I looked up from the magazine lying on my keyboard. The light of the window attracted me. It was diminishing, showing a dimly lit horizon through the dual layered glass of my overturnable window. A slight breeze crept in through the recess, enough to make me grab my sweater from the backside of my chair. It wasn't the only thing that had given me shivers this evening though. Through the endless staring at the computer screen, I had been moving little but the muscles needed to make the mouse do it's job. It wasn't really warming either. Cold and lethargic had I glared my mother in her eyes when she came for the umpteenth time to tell me I had to shut down the 'god damned machine'. She had always hated computers. Along with anything else which could bring distanced people in contact with the other. Maybe that antediluvian ideology had some justice in it. After all, it was the fact that I technically I could always contact her, but never reach really her, that was so excruciating.

I went to stand at the window. Hadn't done that yet. I sighed at the next beautiful sunset that met me, red coloured greenhouse gases remarking the paradox of humanity's accomplishments as well as it's demise. I could hear the humming of the computer over that of the wind. It pulled me back. I hated it, the stupid malfunctioning piece of crap. I wanted to violently push the button to shut it down, to return my moment of tranquillity. I knew I couldn't. I looked over my shoulder. Again my understanding for my mother's crusade against technology increased. The transparent screen next to the oversized computer stared at me, one flickering part of it arousing discomfort. Behind it was the ebony door, and the old white closet. A thin long mattress near the closet had replaced my bed. I had gotten sick of the slats continuously breaking.

I returned to the window. The light of my room got stronger than that of the sun, creating reflection in the window. I managed to catch the screen again, even found the flickering part. I sighed again and closed my eyes, opening them on the very same spot, on the screen, on that part of it. I squinted. I couldn't recognize it anymore, there was more movement. Returning a deep breath, I expected to find my mother there. Strange though, I usually always heard her coming.

It was only when I turned around that my face showed some expression, first time in the last hour. It wasn't my mother. Far from it. She stood there. I opened my mouth, a frozen voice blocking me off. Her eyes looked equally frozen, Along her tall slender body she still wore her coat, it totally not fading out her features. I glanced her entirety. I killed the silence, devoid of understanding, questioning her presence in my room. I suddenly dead panned it, totally not me, totally not my conversation. It had been on my lips for seconds.

She opened her mouth, her eyes retained that cold look. She came for me, she came across for one reason which was me. Her eyes, they were the only thing effective at keeping me away from her. I looked at her, she was sweating, I saw fear and desperation. I found the computer screen again. The flickering window. I felt myself growing red. I couldn't look at her any more, but my eyes wouldn't go further down than her feet. I closed my eyes, hoping to break what seemed like a line of silk bonding us together, holding all my tears.

A gentle touch revived me. My eyes reddened, I knew. She stood closer to me. She pretended, she asked again. It came indifferent, nearly callous. Even though, she had gone too far, too far for me, as I closed my eyes and embraced her. I pressed her against my perspiring body, waiting for hands to touch me.

She held me too, yet not for long. Her hands moved to my stomach, she pushed me away, my head went forward and last to turn back. I found her face, and was immediately tied to it. I really couldn't open my mouth again, and even if I could, my voice would remain paralyzed. There was no goading voice or anything to support me. I peered over her, into the door opening, into the dimly lit shallow hallway. I wished my brother would come to tease me again. I resumed the silence as I grew calmer, still staring down her face. She looked pale, her hair fuzzy from the journey, her cotton coat curling around her waist to down her knees, her face as white as her blond hair could ever be.

The mist my mind drew around her vanished when she spoke. I moved no muscle. I didn't even get the question until I saw her face changing, and repeated it to myself. My lips were barred, blood was racing to my facial veins, soon caught up by hers. I managed a 'don't know'. She wouldn't respond to that, I knew. Like she never would to anything not remotely predictable. I exclaimed it again, the palm of my hand covering a sweaty forehead. She huffed, showing emotion, be it negative. She evolved a smirk on her face, disapproving of me. A smirk I had never thought she could show. It looked so foreign, so different, so distanced.

She was right, as she put me back. I knew, yes I did. I was confronted with it, as I was confused. She came all across to see me all by herself, she sought the conversation with me. It was very awkward, it was unusual. Every unusual thing turned me up, a fear of being turned down. I knew a lot, I knew her and myself and I knew how the night would end, I suppressed them. She couldn't, she wouldn't. It's not the time.

I felt like more, I felt my feelings could present the only honesty I could give her. Her body cried out to me. I couldn't help but embrace her again, to feel how she had made me feel. I left my body to itself, my emotions to flow, my eyes closed, my ears ignored. Her hand touched me, one hand. She felt my side, I felt my presence again, one second. I perceived nothing but her. Time was a memory, only known to those who reminisce it. I got stuck in the moment, I wanted it to last.

''I'm sorry, this is the only way''

I inhaled heavily. The light of my room blinked as hundreds of translucent shadows entered my view. My eyes went straight open, the darkness behind my eyelids shattered into into light. I thought she poked me, eternally. It didn't end, I couldn't move. A flowing movement, she released me to myself, moving backwards. A wave of her blond hair caressed my face. My feet went numb, my knees couldn't feel the floor they collapsed onto. Her face consumed my view. She said something, I listened but couldn't hear it. Her voice couldn't reach me, like a healing potion suddenly turned empty, turned venomous. Her smirk was gone. I couldn't hold my face up, fell down the floor. Her hands were red.

Googlesoft Instant Messenger, received message during service downtime


You know, we need to talk. As you read this I will be on my way to you. I hope you read it, I wouldn't like t.. whatever. We will talk in a moment. Just talk. I know, you want to.. I know what you want. I'm sorry, I.. you know me, you know what I want. You know what I can do and can't, don't you? I know you will read this, you are always.

You.. you know I cant tell you this. I know, you have always been there for me... you have always.. loved me, even though you say you don't. Two years, have you loved me. Two years, have I tried to make you change. I can't take it anymore...I can't take you anymore.. Don't start trying to talk me out of it!

I know you will. I know you can't help it. I'm the only thing that can help you, am I not? The only thing that means to you. I would like to help you.. but I just don't know how...

I.. you will hear what I have to say. Please, forgive me..

It will be best for both of us.