…
"Shikimi," She mumbled, sitting next to him and gently touching his leg. "If you need time to get better…we can postpone the wedding…" She whispered. "Don't force yourself, if you're unwell…"
"The wedding will go on," He stated suddenly. His voice had a hardness to it that brought the finality of his statement to life. "I have postponed it long enough," He said, gently touching her hair. Lenyunai smiled again. She leaned in and kissed him on the mouth.
"Thank you," She whispered. "I'm so happy…" Her grin widened. "Our hut is built and ready!" He nodded and kissed her forehead. "We can move into it right after the wedding."
"Tomorrow, then." He nodded.
"How unfortunate. You only just got your things in here." She noted, looking around the room.
"I did not get settled. I was aware of our timeline."
"Shikimi," She smiled, pressing their lips together again. Their lips were still touching minimally as she whispered. "How ever shall we celebrate?" She smiled against his mouth and Shikimi snorted slightly in amusement. He placed the saucer down as he gently lowered them both onto the bedroll. "I love you," She sighed, freely. He kissed her neck. "…Do you think you'll ever love me?" She whispered, looking up at him intently.
Shikimi hesitated internally as he kissed her nose. "How could I not?" He responded simply. And for the first time in days, he could breathe properly, and enjoy his time with his bride.
The thumps of the feet banging against the woven floor of the town center were distinct. The women were bellowing, and chanting the usual wedding tune. Lenyunai had already taken her place in front of the fire. Shikimi, with his usual cold expression set in place, had never been so nervous in his life.
He was about to walk out into the center of a ring of people all chanting, dancing, and most importantly: watching. There was nothing more he despised than having attention drawn to him. And today, as he sported the biggest headdress he had ever seen, and the largest beaded jewellery he had ever dared to adorn, he was easily going to capture eyes.
His father wore an animal carcass as a headdress, but Shikimi did not have that privilege. Thank heaven… He was simply a son, and so, he got to wear this monstrosity. The cap was made for him specifically, molding to his skull perfectly, and the bones and feathers and beads dangling off of all sides reached his lower back. His Mohawk fit through a perfectly placed strip, and on the back of his head an array of feathers and bones created gigantean wings, like that of a bird in the forest. Though his house colors were red, white, and black, the headdress also had green, for Lenyunai's house colors were green, white, and red.
He did not wear the usual war paint he was accustomed to adorning at weddings, but the oils he was expected to wear as the groom. His wrap was white, and his lobes were stretched with the menacing black horns he wore for special occasions.
He was nervous. But he had yet to start panicking. Shikimi was taking deep breaths, and steady, calming words to himself were floating around in his head.
The chant increased in tempo, and he heard the dance become more urgent. That was his cue. Shikimi stepped forwards and began his descent into the crowd, maintaining his usual disposition as the people parted for him, allowing him access to the fire that raged before him. The moment his foot touched the ground where he was to stand, the warriors stopped dancing, and the women stopped chanting. All was quiet for only a moment.
Shikimi looked towards the fire with not an ounce of expression in his face as Nunga, the mystic, began her speech in her soft, magical voice.
"We all gather tonight, in the eyes Unugya to join Shikimiyanakatari Djza, and Lenyunai in matrimony,"
Shikimi lowered himself to the woven floor, as did Lenyunai. Nunga threw a handful of powder towards the flames. They exploded white.
"White is for Unugya's watchful eyes," She whispered. Another handful of sand. "Black is for the husbands strength," She hummed as the flames turned the color. Shikimi felt a small jerk in his stomach. Guilt, again. What strength did he have? He couldn't even control his own body… He remained stoic, externally.
She threw more sand. "Blue is for the blessing of many sons," She whispered. And yet another, turning the flames canary yellow. "And to bind you…" She whispered. Everyone around them, in the crowd bowed deeply. "Lenyunai," She whispered. "You are from this moment on, a woman, and the woman of Shikimiyanakatari Djza,"
The chant and the dance began again. Shikimi and Lenyunai remained kneeling until it had dispersed. It was a long wait, but he could see his bride grinning out of his peripheral vision. She looked quite stunning, dressed in the same colors as he, and doused in jewellery of his house colors.
The crowd began to mingle and Shikimi and Lenyunai joined shortly after. People from the village were giving them all sorts of tokens of good will, and Shikimi remained silent through each endeavour while Lenyunai expressed her gratitude.
The last time he was at a wedding, the human woman had yelled at his father, standing up to him with no fear in her mind at all. He remembered how his heart had pounded ferociously. She really was stupid sometimes. As the head of the council, Chieftain, and his paternal figure, he could have easily killed the woman for her impertinence. Shikimi had to, of course, punish her instead. He had much preferred the idea of him punishing her than the idea of him doing it. The old man would have ended her life, or worse…
He was a depraved old bastard, after all…
That was the first time she had kissed him. Shikimi shook the thought from his head, and attempted to pay attention to what was going on around him. His chest was starting to hurt again. "I'll be back in a moment," He whispered in Lenyunai's ear. She smiled up at him happily and nodded. Shikimi rushed off as quickly as he could without drawing attention to himself and sat on the floor behind a hut where no one resided. He couldn't breathe. The fact that this was happening now, of all times, deepened the horror of the moment. He began choking, trying to get oxygen.
His heart started pounding rapidly in his chest, and his muscles were seizing up and tightening in his arms, and legs. His back was hurting. His lungs burned the most unbearably. He sat, trying to pull oxygen into his lungs desperately, but finding himself unable to do so. He was starting to get frightened. Never before had anything ever hurt him this much. It was unbearable…
"Slow breaths," A deep voice rumbled from above his crouching form. "You need to make those slow, deep breaths if you want it to go away." Shikimi looked up, but nothing could prepare him for the vision that greeted him. "Come on, son," His father mumbled, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Slow, and deep…" Shikimi began to follow his instruction, and his lung gradually began to tug the air he needed into his body.
It was a long moment until he felt able to speak, or even marginally normal again, but it eventually came around. "Thanks…" He mumbled. Wjro'burankunipani nodded and sat down next to his oldest son. "Did you talk to Doc, or something?" He asked after a long, awkward, silent moment between the two.
"No, Doc didn't tell me," He mumbled. Shikimi looked over at him oddly.
"Then how…?" He trailed off, unsure of what to say.
"…Anxiety attack, right?" His father demanded, looking the other direction and speaking in a hushed whisper, as not to draw any unwelcome attention.
"…Yes," Shikimi mumbled. His father stayed silent. "How did you know what to do?"
"I…used to get them from time to time." He said, begrudgingly. Shikimi maintained his usual composure, though he was surprised and beyond. "Maybe it's hereditary…" He sighed.
"Why did you get them?"
"Chief at twenty-three winters tell you anything?" Wjro'burankunipani snorted. "…You?" He asked the question as if unsure if he should.
"…Miana," He said slowly, and quietly.
"The human woman?" He asked. He knew about the confrontation. Everyone did. It was pretty easy to figure out, what with her absence, Xan's murder, and Shikimi's unusual temperament.
"The very one." Shikimi sighed, letting his head fall back against the wall of the hut they hid behind. "I guess you were right about her." He hated admitting this.
"Too bad she was a whore," His father sighed, looking genuinely displeased. "She was a pretty whore." Shikimi snorted.
"I thought so."
"…Any good?"
"The best I've had." Shikimi grunted.
"Damn," Wjro'burankunipani whistled. Shikimi couldn't quite find this little encounter at all unusual. Him and his father did this from time to time. They would sit down, and they would stop despising one another for a second and connect on some level.
"Oh, yes," Shikimi snorted.
"You ready to go back?" His father asked, squeezing his shoulder and standing. Shikimi nodded.
"Now that this is over, you do understand that we are expected to fall back into our roles." Shikimi grunted. "Distant father, and obstinate son?" His parent snorted.
"Ten steps ahead of you," He waved off, turning and stalking back into the crowd.
"There you are, Shikimiyanakatari," Lenyunai cooed, smiling brightly as he reappeared. She immediately held herself to his arm and whispered in his ear. "Everything alright?"
"It's under control now," He whispered back. She kissed his cheek and nodded. Shikimi went to talk to the warriors and Lenyunai went back to her conversations with the women, and girls.
She would occasionally catch his eyes from across the town center and smile. He would nod back. He would nod back…at his wife…
He was surprised when the oxygen flowed easily into his lungs, filling his chest. His head wasn't even spinning. Maybe some things were just medicinal, with no intentions of being such.
Lenyunai gave him the biggest grin that night and shot a wink his way, and he nodded back with a firm eye.
Yes…medicinal.
"Do you feel well now?" She asked, curled into his side. They were still sleeping in her father's hut. They would move into their new home tomorrow. The events of today were far too exhausting and long to do much more.
Shikimi rubbed a slow pattern on her naked back and nodded. She kissed the vast expanse of his chest and smiled as he toyed with the ends of her hair. This is the way it should be. Lenyunai slowly closed her eyes and fell into the even, deep pattern of breathing reserved for slumber.
Shikimi watched her for a short moment before turning his head and looking over at the other side of the room.
The wooden box was still haunting him. Still teasing him. Every time he looked at it he heard her voice in his head. She heard her desperate pleading. He heard her crying. He heard her despair. He heard herI love you.
Lenyunai woke with a start.
As her new husband started breathing unbearably deeply, and raggedly. He clutched his chest and clenched his eyes shut, attempting to breathe slowly and deeply.
"Shikimi, darling?" She whispered, touching his bicep. He quickly moved away from her touch, clutching his chest. Lenyunai moved forward and struggled to place her hands on his back and rub slow, smooth patterns. She whispered soft words of encouragement and understanding. The moment he moved away, she would follow, refusing to let him deal with his problem alone.
And slowly, the feeling faded. Shikimi was starting to breathe normally again. She was still rubbing his back and kissing the back of his neck and shoulders. "It's alright now," She promised, pressing her cheek against his damp, scorching shoulder. She continued to move her hands slowly and purposefully, comforting him.
Shikimi sat with his eyes closed as she did so.
She was so gentle. So tender. So maternal. She would make an excellent mother to his offspring someday.
He wanted to just tumble into sleep as she started to hum a soft little tune for him. Just for him. Everything she did was just for him. Always.
Shikimi gently lowered them both back onto the bed and allowed her to use his chest as a pillow, while she hitched her leg over his hip. She continued to hum and trace patterns on his stomach and side.
Medicinal…
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