4For years, witches have been just another branch of international culture. Recently though, a rash of these women flying their brooms while intoxicated has wreaked havoc with international transportation and endangered metropolitan towers. Occasional cases of witches being carted off to jail due to intoxicated broom-flying have been reported, but not seen as a threat to everyday life. Almost overnight, witches taking to the skies after imbibing too much of their potions have skyrocketed. Emily Proctor, a Boston, Massachusetts resident claims to have counted over twenty enchantresses piloting their broomsticks in an erratic fashion over the city.
"Every night I worry that my children will see a pair of drunken hags colliding mid-air. It's not I sight I want them to see." Said Proctor.
International air traffic officials were forced to face this issue after a Boeing 747 Lufthansa flight from Munich, Germany to Athens, Greece nearly crashed after a witch flew into a turbine. The pilots were able to make an emergency landing in Vienna, Austria.
Skyscrapers are no longer safe as well. Cities such as New York and Shanghai, who boast an immense number of towers have had to deal with cackling women flying through windows and plowing across the floor.
"Everyone screamed when we heard that sickening splat." Recounts Jack Wurbler, a tourist who was inside the Statue of Liberty when the Wicked Witch of the West smashed into the nose of the sculpture. Police and fire departments as well as a multitude of news outlets swarmed to the gruesome sight. Pictures quickly flooded news channels and the internet of Lady Liberty with a dented nose and blood from the nostrils to her chin. Captions on the internet have renamed the it the 'Sucker-Punch Statue'. Authorities are working on a plan to repair the broken nose. Many other buildings have suffered damage from drunk witches, such as the Gateway Arch and the Louvre. Hags have even got tangled up in the cables of the Golden Gate Bridge, which San Francisco is trying to remedy after Glenda the Good Witch started casting spells while ensnared. When police got her, she had turned several cars into frogs and removed the clothing of various men. A similar issue is plaguing the airspace over India as liquored up swamis on flying carpets frequently crash into the Taj Mahal.
Every night, an estimated sixty-five witches are involved in an alcohol related collision every minute. To make things worse, police have no idea how to deal with this epidemic and they are feverishly searching for a solution. In an attempt at the eco-friendly approach, Las Vegas is trying to acquire used fishnet stockings to create a type of spider web that can be engaged in random locations.
"This is to act the way a spike strip would disable an automobile." Stated Officer Larry Cox of the Las Vegas Police Department. "The stockings won't hurt the witches, just tie them up so we can get them before they hurt someone."
Washington, D.C. has gathered a think tank to come up with a solution to protect America's capital city. President Bush and the First Lady were tragically transfigured into mules in the middle of a speech addressing the War in Iraq, Vice President Dick Cheney is still missing. The culprit, Minerva McGonagall, was seen holding a Pepsi bottle that may have been filled with vermouth. Now-President Condoleezza Rice has urged citizens to report sightings McGonagall to any law enforcement agent.
"I'll look out for that evil witch, but I'm not broken up over what happened to Bush." Stated a Columbus, Ohio police officer. "From what I've seen, everyone is praising that the Hogwarts teacher has done. This shouldn't happen again though, witches need to be sober when operating a broom, so do the swamis."