688Only one more chapter to go guys *cries*.
I think it goes without saying that I enjoyed writing this chapter, painful as it was.
I don't really like doing this, the whole review begging routine, but if you're a silent reader or one of the many people who have this on alert... it would mean the world to me to hear what you think, especially now it's almost over.
And to everyone reading this, especially those who have been there since the start- thank you for sticking with me all this time.
I couldn't have asked for better readers.
For the rest of the week it felt like I saw October and Hailey everywhere I went; heads bent together in the library; out jogging in the cold light of the morning when I'd counted on missing them; even on Wednesday night as we did the rooftop ritual as a group for the first time. I hadn't seen them kissing, thank God, and they hadn't announced that they were together yet, but I drove myself crazy anticipating it. I couldn't eat again, I couldn't concentrate in trig- every time I saw them together I couldn't help assuming the worst, assuming that it had happened. October looked so much more relaxed with Hailey than he'd ever seemed with me, and with every sighting I felt my heart clench in absolute gut-wrenching jealousy.
It made me feel sick to my stomach.
By the time Saturday rolled around I felt like I'd aged forty years. Time had gone so slowly while I agonised, and the last thing I wanted to do was spend the day with Hailey and October- I thought I might end up gouging out my own eyes. I made a point of rising early and heading into town for the day- even if it meant walking and getting a bus because I just couldn't face driving the car that had sat in the garage since the beginning of September. Back then I'd thought it too ostentatious... now I just didn't trust myself on the roads.
I spent a few hours wandering around the mall by myself- buying some expensive shirts of my own, investing in a real leather jacket that I really couldn't resist and some plain white tees to go for a more simple, Jake-esque look. I was starting to think that if October didn't want me when I was trying to live up to my newfound reputation, then there was little point actually bothering. It was easier just to be myself.
I got my hair trimmed in Jesse's salon, congratulating him on the gold wedding band around his ring finger (a result of a trip to see his boyfriend in Canada, apparently- at least life was going well for someone out there) and feeling flattered as hell when a beautiful girl tried to hit on me in the drug store. I met Andrea in the food court and ate lunch with her there, talking to her properly for the first time since everything had happened with Leo. She joked with me and gossiped at crazy speed, but I was glad for the company; I realised that my only friendships outside mine with Andrea all stemmed from October, and that seemed kind of sad.
Finally, I picked up a Classic Movies box set to watch with Declan in our room that night. I really didn't feel up for hanging out with the rest of the group- probably because I was increasingly afraid of witnessing a kiss, but whatever the reason, staying away from October seemed like a pretty smart move. We were barely speaking to each other after our latest confrontation on the stairs. I didn't blame him for being a little mad but I was also embarrassed as hell at believing he wanted me. Ever since our fight, the intensity between us had completely dissolved; he wouldn't even look at me and it made me feel completely fucking miserable.
I was thinking about October, childishly imagining him falling to the floor and begging me to have him, as I knocked on the door of 3B, expecting Declan to answer. When the door was flung open, however, I was faced with a wild-eyed Hailey, who shook her head in distress and disbelief as she registered that I was alone.
"It's just Jake," she called, and behind her I saw Seth sitting with Declan on his bed, murmuring to him with a hand on his thigh. There was a frantic kind of electricity in the air that had me automatically on edge and I couldn't even pinpoint why. Hailey's facial expression stirred terror in my stomach as she turned back and pulled a desperate face at her big brother.
"October isn't with him," she added fearfully and I felt my panic meter rise to eleven.
What the fuck was going on?
Hailey waved the later in front of my face as she spoke, her words coming out in a jumbled hurry of broken sentences.
"He hasn't wanted to talk to me about his mom... I thought it was okay! Damn you... Jake, did he talk to you at all? No, of course not... he was going to... damn, this must have set him back. Four months before she gets in contact? Jesus... Willow DeTamble's a fucking dead woman."
It took me a while to grasp what she was actually saying.
"October's mom's been in contact with him? Jesus Christ!"
I didn't disguise the shock in my voice and Seth flinched as I continued, a string of curses coming from my mouth as I took the letter and scanned over it with my eyes.
"Yeah, and now he's fucked off somewhere and done exactly the same thing she did," Seth said gravely, "we were hoping that we were wrong and that he'd gone to you, but obviously not."
I was surprised by that.
"Why?" I asked. "If he was gonna tell anyone, surely he'd have gone to Hailey?" I looked back to her, noticing that Declan's hand was covering Seth's on his leg, that he was absent-mindedly stroking it and making comforting little noises.
"Don't be stupid," Hailey replied, all incredulous. "You may not want to be with him Jake, but that doesn't stop you from being the first person he'd want to go to."
I stopped. I stared.
Wait...What?
Who said I didn't want to be with him? That wasn't our problem! And why the hell would October come to me? October never came to me. He never talked, never explained himself- it was always me doing the talking and trying to read between the lines to figure him out.
She had to have got it wrong. I returned Hailey's narrowed eyes, confused and suspicious.
"First of all, you're wrong on both counts, and second... you're his girlfriend, why should it be up to me to fix him?"
I didn't bother skirting around the issue. If October was really missing, arguing about the specifics of it all would definitely not be helpful.
"Girlfriend?" Hailey screeched, looking pale and confused. "Jake, I told you myself that I thought you and October should be together! You've been sulking about it all week for fuck's sake!"
It was my turn to be surprised- it felt like I suddenly had ice in my veins.
"You said... Hailey, you said it was obvious who he should be with. I've seen you guys together! I mean... you were definitely talking about yourself... right?" I felt a lot less sure of myself now. I felt terrified that I'd made a terrible, horrible mistake. Hailey shook her head at me, disappointed- she looked at me with pity, as if she understood everything and knew that I was screwed.
At last, I realised the truth. I realised that she had never meant herself, that the whole time she had been talking about me and I'd misinterpreted it all because of my stupid obsession with their past.
Stupid, stupid Jake.
Fucking stupid fool of a boy.
"October's a big boy," I said finally. I spoke slowly, looking Hailey in the eyes as I tried to stop my face from crumpling in disappointment. "There's no reason to panic, right? He probably just wants to be alone." I couldn't help it coming out bitter now. "October always wants to be alone."
Now it was Declan's turn to look grim. "I said the same," he said with a heavy tone to his voice. "But then I realised he'd broken into my private liquor cabinet."
"He's stolen all the rum," Seth said glumly. "And all of Declan's bottles of strawberry daiquiri- fucking gay drink, by the way Dec."
My heart sank as a hysterical urge gripped me. It was ridiculous, hilarious and God-awful. Jesus, was he joking? Strawberry fucking daiquiri.
I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
Declan suggested we check the music room. Seth recommended the rooftop. Hailey said he could be halfway home to Hartford by now and I told her to stop being so damn negative, hoping all the while that she was wrong... like I had been.
Damn it.
Finally, our bickering proved too much and we decided to go our separate ways- Hailey, tired and cranky, decided to check around the school again, not wanting to venture out into streets of town as it got darker. Declan drove the rest of us back into Greenacre and we agreed to text if we found him; Seth stayed with Declan, conveniently remembering at the last minute that his phone was out of battery and leaving me alone to search. Something was definitely going on there, but I was too afraid for October to even begin to wonder at their sudden strangeness.
Hours seemed to pass without any luck. All I could think was that maybe, just maybe October would have come to me if I hadn't been so damn cowardly and hidden out at the mall, if I hadn't been so damn insecure and dishonest with him about Hailey and Josh. I knew deep down that October would have struggled to tell anyone at all, especially considering the warped nature of our friendship, but I had rescued him and I liked to think that it meant something, even if October was constantly trying to fight with me and stop me from getting any closer.
And I desperately wanted him to let me closer.
I was heading down main street, back towards Illyria, when I saw the car. It stuck out like a sore thumb- an ostentatious yellow Porsche sitting up on a grassy bank at the side of the road, two streets away from the old-style saloon bar and biker haunts. The car was unscathed, despite its haphazard parking that suggested an unplanned ascent, but it was also empty. I prayed to God that October hadn't gone to one of those bars, prayed that I wouldn't have to go and peel him off of the floor, or worse, off of some skanky freak preying on his beautiful, vulnerable body. It took me all of ten seconds to sprint up the verge, searching around wildly with my eyes in the hope of making out the boy of my dreams in the half-darkness.
I heard him before my eyes actually landed on him; the sound of his sobbing was a familiar one, despite him not doing it all that often. It was engraved permanently into my memory after that September night, and I would have recognised it anywhere.
October was sitting under a tree, shivering as his body heaved with each awful wave of tears. His head was covered by the hoodie- the same one that I had worn, and rested between his knees. He seemed to be trying to withdraw into himself completely, all tortoise-like, and I had never felt more sorry for anyone. That was what told me how much I cared about him- although in some ways he was no worse than Seth had been those nights on the roof, seeing October like that was not something I could handle so easily. Seeing him shatter was a devastating thing, like someone had knocked the air out of my chest and squeezed my heart in a vice-like grip. I wanted to join him in beautiful, broken pieces.
I had thought I'd seen him at rock bottom. At that moment I knew I was wrong, and I knew that this was his lowest point. It felt like an intensely private moment, but I stood there, mesmerised, watching October Detamble come undone.
I was at his side seconds later, saying his name over and over as he avoided my eyes, still crying into the icy-cold ground. He refused to look at me or let me see his face, so I had no choice but to sit there with him, pulling his frozen hands from his head and pressing them to my skin, hoping that the heat of my chest would warm them up. I smoothed the tears from his cheeks with my thumbs, resisting the urge to kiss them away as I continue to murmur soft, simple platitudes like I'm here and it's okay now and October, October, October. Probably for the second time in October's life ever, he just relinquished control, letting me touch him and hold him. I whispered his name like it was a mantra, hoping that it would reach him in his state of oblivion; his breath actually smelled exactly like strawberry daiquiri, so I didn't doubt that he'd given in to temptation.
After ten minutes or so I realised that he wouldn't be coming to his senses any time soon. I also realised that any longer in the cold and October would probably end up sick. I didn't have much choice- I had to move him.
My strength still wasn't what it had been thanks to the accident, but thankfully October was still painfully thin. It was just about possible for me to manoeuvre him into my arms, to lift him, head cradled into my neck, into the passenger seat of his car. I was shocked that I had managed to do it, in all honesty... but for October I could have done almost anything.
He was still sobbing, albeit more quietly now, and I panicked as I slipped into the driver's seat. There was a reason I could only do 'almost' everything, after all, and that reason became glaringly apparent as I sat there staring at the steering wheel. I tried to tell myself that a car was not a motorcycle, that it was a lot safer, that I was in a much better place now, mentally... but who was I kidding? I was scared out of my fucking mind but October probably had pneumonia or something and we definitely couldn't stay in his car all night. I fished around in my pocket for my cell phone, desperately punching in Declan's number. I despaired when neither him nor Hailey bothered to answer my call, nearly cried in frustration as Andrea's voicemail told me she was partying the night away and finally, I knew I only had one card left to play.
As October shook into his knees again, silently this time and looking like a beautiful mess of a boy as he did so, I called the only other person I knew in Illyria who would be in a fit state to come and help me.
"Leo," I said bravely, breathing deeply. "You owe me a favour, right?"
Leo's car was only slightly less expensive-looking than October's, and the second I saw the silver Jaguar pulling up alongside the bank I jumped out of the Porsche (never thought I'd have to say those words, Jesus they were nice cars).
"You alright?" Leo called, but all I could do was babble and gesture to October. Leo shook his head as he saw October sitting there in the passenger seat, curled practically into the foetal position. "Shit, this is kind of familiar," he murmured.
I glared at him awkwardly, not knowing if our relationship extended to small talk or friendly banter.
"Just help me, please," I finally muttered, knowing that it was really all I needed to say to him under the circumstances. Without another word, Leo pulled October from his car and carried him easily to the waiting warmth of the Jag. October lay on the backseat, seemingly exhausted, but he didn't seem to be crying anymore- just unconscious, which wasn't really a whole lot better. Fucking wonderful.
I climbed into the passenger seat grudgingly, sending a message to Dec and Hailey as I did so. For a few moments I was able to avoid Leo's eyes, able to concentrate mine on the screen of my phone, and as Leo started the car he turned on the stereo- an old British band poured out of the speakers, singing 'stop crying your heart out' and making me want to laugh at the irony of it. I tried not to look at Leo. I tried to just tune into the music and survive the journey, but eventually Leo couldn't stand the silence any longer.
"I'm so sorry mate," he burst out clumsily, surprising me. "While Fortescue aint here I thought I should say it... again. I never meant to hurt you."
Somehow Leo hurting me seemed like a long time ago. It almost seemed inconsequential, compared to what October was going through.
The British influence in his words now just reminded me of Seth- I remembered that I used to find Leo's lapses funny, but now I was just indifferent. I didn't tell Leo that it was okay- I couldn't, and it wasn't, but I couldn't help noticing how much simpler he was than my new companions. I knew he was sorry- he wasn't able to hide that or fake it.
My curiosity was the only thing compelling me to reply and it got the better of me soon enough.
"When did you start having so much of a problem with me being gay, Leo?" I had to ask. He'd been perfectly fine at the beginning, he hadn't even seemed to care about my quiet little crush... and yet I'd heard the words myself. I needed to know what had changed that.
Leo glanced at me briefly, having the decency to look ashamed.
"I heard you," he said. "You kind of... said my name in your sleep," he mumbled, sounding embarrassed to be telling me that. "I told Brie and she started saying that I should be freaked out, that if I didn't have a problem with it..."
"Maybe you were gay too?" I finished, knowing that even he wouldn't have been comfortable with that. "Brie can go fuck herself," I muttered darkly, not all that relieved to finally hear the truth.
"I'm sorry I set her on you," he said wincing. "She's a fucking head case, I know that now. She used me for my money, and when she met you and heard we were friends she decided to kill two birds with one stone. I honestly think she just likes playing with people... and she wanted to use you to get to Declan."
"Brie didn't make you say the things I heard you say," I said- Leo frowned with obvious disappointment. "But," I added, "I get that you really were looking out for me. I could have been just another idiot used by Seth or October. You were right to want to protect me... it was just a fucking stupid way of going about it. I was never going to be attracted to Brie- she's a girl, for God's sake."
Leo blushed- his eyes remained on the road as he replied and I watched him talk, aware of how long it had been since I'd done so.
"I know," he murmured. "Sometimes it's just hard for me to understand how someone can't find girls hot... like, I get that you like boys- the not liking girls part just baffles me." He shook his head and I thought about this, knowing that his explanation was genuine.
"Okay" was all I could say.
"I thought you were stupid though," he admitted after a minute or so of silence. "Liking October Detamble seemed fucking self-destructive," he said in a hushed tone, as if the unconscious boy in the back could hear him. "I'm not so sure anymore," he continued. "Everyone's talking about how those three are all under your thumb... Andrea's loving it. She thinks you're a hero or something."
"I can imagine," I said wryly, and he grinned. October moaned from the backseat and at once I turned to check that he was okay- he looked so vulnerable and unhappy as he slept that I just wanted to hold him. As it was, I had to force myself to remember that it wouldn't be socially acceptable to climb back there and pull him onto my lap to kiss the pain away.
"Oh my God," Leo said, breaking my worried trance. I tore my eyes away, realising that I'd been gazing adoringly at October. I looked at Leo, whose eyes were flickering between me and the road in wonder.
"You're in love with him," he said in amazement. It wasn't a question and I didn't know how to answer it. "You're in love with October DeTamble!"
I sighed to myself. "Stop calling him that- he's a human being like everyone else, for God's sake, not some scary Godlike thing. And what makes you the expert on my feelings? I've only known the boy three months."
Leo shook his head at me. "You were infatuated with him last semester after he showed you to the library, Jakey." The nickname didn't go unnoticed. "And I knew you had to care about him one hell of a lot to actually call me tonight, but... Christ, Jake, you look at him like my mum looks at my dad. Like you're powerless or something. I can't explain it."
I said nothing. I thought about it though; the words twisted themselves around in my brain until I was reciting them over and over. I'm in love with October- it was like putting on glasses for the first time. Everything suddenly felt so much clearer- things I'd already known were there were suddenly detailed and rich and beautiful.
I'm in love with October. When did that happen? I couldn't stop thinking it now it was in my head and I had never before let myself admit it, but now I had and I couldn't deny it anymore.
"You're right," I said eventually, sighing. "How fucking typical that it'd be you who pointed it out."
He smiled at me ruefully, turning into the driveway of Illyria and showing his pass to the night guard. "You gonna tell him?" he asked as he pulled into the garage and I surprised myself by seriously considering it.
"Until I loved him I'd expected it to be this big, perfect occasion, you know?" I answered contemplatively. I was frustrated by the harsh realities of the truth- I knew with perfect clarity that even if I were to admit it, October would probably just try to push me away. "October doesn't even believe in love," I continued solemnly. "My feelings aren't gonna go away, but he's not exactly likely to return them either... I just feel like I'm in limbo, you know? There's really nothing I can do."
Leo glanced at me in distress and finally shook his head, knowing perhaps that nothing he could say would make my situation better. He shut the engine off, climbing out and then carefully pulling Sleeping Beauty from the back seat. Together, we carried him up to 3B, where Leo laid him on my bed without even asking which was which, and then thanked me for trusting him. I didn't know what to say. I knew something had changed between us again but I had no idea where we stood. Eventually, I gave Leo a brisk hug, thanking him for his help and saying nothing of the sorry state of our friendship.
He left my room looking relieved and happy.
In all honesty, I felt almost sad to see him go back to his lonely room... but only almost. I had October to worry about after all; I tucked him into the bed pulling the thick white covers over his frozen body, feeling his pale, clammy cheeks with the back of my hand. My hand traced his cheekbones, his lips, his jawline, with a fondness that said the words I knew I would never say to him. In his sleep, Toby reached out and took my hand in his own, curling it in close to his heart in a gesture that brought tears to my eyes.
His heart was racing the same way I felt mine must be.
Smiling despite the cold, awful night and the fears of the past few weeks, I climbed in next to the boy I'd fallen so hard for, imitating our positions from that first night as I buried my face in his icy hair. I breathed in his woody, spicy scent, smiling sadly at the strawberry undertones even as I thrilled at the chance to hold him at last.
And then I whispered it out into the darkness, tears of relief and homecoming making me catch my breath.
"Only because I love you, October... I just... wasn't alive until I loved you."