It's not all that bad. Death, I mean. Although in my last life I had killed often, there was no pain now. In my life before that, I was a model Christian. No clouds or indulgences in that afterlife. No difference whatsoever. Only existence, isolation and contemplation. Existence, isolation and contemplation. Three things that get extremely boring after a while.
Nothing to do other than think. But even if there was anything to do, what could I do it with? After all, I am but a spirit, without a physical form. At the moment.
Nothing to do but contemplate the tides of my lives, and wonder what my next will be like, and how long I am going to be in this limbo. Not that time means anything in this… well, state of existence, I suppose. It's not technically a place. More a… nothingness. A consciousness in existence, but not truly existing anywhere. I can't see, without eyes; or hear, without ears; or even feel, without skin. No smells, no tastes; nothing but thought.
It's like this every time. Every bloody time between lives, always the same. Enough time to realise how much I screwed up in my last life, then, pop, and I find out if I'm going to be a human, cat, snail or tree. I've experienced them all, and more besides. My favourite? Venus fly trap. Perfect combination of tree and creature; with enough time to think and relax, but not being completely inactive. Although I wouldn't mind being a sloth, or koala or something like that. Same deal.
But that kind of thought will never get me out of here. I have to realise how I could have done better last life, and if whichever god that reigns supreme likes what I come up with, I get a good life. If not, I become a human. Unfortunately, I've had a record filled with humanity. Every second life I seem to be human. Every second life I get ignored and silenced, shut down by the stupidity of belief. Labelled 'conscience', buried to the part of the mind that doesn't seem to exist. All thanks to belief. Religion, science, magic, it all strengthens the bonds tied around all souls unfortunate enough to be trapped in humans.
So, my last life. I was a hit man. Killing for a living. But I don't regret that. I only freed other souls from their human entrapments. I may have killed some innocent people along the way, but their souls will thank me if they ever get the chance. I was also a father. Or, more so, was about to become a father. That is my biggest regret. I don't know whether that is because I caused a soul to suffer humanity, or because I died before I could see my son born, but the conception of the child is my biggest regret, looking back. Of course, my human didn't think so. I couldn't wait for my son to be born. But, then again, I didn't know to what I was condemning somesoul. All I knew was I had to get a new job, one with less risk of ending my life. Bit late, though, because it was my last 'job's' brother who killed me. He hit the hitman.
So I decided that in my last life, I could have been a better father. I could have at least seen out the baby until it learnt to talk, communication to the outside world being the cue for the soul inside to be silenced. Once humans can talk to each other, they can't talk to their souls. They forget their souls ever existed. Such is life.
Then I felt it. Well, more perceived it. I can't really feel anything. But if I had to describe it, it was a swirling feeling (or perception), like being flushed down a toilet, tugging at the outsides of my consciousness. Hopefully I'll be eating gum leaves soon.
The swirling stopped. And their was still no feeling. Nothing. Not even numbness.
Then I felt another soul, another consciousness. Again, not so much felt, more perceived. I knew I was not alone. I knew the other entity was the real god, a soul of immense power that fits none of the ideas given in religion. He isn't forgiving, or fire and brimstone. Just the man who keeps the machine of life running smoothly. Then the other being communicated with me. It (souls do not have genders as such, we can become male or female, or even both) sent thoughts and emotions, not words and gestures, and this made his meaning even clearer. I can't describe how he actually conveyed it to me, but the general gist of what he was 'saying' is that I have an important role to play, instrumental to the breaking apart of the soul/human barrier. He communed that it would be difficult, and the path long and hard. I was shown that I will not know that I am so important until it was necessary, and that I will have no idea what to expect, or what will happen, until it does.
How useful. Telling me I will be a hero to all souls, that I will not know what to expect, and that I will not remember this at all. Why tell someone something, only to make them forget it? All thought was cut short as I felt that spinning sensation again, and was thrust into a world of senses, in the form of a screaming, human baby.
No gum leaves for me this time, then.