37Chapter 3: A Built-in Remedy for Khrushchev and Kennedy
James Swann and Nora Dunlap watched from the entrance of their room in dismay at the scene in C305. Inside stood Shelly Luong showing off her good old-fashioned Georgian tenacity. However, it may have been heightened by natural Vietnamese anger. Either way, Shelly would soon find out that her way was not the way to get things done in Alaska.
Caleb was a different—and much more American—story. Shelly was standing in the living room berating the poor cable guy for the outrageous price he was going to charge, plus the installation and service fee. She didn't want to bring up the deal she had in Georgia, but one little mention made up for the scam that this guy was trying to dole out. Caleb was lying on the couch tossing a rainbow colored ball up in the air. He was waiting for the cable to be connected already, but he knew it wasn't going to happen as long as Shelly remained at odds with the cable guy.
"Surprisingly, this is not the worst time I've ever had with a cable guy before," he told himself. "Jim Carrey. That was the worst two hours I ever spent with a cable guy. No offense, but that script nearly ruined his career."
"Talking to yourself?" James called from his apartment entrance.
"I wasn't aware you could hear me from there," he replied.
"I'd be surprised if the governor couldn't hear you. Actually, it looks like the only ones not hearing you are Shelly and the cable guy. She's in her own little world, and he wishes he were on any world other than this one. Classic paradoxical situation. You've got to love it."
"You have room to talk," Nora chided. "Do you remember what happened when we were in this situation? I find it hard to believe that Shelly could make it worse."
"Okay, I'll admit that what I did was bad, but Shelly seems to be making a pretty good case that'll make it even worse. Maybe—just maybe—it'll be so bad that you'll forget what I did when we were in this situation."
Caleb sat up and stopped tossing the ball. "Now I'm really interested."
Just then, Dylan could be heard crying. "Another time, maybe. Duty calls." Nora and James closed the door behind them, leaving Caleb to deal with the insatiable argument that persisted behind him between Shelly Luong and the black guy with a small mustache who worked for the cable company and wore a nametag that read "Harry".
"I'm not going to argue with you anymore. I have more rounds to make and I have more duties to attend to. If you're not going to pay the set price that everyone else pays, I'm leaving. This isn't getting me anywhere."
"You're not going anywhere until you give me a reasonable price for cable."
"This is a very reasonable price! Not only are you getting cable, but also it comes with unlimited Internet access—very fast—and you're getting a phone line that can be used even when the Internet is on. This is the best deal you're going to find in Alaska, mainly because we're the only cable provider in Juneau."
"That can't be true. Then you'd be a monopoly, and that's illegal."
"Take it up with the governor. I'm leaving." Shelly tried to keep him in the room with a powerful glare, but it appeared to have no affect on him. He zipped up his jacket and went off on his way. "That didn't go as planned," Caleb observed. "Unless, of course, that was the plan. I assume that wasn't the plan, though. That had better not be the plan because I'm missing my shows here because of your stubbornness. I'm not very happy when I miss my cartoons."
"Your what?"
"My truck driving shows," he falsely repeated.
Shelly gave him a false nod, which placated him. "Okay, so that wasn't the plan. In which case, we need a new plan. I recommend, since I'm Asian and we do this kind of thing a lot, we steal the cable."
"First of all," Caleb said, "Asians don't steal cable. They calculate equations at an alarming rate and they crash their cars on a regular basis. Secondly, how exactly do we do that?"
"We do some legwork, but with the right tools, we should have cable by tonight. Come on." Shelly took Caleb by the hand and stepped outside. She knocked quickly on Nora's door before heading out down the back staircase. The two stood in the backyard of the apartment complex. The only things in view were a pool, which was closed due to the dropping temperatures, a bike rack with four bicycles strapped in, and a pole with three cables stretched out from it to apartment building C. Nora was holding baby Dylan as she and James came downstairs to finally join them.
"This," she told the group in front of her, "is how we are going to get free cable."
There was a silence before Nora turned to James and said, "You're right. This will totally help me forget about what you did."
"Let me explain," she said. Nora titled her hand to give her to go-ahead to continue. "This is a cable box antennae. Everyone with cable in this building is being supplied cable by this box. As you can see, three people currently have cable in this building. By tonight, there will be four. All we need is some cable to connect from our apartment to this box, and we'll have free cable for the rest of our lives!"
James had a smile on his face, but Nora was just staring at her unbelievingly. "I feel the uncontrollable need to tell you something very important, but I also feel that you should probably learn this lesson on your own. I'm not going to be any part of this. I'm sure James will help so it'll help him forget his own transgression."
"You always say the sweetest things," James told her before he gave her a kiss. She went back up stairs with Dylan. James took control of the conversation. "Okay. What we need to do is drill a hole in the wall to put the cable through. We follow that cable onto the roof and stretch it out onto the antennae box. The only thing we need now is some cable. The only reason that a person would by the actual cable would be to steal it, so it would raise suspicion if we were to go out and purchase some. Our only chance is to get some from someone who already has cable since, if they had cable and they didn't actually have cable television, they would have already used that cable to steal some. Now, one of those cables attaches to my apartment. I don't have any leftover cable. I know from a previous experience that one of the other cables belongs to an elderly woman who can barely get out of bed on the first floor. She also does not have any extra cables. That leaves whoever owns the third cable. Whoever he or she is, he or she is someone within the 24 rooms in Building C."
"Which room?"
"I don't know. That cable is new to the apartment. It's likely that the resident is new as well. He or she must have been living here for less than a year. I'll consult Nora on this, and I should be able to narrow it down a bit. I'll be back. You guys get ready to do some legwork."
"Looks like undercover work to me," Caleb said joyously. "My department! Come on, Shelly." Now, it was Caleb who took his roommate by the hand and led her back upstairs and into their apartment. He led her to the walk-in closet and began to thumb through his side. "You bought some cute things at Millard's, but I took full advantage of charging it on Harvey Moon's account. Not only did I buy cute things for myself, but also I bought things for all kinds of occasions, including the all-necessary disguise. Here. You get the dress. I'll take this here."
Shelly looked over the dress that she was given from Caleb's side. All she could think about was the fact that a dress had comes from Caleb's side. "You bought a dress?"
"I bought numerous. I'm prepared for any occasion."
Shelly sighed. She put the thought aside and looked at the dress. It's nothing she would wear on a regular basis, which was mostly the point. It was a polka dot dress that came down to her knees. She slipped it on, and turned to see that Caleb was wearing a grotesque fake mustache with a brown wig and suit from the cable company. "If you're wearing that, why am I wearing a polka dot dress?"
"I don't know. I haven't donned a disguise in years."
"You used to do this regularly?"
"Middle school. I'll tell you about it one of these days."
Caleb and Shelly stepped out into the outdoor hallway to meet up with James. "Okay. Nora was a bit resistant, but-" he noticed their clothing. He paused for a few seconds to look them over, but he decided not to ask. "Anyways, Nora was resistant, but I promised to cook for a week, so she told me where the newest residents live. There are only two. Room C207, which is on the second floor on this side, and Room C101, which is on the ground floor on the other side. I suggest you two split up. I'll grab my drill and start working on the manual labor. Break!"
James went inside their apartment, leaving the two to decide who was going to which room. "I'm not going to be seen in this stupid dress. I'm going to the second floor. You can go to the other side." Caleb smiled as he ran off down the stairs. Shelly took the same stairs down to the second floor at a much calmer place. She came upon Room C207 and hesitated before knocking on the door.
After a few seconds, a young man answered the door. Shelly found him to be a cute, tall young man with deep black hair and a dark sweater and blue jeans. He seemed to be a nice person, but he also seemed to be a bit grumpy, as if her arrival woke him from a nap. He stared at her silently. She didn't realize why until remembering that she still didn't have reasoning for her dress. The only thing she could think of was what bothered her last time someone knocked on her door. "Have you heard the good news?"
"I thought you guys didn't exist in Alaska!" he groaned before beginning to close the door on Shelly. He didn't know she wasn't going to take that for an answer. She slid her foot in the way before the door fully closed. "It's really good news."
"I don't care. Please go away."
Shelly stumbled on what to say in response, but nothing was coming to her. "Fine. I'm not a Jehovah Witness. I just need to know if you have some cable you could give me."
"For the T.V.?" he asked. "Yeah. I have a whole bunch that I took with me from my old place. It's just lying in the closet. You're free to take some. Hold on. I'll get it for you."
"That was easily," she told herself. "I hope Caleb isn't having too much trouble over there."
Meanwhile, Caleb Shanowski knocked on the door of Room C101 with much enthusiasm. He repeated the action when the resident did not come to the door in less than two seconds. After the third knock, a hefty balding man in his mid forties opened the door. He was wearing nothing but a satin robe on with the initials M.F. on it. "Cable guy," he observed. "Took you long enough to get here. My Internet connection isn't working. I need you to check it out really quick."
"I'm not here for that. I'm just here to check if you have any leftover cable."
"I ain't got leftover cable, but I do have an Internet connection that's on the fritz, and you're not leaving until I can download my movies again."
The heavyset man grabbed him by the collar and dragged him inside the apartment. Caleb couldn't even struggle as the man locked the door behind him. "Now. Computer. Fix." Caleb sighed and walked over to the computer. He sat down and tried the Internet. Just like the man said, it wasn't connecting. "Well?"
"Yep. It's not working. You know, I think we might need an adapter of some kind. I've got to get back to the warehouse and grab one for you. I'll be back in two shakes of a chocolate shake. Deal?"
"No deal."
"Isn't this kidnapping?"
"I work for the governor's office. I have a lot of freedom to do a lot of things in this town."
"Good to know." Caleb pushed the chair back and slid the computer out from under the computer desk and began to look around at the cobles. He could identify which cable ran to the keyboard, which one ran to the mouse, and which one ran to the speakers. Since that was all he could identify, he knew he needed to stall for time if he was going to survive any longer.
"So, what's your name?"
"M.F.," her replied sternly. "That's what they call me. That's what you'll call me."
Caleb was swallowing his soul as he continued to connect and reconnect wires as if he was actually doing anything. "So, what do you do at the governor's office?"
M.F. deliberated his response. "Technically, I'm a staffer who works in the state's Department of Justice. That's all you really need to know."
Caleb didn't know how to reply to that, and he didn't want to risk asking another question. M.F. seemed like an "I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you," kind of guy. Caleb played around with the connection for a few more minutes before he could hear M.F. step out of the room. Caleb pulled out his cell phone and typed "HELP ME" as fast as he could. He hit the send button, but he couldn't tell whom he sent it to. There were only two numbers to pick from: Nora and Shelly. He knew which one would care enough to rescue him.
M.F. was back in the room, and Caleb pocketed the phone. "I think you're wasting my time," he said.
"If you'd prefer, I could have someone else come and take a look at it. I'm afraid it's not exactly my expertise."
"No," M.F. shot back. "I wouldn't. I'd like to unleash my anger. You're new around here. Not many people know your face. How many people would even notice if you were to disappear? One? Two, maybe? How much money would it take to quiet them? Or how much intimidation? Seems like a good end to they day, wouldn't you say so?"
Caleb mouth was dry, and he couldn't come up with a response. He was standing erect with M.F. slowly walking around him. Caleb wouldn't make a move as M.F. continued to circle him. There came a knock at the door, and Caleb let out a sigh of relief as M.F, went to answer it.
At the door was Nora Dunlap; wearing a similar uniform to the one Caleb was wearing. "I got a report that you were having trouble with your Internet connect, sir. If you check now, I believe that it should be working properly." M.F. left her at the door to check the connection. As promised, it was working perfectly.
"Looks like my afternoon is full," he commented. "Get the Hell out of my apartment." Caleb did so with a beaming smile on his face.
"I am so lucky that text got to you."
"Actually, it was sent to Shelly's phone. You're lucky that I was in the room to answer it. Anyways, I can tell you didn't get any cable. That's fine. Shelly got a whole bunch from her room. James is feeding it through the hole right now. He needs you back immediately so he can brief you on the next part."
Caleb entered his apartment. James was sitting on the floor holding the power drill with a noticeable hole next to him. The cable had already been run through it. Shelly was standing by the open window. "Finally," James said as he stood up. "I have to stay here since I'm the one that made the hole, and therefore am the only one who knows how to feed the cable through properly. You and Shelly will have to get on the roof to retrieve it."
"You need two people for that?"
"No," he replied. "I need one person for this part, and need one person for part 2. Either way, you have to get on the roof. One of you gets the cable. The other one grab the cable when it thrown to you from the roof. Yes, that means person number two will have to be on the cable box. Personally, I believe the easiest way to get to the cable box would be to climb over by way of the existing cables. It should come to no surprise that I nominate Caleb to be the catcher."
"Wait," Shelly protested. "Why?"
"I mean no disrespect Shelly, but you wear glasses. Your hand-eye coordination isn't as strong as Caleb's. Even If your throw it a bit off, he should be able to catch it, provided he's not a complete idiot. I guess we'll find out momentarily. Now. Climb up!"
Shelly shrugged and placed her hands on the windowsill. She propped her self up onto the ledge and held on to the side with her left hand. She grabbed onto the edge with her right hand and made sure she had a good grip before moving her other hand to the same location. She removed her legs as soon as her grip was firm and pulled herself up onto the roof.
Caleb got into the same position. He put his left hand in the same location on the side of the window as Shelly had done, and moved his hand onto the edge. He moved his left arm to grab the edge of the building. He proceeded to remove his legs, but found himself dangling off the edge of the building. "Pull yourself up," Shelly called.
"It's not that easy," he called back. "I was never actually able to do a pull-up in high school. I think that's why I failed gym class."
"No, you failed gym class because you refused to dress out in the locker room with everyone else." Shelly sighed and moved over to pull Caleb up. She grabbed his right arm, but Caleb's left arm slipped off just as he was almost to the top. Nothing was holding Caleb up except for Shelly, and she was doing perfectly. Shelly managed to easily pull him up the rest of the way.
"Good!" James yelled. "I'm glad we got the easy part out of the way. Shelly! You stay where you are until you see the cable. It should be coming out of a hole on the side of the building. Caleb! Start crawling over to the other side. It's not that far. Just grasp onto the cables and move slowly. The fall is only three stories. You won't die."
Caleb knew it was pointless to argue at this point. He inched himself closer to the edge of the building, careful not to let the small patches of snow on the roof to distract him and cause him to slip off. He inched over all the way to the edge and slowly knelt down to grasp the cables with his left hand. Just as slowly, he grabbed onto it with his right hand. From his viewpoint, his left hand was curl over the cable above his right hand. He moved his right hand so it was directly above the right, and then moved the right to be directly above the left. Caleb continued the pattern until he could no longer continued moving his hands forward without moving his knees forward as well.
Caleb took a deep breath in preparation and quickly moved his knees forward so his legs would wrap around the wire. His body turned 180 so that he was now facing the sky, but his legs were wrapped around the cables and his hands were firmly in place. His confidence shot up, and he began to move faster until he knocked his head against the post.
"I made it!" he announced to no one except himself. He let his hands go so he could grab onto the post, but he overestimated his speed and found himself dangling only by his legs. From his up-side-down view, he could see four people standing under him. He recognized Nora, James, and Shelly, but the fourth was hard to notice, as he was still swinging a bit. Finally, as he body subsided, he recognized the fourth person as Harry the cable guy.
"Busted," he said. "You might as well come down now."
"Would if I knew how," Caleb replied. "How'd you know what we were doing?"
"I can answer that," James said. "A year ago when I first moved in, Nora and I tried the same thing. Harry must have known that I would suggest it to you, so he didn't leave."
"So you stole your cable? I thought you said you had cable."
"James' case is unique," Harry explained. "This is actually a decoy box. A few years ago, we switched over to a box within the roof. Everyone receiving cable gets it from that box, not this one. Anyone getting cable from this box gets reception from Russia. James was up all night connecting that cable, so he refused the offer I gave him for American cable. Instead he stuck with the Russian."
"After a year, I'm actually starting to understand some of the words."
"So we did all this for nothing and you didn't tell us?"
"I don't have watchable television. I had to do something to pass the time."
"We'll take the real cable," Caleb told him. "Internet, too. I'll even pay extra if you get me down from here."
"Tell you what I'll do. I'll call the fire department and have them get you down. The roads are a bit icy, so it could take them a while. On the other hand, you could drop down. It's only three stories, but you would be landing on your head. Either way, it's enjoyable to me, so I'll give you guys a discount."
The group began to walk back to the apartment building. "Wait! Shelly! Are you just going to leave me up here?"
"Let me weigh my options. Rescue Caleb. Get a discount. Rescue Caleb. Get a discount. Rescue Caleb. Get a discount. I think there's only one obvious choice here. See you in a few hours!"
A/N: As always, I want to thank all my happy-go-lucky reviewers who have given me feedback on my plot, characters, and humor. Both and negative and positive reviews are always equally taken to heart, so I encourage everyone to write the truth in reviews. Thanks again!
Also, the chapter title comes from the song "Killer Queen" by Queen.