What The?

by Lerene

Summary: David is a cop from a small town and he's always has some type of weird person he has to deal with. Like the guy with assless pants and the weirdo that ran through the drive through butt naked. And whats the deal that he keep running into the assless pant guy?

Category: Humor

Genre: General/ Humor/ Friendship/ Family

Rating: T

Note: Originally this was a one shot then I was rewriting it I thought I found I liked the characters and that a longer story could be made from it. Thought it would be fun to write a humorous cop story. Hope you all like the new take. It will be random at times and I don't know how often I'll be updating; whenever a idea hits me. Suggestion are welcome in this story, if you have a humorous idea for our cop put them in your review. I should also let you know the chapter will more than likely all be shorts.

Story is copyrighted to Lerene. No reposting whatsoever!

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Chapter 1: DUI's and Assless Pants

Pulling people over for possible DUI is a fairly normal thing for Officer David Candy. It was the one large stupid mistake that people always seemed to make in this simple town. It gets quite annoying, but interesting with the type of people he pulled over to keep his town safe. While he's on the job he makes sure no lives are loss due to drunk driving.

But unknown to him, tonight is not going to be a normal night of pulling people over. Tonight was going to be pretty original and way out side the normal, strange DUI's.

Officer David Candy drove around the calm neighborhood in his black police courier. So far it's been a boring night. No speeders, but that properly due to the fact the people slowed down as soon as they saw the car. He always rolled his eyes when he saw people do that. No drunks, but it was still early. Only a few street lights where on do to full darkness still had half an hour away. The exciting stuff, or the usually exciting stuff, didn't happen until full darkness. People seem to go stupid during the night hours. And even more crazy on the nights of Full Moon. New Moon nights seemed to be crazy too.

So far the only exciting thing that happened was the buck that jumped on the hood of the cruiser. It scared the crap out of him more than anything else. Almost scared the 34-year-old into crapping his pants. Almost. He wasn't that old that he could loss control of his body. He was not expecting the male deer in this area, not that it was unheard of, it just the area was a bit away from the woods and the wildlife tended not to want to come near the noise of the town.

He took a right turn and spotted a car swerving a bit. The person was either drunk or talking on a cell phone. Both can cause a person to crash and sense it was a street full of houses with kids in them it wasn't very safe for anyone. So David turned the cruiser light on and got behind the car with the siren on for a few seconds in case the person didn't notice the lights. Heck there has been many of a time the person didn't hear the siren in these new cars that have been made.

The person driving the station wagon seem to notice the lights and willingly pulled over to the curb and shut off it's engine.

David parked the cruiser behind the station wagon, then he walked over to the drivers side window. The inside of the car was dark so he couldn't see much of the person in the car other than he was a white guy. "License and registration please."

The man nodded his head once, then reached over to grab the required stuff. Then he handed them over.

David read the man's license to see that the man's name was Shawn and that he was 27. "Shawn have you had anything to drink today?" David fought a smirk at the site of the photo of Shawn on his drivers license. The guy looked cross eyed and his hair was standing up on one side of his head and flat on the other side.

"One beer sir," Shawn said looking out the front window. He seemed nervous and his voice gave way that he wasn't 100 percent sure if he had one beer or more.

"One beer is enough to impact your sense," David took a step back as he eyed the younger male. From looking at the Drivers License the guy didn't seem to be the type of guy to drive a station wagon but the car was registered to him.. "Can you please step out of the car." The man flinched at the words making David wonder if he was hiding something or if this was the first time Shawn been pulled over. David put his hand on his gun just in case. It was hard to tell somethings and he rather be safe than sorry.

With a heavy breath Shawn slowly opened the door and got out. He was a pretty tall with a runners body. Leather pants covered his long strong legs and a leather vest was held open showing off his muscular chest and stomach.

David wanted to laugh at the image, but keep his face serious. The guy might look like a cool bar guy, but he was driving around in a goober car that would cause his ass to be kicked in a bar fight. It took David a second to remember that he need to administer the DUI test. "Can you recite your ABC's for me?" Trying not to laugh was hard to do but so far he was pulling it off.

Taking a deep breath Shawn began. "A... B... G...Q... R..." A frown graced his face as he paused. "R... T... V... D... H?.." He humph when he relied he couldn't remember it. Maybe someone gave him a beer and he didn't realize it because he could swore all he had was one drink. Or someone drugged him, either case he was going to kick someone's ass. He was going to kick his so called friends asses when this was over.

Not remembering his ABC's was proof number two that he was drunk. One being his bad breath. "I want you to walk ankle to heal to my car and back." David showed what he wanted, then stepped back to watch the guy walk.

Shawn cursed but began to walk - badly - as he was told.

David's eyes went wide as he got the view of Shawn's backside. The man was wearing assless pants! His ass was just hanging out. The round white globes were just there for display. No wonder the man was acting weird. David didn't even want to know why the man was wearing it let alone owned them. David had to bit his tongue to keep from laughing. This was outrageous. Never before did he pulled over a person like this and he has had some character since he joined the Police Force.

David walked over to where Shawn stopped walking. "Put both your hands behind your back." He had to bite his tongue after saying it, to keep a laugh from escaping his mouth.

Shawn groaned. "Can I change and put shorts on. I just live around the block."

"No." David grabbed a hold of one of Shawn's hands and put the handcuff on it. "Give me your other hand." Shawn gave his hand with a curse under his breath. David had to bite his lip to stop a laugh from excepting his lips. Standing behind Shawn and putting cuffs on the bare assed male was making him feel like a dominatrix or so something. Which was a weird thought because David didn't swing that way.

After David had the cuffs on Shawn he helped him into the back seat.

Shawn fell sideways as soon as he sat on the seat. The vinyl seat ripping at his skin as he moved. "Crap!" Shawn could not believe this! This could not be happening to him.

David rubbed his chin as he walked around the car toward the drivers seat. "Well he's going to become someone's bitch."

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Story is copyrighted to Lerene. No reposting whatsoever!

Author Note: The original idea for this come after two nights of watching "Wild Police Crash" or whatever that show was called. There was one episode with a guy with assless pants driving a station wagon. No kidding. It was too funny!

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