The Idiot's Guide to Successful Villainy

Haven't you ever been sick of the goodie two shoes in the world? Haven't you wanted to rule the world? Is revenge a dish best served hot and fresh in your house? I am personally tired of good triumphing over evil, so I have created a guide for all future villains so that we might finally succeed in our evil plans. Just leave Batman to me joker!


1. Create a persona

Every villain needs an overlay wacky name. Something like Death deliverer! Or Fairy Crusher (quite scary if I do say so myself). Allow words like death, blood, dark, and doom to tack onto the name somewhere, it's more sinister. Or just call yourself Bill, its up to you.

Pick something and stick to it, no one like a villain that constantly changes names. CURSE YOU KNIGHTS WHO SAY NIH! WHO ARE YOU NOW?

Once you have a name, find some black clothing, a mask, and a cape and voila! Stay away from grey and navy blue, those colours are just not villain worthy.

2. Find some sort of weapon

Stay away from experiments. That includes all chemical plants and water testing facilities. Accidental superpowers take to long to master and they normally backfire in your face. They may seem cool but they always have some sort of ultra easy weakness. Stick to gadgets.

If you want to win against good than use something more creative than a gun, like a machete! They are wicked cool and can be thrown long distances. Plus if you are unfurling your plan in the Amazon you are all set for survival.

If you plan to kidnap a person, use tranquilizing darts in a sniper gun. Its quick, easy, silent, and no bruises to show to the police if they happen to escape.

Henchmen should be killed like the idiots they are. They are horrible guards and the squeal SO EASILY! They can't keep secrets. You are best to just align yourself with lesser villains and get them to do you dirty work.

3. Find a life story

Don't use your own story, the hero will always figure out what your secret identity is therefore gaining access to your weakness. Just make up some meaningless drivel about being a farmer whose favourite cow died and now you want to avenge Bessie! Lie your way to the top.

4. Create a plan

Get as crazy as you can, if no one can remember your plan, than they can't foil it! Plus what's the fun in staying simple? Have some flare, plan to take over the world by creating your own free hugs cult! Its already spreading! MUH HA HA HA!

Twist everything and lie to everyone, look at the Joker in the dark knight movie, he just ordered the henchmen to kill each other after each person's job was done. They didn't realise that they were being set up! That's why the Joker is rich now! Or if you find mindless zombies, they are perfect! Obedient, lovable! And cant tattle!

DO NOT, I say DO NOT spill your secret plan to the hero once you have captured them, just keep it a secret or once again lie! The hero will figure out exactly what your plan was when it works and will then marvel in you genius.

5. Wrong move

Please, for the love of God, do not ask for a ransom from the government, they will find you and beat you to a pulp. Just rob Britney Spears, she has just as much money and is too stupid to lock her doors at night.

Keep your plan to one phase, to many villians have had multiple phases leading up to the grand finale but that just alerts the hero to your existence, lay low and just hit them hard when the time comes. DONT leave stupid notes with clues just for fun! If you do you are stupid and deserve to be thrown out the window by batman.

When you win, book it outa there! Leave, go to your own private island, live in Mexico, go back to lve with your mom. Just do not stick around. Leave a tracking deice on your hero so you will know if they have finally found you.

Leave the hero identity alone, go for one phase. Do not find ways to taunt the hero it will only come back to bite you.

Leave the hookers and gigalos with your friend Jerry. They are usless distractions. You can have all the women or men you want when you get to peru. Just wait.

If you get caught, cry! Heros cant help but love crying grown men and women! Your like a sick puppy and they are the vet!

6. If you are powerful enough, go for the world

If Hilter could get close, than hell you can too!


That's all for my guide. Please have fun conquering the world or just robbing a bank. Roll in the cash every chance you get and then hang up your costume to give to your son when his is old enough. Toodles!