18A/N: For my cousin who wanted me to have at least one story that was complete. Here is my first oneshot. :)
Summary: A boy tries to bake a cake for the love of his life and a cat dies in the process. He really shouldn't have baked that meat cake.
Warnings: BoyxBoy relationships. Don't like, don't read. Slight bit of bad language. Oh, and this is utter crack. Just saying.
2 Eggs–Check
1 cup Flour–Check
½ cup Sugar–Check
15 strips of beef–Maybe
Riki smiled as he looked into the recipe book, only wincing when he saw the last ingredient. Sighing, he figured it was worth it, after all, since it was for Jeremy, the love of his life. Blowing a strand of loose blonde hair away from his eyes, he set to work, opening his refrigerator and pulling out a rather large leg of beef. The acrid smell of the blood hit him almost immediately, making his blue eyes water. Holding his breath, he began carving the flesh off of it and dropping the shredded pieces into the bowl with the rest of the ingredients, stirring the whole mess together with a wooden spoon. After the whole thing was an unrecognizable mass of red and white, he placed the bowl into the baking oven, setting the time to half an hour.
"Jeremy will love this, right Tink?" he asked a small grey kitten, bending over slightly to pull her into his arms. She snuggled happily into his pink apron, mewing cutely in agreement, which caused a smile to stretch out on his lips. "Thanks for saying so, Tinkerbell." She only mewed again. The ring for the door and the oven sounded at the same time, causing Riki to squeal loudly as he placed the kitten down on the floor to pull his treat out from the oven. "Yay, Jeremy is home! He's going to be so happy when he sees the treat I baked for him!" He nearly ran from the room to open the door, leaving Tinkerbell behind. The kitten huffed jealously at the lack of attention, but its attention was pulled away by the delicious smell that wafted to its nose.
"Mew?"
As soon as Jeremy caught sight of the pink apron his lover had donned, he broke out into a cold sweat. 'Oh God, please don't let him be c—'
"Oh, Remy-poo, guess what?" Before Jeremy could respond, Riki answered his own question, unconsciously confirming his dark-haired lover's worst fear. "I baked you a treat! Isn't that great? Huh? Huh? Huh?" The small blonde began bouncing up and down giddily, not noticing the fear behind Jeremy's bespectacled eyes. His tone began to grow whiny when the silence continued to reign between them. "Come on, Jeremy! I baked you something...aren't you happy?" His voice snapped Jeremy out of his stupor and he nodded stiffly, swallowing slightly to keep his throat from drying out. It was already beginning to hurt and he hadn't even tasted the treat Riki had made for him.
"I'm very happy, Riki," he said weakly. The blonde smiled at him, immensely pleased, and grabbed his hand, tugging him towards the kitchen. All the while, Jeremy prayed for his life.
'God, if you are out there, and I sorely hope you are, please kill me now! Kill me before I taste whatever is to come because I'll surely die anyway when I taste the poison Riki has baked!' Even his thoughts put an emphasis on bake, Jeremy thought dryly, surely that was an omen?
Riki gasped in slightly-overdone horror when he found the kitchen counter empty. "Where's my meat cake!" he all but shrieked, failing to notice Jeremy thanking the gods. His question was answered when he finally turned back to his boyfriend and found him staring down at something...bloody paw prints. "Tinkerbell! You get your catty butt in here!" He heard the cat mewl weakly from further behind the counter and stalked over to it. All his anger drained away when he saw the pained look the kitten directed towards him. Worriedly, he dropped to her side and gathered the small body into his arms. She began to struggle almost immediately, forcing him to tighten his grip. "What's the matter with you, Tinky-baby?" he cooed softly, oblivious to Jeremy's slightly green face, and gasped when she abruptly went still.
"Oh my God," his boyfriend began in a broken voice. "Did she just die?"
Many tears and a kitty-coroner's report later, it was confirmed that Tinkerbell was poisoned. Jeremy decided to spend the night at his office while Riki mourned with Valentine, his childhood best friend.
"How could this happen, Val?" Riki wailed into a very wet handkerchief. Valentine rubbed his shoulders gently, her voice soothing.
"It's not your fault, Riki-Tiki, you know that," she soothed. The blonde-haired man's wailing only increased in pitch.
"Yes, it is! Tinkerbell ate my meat cake and died! Waah! I'm a horrible cook and a murderer!" Valentine paled slightly at the mention of Riki's meat cake, but cleared her throat to hide it.
"You are not! It isn't your fault that Tinkerbell died and you most certainly are not a terrible cook. All you have to do is keep trying. Use your amazing online recipes and I'm sure you'll become an awesome cook!" she stated with determination. Riki offered her a watery smile in thanks for the encouraging words, but his blue eyes grew teary again when he thought of Tinkerbell.
"But I can't! What if someone else dies because of my horrible culinary skills?" He was surprised when Valentine grabbed both of his hands, holding them in her own, her brown eyes shining in determination.
"Do it for Tinkerbell! Don't let her death be in vain!" she declared, eyes bright. Riki nodded dumbly before smiling again, stronger this time.
"You're right! I have to keep cooking! I'll do it for Tink!" When his best friend smiled, he failed to notice the tightness around her lips. "I'll start by whipping us up some tea and cookies!" Valentine paled again.
"Atta-boy!" she said, to cover it up. "But I really have to get going. Why don't you just make yourself some tea?" Riki faltered slightly, the edges of his lips pulling down into a frown, so the woman offered another bright smile. "For Tinkerbell?" That inspired the blonde once more and he ran off into the kitchen. Once she was sure Riki was gone, Valentine pulled out her sleek, black cell phone. "Hello, Jeremy? Yeah, I have to talk to you. Right away, if possible." The phone snapped shut with an audible click.
Jeremy waited for Valentine at a coffee shop near his office, checking his watch occasionally. The brown-haired woman wasn't actually late, he'd only been waiting for a few minutes, but he was still jumpy from what he had come to call the Tinkerbell disaster. 'Meat cake? Thank you, Lord, for saving me or I would have been the stiff that the police dragged away. Poor Tink, I really liked that cat, but it was her or me and it had to be me. Sorry, cat.' His internal conversation was cut off when the click of high heels alerted him to Valentine's presence. The woman was dressed in an elegant black dress with a small black beret on top of her brown curls. If she didn't always dress that way, Jeremy would think she was flirting. That thought drifted away when he saw the serious set of her mouth. "Hullo, Valentine. What's the matter?" She slammed her black-nailed fingers onto the table and looked him right in the eyes.
"This is no time for formalities! I'm here to rescue you." That got his attention and his eyes widened.
"Save me? From what?" He was pretty sure he had an idea, but he just wanted to make sure. Valentine's eyes narrowed, her frown increasing.
"I think you know what!" But she still clarified, in case he really didn't understand. "From Riki, that's what!" She let the silence drag on to build the suspense while Jeremy waited on baited breath. "...He's...clinically insane." The silence began to drag again, this time unintentionally, as Jeremy's jaw hung in shock. Finally, the dark-haired man gathered himself enough to speak.
"What!? What do you mean, he's insane?" He thought back to the blonde's bouncy behavior ever since they first met in college and became lovers. "I mean...sure he's a little quirky, but isn't calling him insane going a bit too far? He is your best friend after all." Valentine only frowned at him impatiently.
"No, I mean it. He's really insane! He's got medication and was even institutionalized for a short period of time, but he wanted to hide it from you because he loves you..." Her voice softened during the last part and Jeremy softened with it. After all, Riki's feelings were very requited, but how could he deal with this news?
"What was he institutionalized for?" His voice wavered slightly and Valentine's brown eyes hardened.
"For poisoning." Jeremy felt the world shatter around him. "I suggest you stay away from his cooking from now on. If you want to live, that is." And then she walked away, leaving Jeremy a sweating mess. Once outside, she pulled out her cell phone and called Riki.
"Riki, you won't believe what happened!" Valentine whispered into the phone, waiting eagerly for her friend to reply. After a while, her answer came.
/What?/ He sounded busy, probably with some other disastrous baking adventure, and she smiled at catching him just in time. She would have to act quickly.
"I saw Jeremy at a café with a gorgeous brunet! She was simply stunning and Jeremy looked captivated by everything she said!" The gasp on the other line already sounded tearful, causing Valentine to bite her lip guiltily before forcing herself onward. "I don't think she was a sister and Jeremy doesn't have many lady friends, does he?" There was more silence on the other end before a broken response.
/N..no.../ Riki was, by nature, a very open and emotional person. He wore his heart on his sleeve, as the saying went, and usually he was happy, but Valentine could just picture him in the corner of her mind. Blue eyes filled with tears, pale cheeks dripping with them, nose red, and lips and chin quivering. It nearly broke her heart to do this to him, but Jeremy was her friend too, albeit, a more recent friend, but a friend none-the-less.
"I'm sorry, Riki," she whispered, and she meant it, though not for the reason he thought.
As soon as Jeremy opened the door, a pillow hit him in the face. "What the he—" he began angrily, but stopped when he caught sight of his lover. Riki was, to put it gently, a wreck. The blonde looked like he had been crying and that sight drained all of Jeremy's anger away. "Riki, honey, what's wrong?" He moved to take the other man into his arms, but was pushed away quite roughly.
"Don't touch me, Jeremy! Just tell me..." Riki's voice broke slightly and Jeremy reached for him again. "Tell me who the woman you met was..." Jeremy gaped at him in response, further angering his blonde lover who picked up his fallen pillow and smacked him with it over and over. "Bastard! Bastard! Bastard!" But Jeremy was too preoccupied.
'Who told him about my lunch with Val? Oh well, I won't tell him that it was with her or he'll get suspicious of her. She doesn't deserve that after she helped me.' Looking into tearful blue eyes, he turned away from the assault and pecked Riki on the forehead. "It wasn't anything romantic. Just trust me, Riki. Trust me, okay?" He turned away from his wounded lover, hoping that he had appeased the blonde, only to have a plate hurled at his head. He ducked just in time.
Jeremy swivelled around to face Riki, shock apparent behind his spectacles, which were sliding down his face from the speed of his turn. "Riki, you really are insane! I didn't want to believe it, I thought you were just a little strange, found it cute even, but now I know the truth." Riki's blue eyes, which were filled with anger, instead became filled with confusion and disbelief.
"What are you talking about? I'm not insane!"Jeremy didn't even give him a chance to speak. Instead he stalked into their joint bathroom and tore open the medicine cabinet. Riki ran in behind him to stop him.
"Where are you hiding your meds?" The dark-haired man shouted. Riki glared at him, confusion only increasing. "What? Did you honestly think I wouldn't find out that you're a poison master? Huh? Huh? Huh? Well, what have you to say for yourself?"
"Poison master? What are you talking about? Are you talking about Tink? That was just an accident." It hurt Riki to think his boyfriend blamed him for their cat's death. Even more for him to think that he had done it on purpose. In the heat of their argument, they didn't hear the lock to their door turn to open or see Valentine walk in. She, however, noticed them arguing and turned to leave, only to be stopped when both men noticed her.
"Valentine!" Both men shouted, forcing her to pause in her step and smile tightly.
"Hello, my good friends," she began with a nervous laugh which died down when she saw the glares both directed towards her.
"Who told Jeremy that I'm—"
"Did you tell Riki that I—"
Valentine winced again, forcing another smile, before stealing herself and turning around to face both of her angry friends. "I did." Both men stopped shouting at her to stare in shock, obviously not expecting an outright confession out of her.
"You did?" Riki began softly, eyes watering again. "But why?"
"Not to hurt you...even though I did that in the end. I did it for one big reason," she trailed off in a suspenseful manner. Both Riki and Jeremy waited on baited breath to hear why, but she was only speaking with Riki at the time. Looking him straight in the eyes, she told him the truth. "You...can't...cook! There! I said it! You can't cook! I'm sorry, Riki, but it's true. I couldn't tell you because I'm your friend and I didn't want to hurt your feelings, but I couldn't let Jeremy die of food poisoning, either. I'm sorry." Jeremy looked at her blankly for a second before chuckling quietly.
"Thanks, Val," Jeremy laughed, earning a glare from Riki, before the blonde turned back to Valentine, his own personal Brutus, biting his lower lip slightly.
"What about Jeremy's other woman..?" he asked, faltering slightly. Jeremy began to defend himself, but Valentine held up a hand.
"He needs to know the whole truth...from me." Jeremy nodded and she looked back into Riki's watery eyes. "Initially, I only called to check up on you, but you were cooking something, I could tell, so I made something up. Good thing I'm a quick thinker." Riki looked completely relieved, before shooting Jeremy an apologetic look to which the dark-haired man smiled kindly. Valentine caught their interlocked gaze and, smiling, she turned to leave, throwing one final goodbye over her shoulder. "Sorry for manipulating you guys, now make up." It was an order and they caught it, embracing as soon as she left, closing the door behind her.
"Sooo..." Jeremy began, a sly smile taking place on his full lips.
"Sooo..." Riki answered shyly, still embarrassed about his new revelation. "I'm sorry I'm such a horrible cook." He scuffed the toe of his house slippers against their plush carpet. He was surprised when Jeremy lifted him into his arms.
"Have I ever told you that I love you? Even if you can't cook." Riki stared up at him with a dark flush painted on his pale cheeks. He whispered a quiet 'I love you' in return and Jeremy barked in laughter. "Remind me to call the office and tell them that I'm taking a vacation." Riki stared up at him with wide eyes.
"Really, Remy-poo?" Jeremy nodded yes in answer and Riki smiled again.
"On one condition..." Riki tilted his head in confusion.
"What is it?" Jeremy smiled softly.
"We eat out—forever!" Riki pouted, only to have the pout kissed away.
A/N: Hope you guys liked it. To be honest, I'm embarrassed by it. This is what happens when I watch a weird drama with my parents instead of reading educationally. o.O
R&R: Please review if you did happen to enjoy it. ^^ Which I hope you did. I re-edited it, by the way.