I don't believe in God. That is to say, I have no interaction with religion – I prefer cutting off all like the end of a flower stem, leaving it to shrivel up and disappear. I want nothing to do with it. I always have. God is like Santa Claus to me now. He might have been there in my mind once, just a wish, or maybe a dread, that something out there really knew what I wanted, could watch me. He was a comforting figure. He vanished like Santa did when I caught my parents wrapping presents.
God and I have a difficult relationship, you see; that's just it. And there's just one sole reason around it: my heart.
What a better time to find out you have an exceptionally weak heart than at the age of six? That talk was more uncomfortable than my sex talk. Even for my parents, I think. I didn't even understand it at the time, and I'm glad I didn't. If I could, it would have been a hundred times more difficult. At least I'm female, though. The weaker sex. If I had been male, being less capable of living would have been a huge blow to my family.
I did finally understand, though. When I was nine, I came to the realization: Asiya, you will die. That seemed impossible, at the time. Death was only a myth. Only evil monsters, villains, and the most heroic died. I was none of those. I could not die. What did that cruel black-cloaked figure want with a poor girl like me? I had no idea, and he would still want me in his cold, scaly grip. Nothing would save me.
Around that time I completely stopped believing in God. Why would he do this to me? Did he pick numbers out of a hat, or draw straws with every human's name on one of them? I always was unlucky. But why would he even do such a thing? Heart disease and failure is one of the leading deaths in the world. In the United States alone, it kills one person every thirty-four seconds, or so I'm told. God was a murderer.
I don't care about my heart, though. Never did.
Odd as it may seem, I never cared much about it. It shocked me at first, that my predicted life expectancy was twenty-eight years old, and that the most likely cause of that death was heart failure. I never cried, I never mourned, I never dreaded or acted impulsively. I accepted it and continued on jumping rope, or painting my picture. I never cared. But I never faced the real truth, or I never thought of what complications it could bring. It just was. Like a word, any word. It's there. Sometimes you just don't understand it, but you learn.
This is where the difficulty in God's and mine relationship shows up. For if you don't believe in something, how can you need it?
I wonder about religion. I wonder about the effect it has on people, how it helps, how it ails, what's true and what is not. That's one
of the reasons I'd rather have nothing to do with it – I can't tell the difference between true and false when it comes to it. And then you have faith involved, but faith comes down to what you were taught when young, or what appeals to one most.
But I needed help. I need help.
I need a god.
Or an angel.
I've heard about miracles. I've heard about karma. Maybe miracles don't happen to the weak. Maybe I was conceived in an act of sin. Maybe I just started punching and abusing from childhood, or maybe I was just never nice enough... But of course, all of those couldn't be possible. They're fake theories. Miracles are coincidences and mistakes made on humanity's part. Karma: also coincidences. Maybe in a next life I'll return as a sheep. Or a Llama.
But the truth is, nothing can save me. Not God, not an angel, no miracle has enough power or time to give my heart the full strength it needs. I'm a lost case. A goner. I was practically dead when he opened that door, my heart beating weakly, his eyes watching sadly, the world stopping when we met.
Never had I felt so paralyzed.
From the first "Ms. Xylander?" I could never forgive him. First of all, that was my father's name.
A/n; I actually wrote this a while back, and part of the end to it. It's about a girl with a heart defect and she ends up falling in love with her doctor. The romance is actually cute, as far as I remember, but, as always, I had plot/motivation trouble along the way. Anyway. If I advance enough with Sin 23 then I might give it a shot...Think it's worth it? Bah.