A Kidnappees survival guide

So you have been caught in the cliché story line here on fiction press. You were walking down a dark alley and all of a sudden you are knocked out and kidnapped! Most of the kidnappees should have read this survival guide, if they had they might have saved themselves a heap of trouble. If you find yourself in a overly used story plot line, head my words! Follow the easy steps to going from kidnappee to a free woman or man!


1. DON'T GET KIDNAPPED IN THE FIRST PLACE!

Nuff said

2. DON'T PUT YOURSELF IN DANGEROUS SITUATIONS!

Alleys are a big NO NO! If you can survival those three extra minutes it take you to get home than you won't get kidnapped! Creepy men like alleys, it's a fact of life. I don't care if your dog chancy ran in there, leave him! Or bring the whole LA PD with you! If you comply with these instructions then you and chancy can go home happy!

If some absolutely gorgeous drop dead model guy is asking for your number, then run! Most rich models are psycho paths anyways. Find some nerd, give him a makeover, and get him a gun! Viola! Saftely from rich kidnappers in three easy steps!

Carry a bat with you, no body messes with the crazy person with a bat on the street.

Carry homemade cookies! cookie bribery could work?

3. IF YOU ARE BEING FOLLOWED, JUST GET AWAY!

It doesn't matter how sexy his breath on the back of your neck is! Kick him where the sun don't shine! He is a kidnapper, don't let your lack of real men cause you to become some sort of sex toy to the criminally insane!

Use a drain pipe, if you were crazy enough to go into an alley then you are crazy enough to be wielding a drain pipe.

Try screaming "I HAVE HERPES!" and see what happens, it's worth a shot.

4. I HAVE BEEN KIDNAPPED NOW WHAT!

If you made it to number four then your lack more common sense then I thought. Anyways here are some simple tips to survive being a character in a horrible cliché kidnapping story.

-When you wake in a soft silky bed, don't continue to freak out! I can't even afford silky pjs! I am staying in the bed!

-If there is someone in the room, don't ask their name. Just Stare, twitch your eyebrows, laugh maniacally, the crazier you seem the less they will want you.

-Don't go exploring, that's where you find the rooms full of torture devices and sex toys. It's also when the host finds you! Its always in the hallways your not supposed to be.

-JUST CALL HIM MASTER! Its all he wants! You will be much happier! But if they give you a name like "O HIGH AND MIGHTY LORD MASTER AND RULER OF MY HEART" eh screw it, its not worth the memory space.

-If he says he loves you and that you are his destined wife then simply say "prove it in a non sexual manner" it will either keep him occupied until you can escape or you might just get a PUPPY!

-Make friends with the maids, they know what's going on, you don't.

-Mooch the guy for all he's worth, you will walk out a lot happier

5. I WANNA GO HOME!

Well at this point in the story if you haven't completely fallen in love with your "master" and haven't made plans to get away with the sexy pool boy, then you can begin to make escape plans.

PACK FOOD AND A SWEATER! You always end up hungry and cold when wandering the woods, so either suck it up or bring a cookie.

Look for a house or highway, nuff said.


That's all the help I can give you if you find yourself captured by some sort of vampire lord or just an all around crazy rich guy. If you find yourself kindnapped in real life, then it sucks to be you this proably won't apply. But good luck anyways! Ciao! Toodles! Adios! (smack from nearby friend) OOOWW! I GET THE PICTURE!