One Year Stand
The graves lined up in a disgustingly organized fashion. What fucking genius decided that? Way to honor the dead; make each grave indistinguishable from the next.
No matter. The grave I was going to was was in a different area.
As the funeral procession inched on, I looked down at my hands. They were raw, bruised, and calloused. Ever since I...ever since that day, much of my time was spent trying to cleanse myself. I wasted hours with the punchbag, feeling the searing sensation on the muscles that were used to pull the trigger. I washed my hands hourly, and exercised relentlessly to rid myself of...it.
Basically, I've gone fucking crazy.
The procession was creeping along at a ridiculous pace. I looked around in my car in boredom. I glanced at the empty passenger's seat. Sparky.
I laughed a little to myself. Suddenly I had an overwhelming urge to see Jess again. I missed her. There was so much to tell her, and no way for her to hear me.
I just wanted to see that cute, infuriated expression on her face when I pissed her off, the dreamy look she had as she mused about her next sugary conquest.
When I first saw her, an intense urge to protect her struck me. She looked like a cherub who had fallen from heaven; a very mischievous, sexy cherub who often forgot about her own safety in her antics. Tracking her down in that distastefully creepy manner was definitely worth it in the weeks that followed.
Somewhere along the line...it became more than just the one night stands...I tried to stop myself, but I found myself waking up in the morning, and instead of hopping out of bed to leave, I wanted to just lay there the entire day with her in my arms.
It had been exactly a month since then. August 4th.
Hooking a quick U turn, I spun the car around and sped away from the dull line of black.
I was floating. I defied the laws of gravity. Awesome. I loved these types of dreams.
A beeping came from somewhere...No no no. Five more minutes! I was so tired.
Ugh. I fell back into my body, and groaned as I raised my arm to grope around for the alarm. As I raised it though, sharp pain stabbed through several points, and I immediately paused. That's not good.
I struggled to squeeze open an eye. What did I do last night?
I began to roll over, then froze.
I distinctly felt my belly jiggle over as I shifted.
Why won't my eyes open?
Using all the strength in my body, I tried to force my eyelids open.
Beep Beep Beep Beep
Effing alarm clock is going haywire. Suddenly a door opened and I heard footsteps rushing in, clacking on the...linoleum floor? Since when was my carpet replaced with linoleum?
"Ms. Young. Please relax."
I started freaking out. "Where the hell am I? Why can't I move?"
"You've been in a coma, Ms. Young, and you've have significant muscle atrophy, more so than normal due to your...condition."
The doctor portion of me came out, and I immediately calmed down.
Condition? Muscle Atrophy? What could cause-
This isn't any normal fat is it?
I grew very still. "How long have I been out?"
Suddenly, all the memories can rushing back. The kidnapping, the realizations, the gunshot.
Forgetting all medical reasoning, anger sent me sitting up straight, eyes snapped open "KEVIN LEE YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE." All kinds of needles popped out, and I immediately regretted my action. Well, at least I could see now.
As the doctor and nurses rushed to push me back down and reattach the needles, I heard footsteps rush in.
"Jess!" I hated how my heart leapt. The man shot me. And I still loved him.
I closed my eyes. "Please don't let this man in." I commented in a monotone.
"Mr. Lee, please-"
"Don't fucking touch me or I will cut off all funds from the hospital. Leave now."
"If the doctors leave, I'm going to die. I disconnected some of the IV needles." I sighed, but still didn't open my eyes.
I believe Kevin growled; stupid neanderthal. He waited impatiently as the harried nurses re-insterted the IV.
"Please don't overexert her body. She could relapse into her coma with too much stimulation."
They left, and Kevin walked over.
I wasn't going to talk to him. Outwardly, I betrayed no emotion. But inside, I was a turmoil of happiness as his deep, yummy voice rekindled all kinds of happy thoughts.
He sighed, "Jess, please talk to me."
"Jess, I'm sorry."
"You fucking shot me."
"I had to. It was my only choice. I knew I wouldn't have killed you. It was at the exact point where he would die, and you wouldn't. I wouldn't miss."
"You got me pregnant."
"I don't think that's fair. You had to do half the work for that." I couldn't see his smile, but I felt it. It made me warmly happy.
"You could have killed the baby."
"I didn't know you were pregnant."
"Would you have shot me if you did know?"
His silence answered my question. I opened my eyes, and those achingly familiar pitch black eyes gazed straight into mine. It hurt so much, knowing I loved this man, and knowing that man would
"Please leave, Kevin. I will never forgive you. I will never trust you. Don't waste your time."
He gripped my hand. "No chance. That baby in there is half mine." I hated how his warm hand sent tingles up my arm.
"Ok, I'll pop this little guy out, and you can have him. Or her." That was a total lie. I was already completely in love with the baby inside me. I bet he knew it too.
"I don't want our child to grow up without a family." His eyes showed a hint of pleading.
The words tumbled out; I hated my prideful tongue. "I'll find someone else." It was another total lie. The only father I would ever want for my child would be the man I loved.
I saw his face blanch for a moment, and felt guilt stab my heart. But I was too tired to argue, and too mad to try to compromise. I rolled over, closed my eyes, and promptly fell asleep.
A week later, the doctor declared that I could live out of the hospital, with a nurse present. I wanted to go home. Except Kevin wouldn't let me.
"She is going to stay at my house. She isn't capable of living alone right now."
The doctor was clearly intimidated, but braved on, "She must consent to living with you for you to take her."
"Isn't there some age of minority thing here? She's clearly not mature enough to make up her own mind." He gestured at me. I, with a spoonful of ice cream halfway to my mouth, merely looked at the finger pointing at my face.
"Doesn't that mean you're a pedophile?" I asked innocently.
He grimaced. "Jess, you can't go home like that. You can barely walk, you definitely can't see any of your patients, and you're pregnant. You need someone to take care of you."
"Well maybe the person who shot me isn't the best person to take care of me." I shot back.
I saw remorse on his face, and I instantly felt horrible again.
Kevin sighed, and sat down on my bed. He gestured for the doctor to leave. "Jess, stop being irrational. I had no choice but to do it. I knew you'd be ok-"
"-except the baby could've been killed." I interjected.
"The baby was an unforseeable circumstance. The point is, you're fine now. Please come home with me."
"No. I'm not going to stay with you." A thought occurred to me. "Why haven't any of my family or friends come to visit? I'm going to stay with my mother."
He was silent, and wouldn't meet my eye.
"Kevin..." I was ready to kill him.
"They don't exactly know where you are." He glanced at me quickly, and continued, "They would've gotten in the way. They didn't know what was going on, and so I told them all that you and I were going on vacation for a while."
"My parents believed that I would go on vacation for two months without contacting them at all?"
"I...advised them not to question me too much."
I threw the ice cream at him. I threw the spoon at him. I grabbed the pillow and threw it at him. The nurses rushed in, alarmed, but Kevin waved them away. He slowly tried to move closer while anger surged out of me in the form of words tailored to hurt Kevin the most.
"You're just another fucking kidnapper. Get the hell out! Someone get me a phone and let me call my parents. I hate you, Kevin. All of this is your fault. If I had never met you, I would never have been in any danger. I would be happily in my office right now. Probably with some ordinary, sweet guy who would never even think about shooting me. I wouldn't be used for almost a year, and then conveniently serve as bait for some mafia crap. I would be loved. I...Hate...You..." I punctuated the last two words with flying shoes.
Kevin grabbed me and held me against him. I bit his arm. Hard.
"Jess, calm down. Please." Pain laced his voice as my teeth clenched at his forearm.
A needle pricked me, and soon I lost consciousness.
I woke up, dazed. Familiar ceiling. My room. Comfortable. Safe.
I looked to the side, and saw Sherry, asleep on a chair beside me.
I sat up and covered her with the blanket from my bed.
Her eyes open blearily, and slowly focused on me.
"Jess! You're awake!" She jumped up and crushed me in a bear hug. "Oh my gosh, I'm sorry. You're still weak. I missed you so much! Well. I bet you didn't, because you weren't awake for most of it."
I looked at her. I immediately noticed the bulge in her stomach."You're fat too!"
She smiled tearfully. "Six months in. Two months before you. I was going to announce it at the July 4th picnic, right after grandpa started admonishing me for not having children."
I looked down at my slightly rotund tummy. "So I'm four months?" I sighed. "I don't even know if it's a he or a she. I don't know anything."
"You know the father." Sherry smiled.
I narrowed my eyes. "Unfortunately."
Sherry shrugged. "Everyone's furious at him right now, because he hid you away from us and got you in danger. But I was spying on him yesterday as he carried you upstairs. When he laid you down, he sat for a while and looked at you. I saw the look on his face when he didn't think anyone else was there to see him. He looked so...defeated, and so in love."
My heart pinged. I laughed bitterly, "Love. Because you shoot the people you love right? You put their lives in danger so that you can get rid of a few enemies."
Sherry gave me a sympathetic look, "I can't say I know anything about how you feel, or what you've gone through. And heaven knows what's going on in that head of his."
She picked up something from the bedside table, "But what I do know is that last night, when he was writing this letter, that man was in a hell of a lot of pain. When he finished, he held you for a while, just sitting there, before he finally left."
She handed me an envelope. "You should read this." She smiled, gave me a final hug, and left.
I stared at the letter for a minute. Every fiber in my body itched to tear the envelope open and read it. But I was afraid to read it. Kevin was intensely intelligent. Every word in the letter was probably calculated to manipulating my emotions so that I would forgive him. I couldn't trust him.
Then again, now that I knew that I couldn't trust him, I could read the letter without worrying about him falling for his tricks. Right?
I tore it open.
I can't imagine how much you must despise me right now. Or how little you trust me. You're probably thinking the purpose of this letter is to twist your emotions so that you'll forgive me. But right now, I realize I can't. There is no excuse for my actions.
However, I want you to know the entire truth, so you can despise me fully and for the correct reasons.
My father was the hardest, most crafty, and least honorable leader our mafia ever had. He used people in discriminately and destroyed people for amusement; but what made him the most successful mafia leader for generations was that he never cared for anyone. But one day, he fell in love. She was a senator's daughter. Word got around, and soon everyone was out to get her.
They went into hiding, and had me. He suspended all of his activities, and after a lot of influence from my mother, he decided to become legit. My mother wanted me to be able to love openly one day. When I was four, they came out of hiding, and continued the mafia business, and began investing in legal businesses secretly. However, his first act was to implement the use of the necklaces in an attempt to protect my mother. It worked for two years, then when he pulled his investment from Tesla, my father was killed. Soon thereafter, so was my mother. I was spared only because Francis was taking care of me at the time, and he was able to save my life.
Their death taught me never to fall in love. I continued to legitimize the business, and began cooperating with the police to catch the mafia partners that were most likely to give retribution. Everything followed according to plan.
When I met you, I spent a ridiculous amount of time in denial. At first it was easy to pass my feelings off as lust. As time went on, it became harder and harder to convince myself that each night didn't matter. So when Kenza told me to marry Lea, I obeyed. It was the perfect way to protect you. But every night was an intense battle with myself to stop myself from getting into a car and holding you in my arms.
I guess I became too arrogant about my own abilities, or maybe just too desperate to love you. I thought I could protect you, or perhaps the necklace would. My main fear was Logan, and so I had him tracked daily. I thought Kenza was just helping Logan with his revenge. The point is, I relaxed. I let myself enjoy the cruise with you, and it became evident to everyone that we were together. It was then that I realized I loved you. And I still do love you.
But when you were taken, I used a mafia way of thinking- of minimizing losses, of emotionless decisions, of pure business. When I fired that gun, I gave up the right to love you.
So, right now, I am using the mafia way of thinking, for you. What will be the best for you?
And what kills me the most, is that in every way of looking at your situation, it'd be best if you forgot me.
Today is August 11th. I still remember that first night with you, exactly one year ago. I remember every night, every day, every second with you. And I always will.
But you have to forget me. Forget that I disrupted your life for a year. Pretend I was a...one year stand that you accidentally got knocked up from. Tell...your child that his...or her father died in an accident.
Find a better husband. Someone who deserves your love, and deserves to love you. Forget me.
I couldn't breathe. For a while, I could only curl up in bed, and stare blankly at the letter. I was prepared for excuses, for proclamations of love, for pleading, for apologies...the last thing I expected, and the last thing I was ready for, was a goodbye.
Though Kevin said a million things, and a million logical reasons for each of them, there was only one thing I could focus on.
I missed him.
So I was trying to have this all done in one chapter, and I was fretting for a really long time how to stuff all that I wanted to say in. And then I remembered that there was no reason why i couldn't have one more. Or two more - I might add another chapter in earlier for stuff that went on the cruise, to clarify things and for fun :D Yeah so this isn't the last chapter.
Sorry about the long, drawn out, complicated stuff.
Please review ^^