2She groggily skulked up the stairs and closed the door as quietly as possible. She let her bag slide off of her shoulder and slump over against the couch cushion. As she glanced down, tears filled her eyes as she strained to sit on the couch, but she couldn't move. It was as if her whole inside had iced over in a cold slime that gave her the urge to shiver. The room was silent enough for her to hear the escalading heart beat. Along with her heart was her breathing. She started to hear her pulse in her ears as the pressure from preventing the tears built up. The harder she tried to keep the levies up, the easier and faster the tears flowed. Finally, she gave in and fell to the floor, sobbing and gasping for breath. Mucus was now heavily flowing from her nostrils as her mascara burned her eyes.
What was she supposed to do? She had just completely ruined her life and the lives of everyone around her. If she tried to fight back, it would only damage her mother and if she went with the flow, he would mercilessly make her life a miserable, tormented hell. There was no right choice. He'd lied to her, yet again and this time, she couldn't get around what she'd said. Sure, she'd finally told the truth, but it wasn't what he wanted to hear, so it only made it worse.
Her choking and sobbing grew louder as she pondered what the consequences would be for the people around her. She'd wanted to make it all go away, but instead, all she'd accomplished was making things so much worse than before. Unintentionally, she irreversibly affected anyone and everyone around her. Life would never be the same all because she finally had the courage to tell the truth.
She picked up her head and started looking around the room for some kind of condolence. Her friends wouldn't ever understand, she had to protect her mother, and her shaking was growing more and more violent. At that moment, grabbing the belt hanging in the closet and wrapping it around her neck was sounding pretty satisfying. She could just end it. No more court. No more problems. She wouldn't disrupt anyone's life again. It's not like anyone would miss her. All she ever did was piss people off and bitch about people lacking personality. Hell, how did she know her friends even liked her?
Eleven fucking years. For eleven years, she's had to deal with this. Her will to live was growing slimmer and slimmer as the hands of the clock on the wall mocked her with their tick tick ticking. What had she done to deserve this kind of pain? This internal longing for escape and security was rotting her from the inside out. Her mother could do well without her attitude and talking back and her friends might not mind having one less person to sit with at lunch. The person she'd loved for almost three years couldn't care less about her and all she wanted to do was end the pain; the suffering.
Time flew by as she sat and contemplated this irreversible fate. Would she have the courage to do it? What would happen when her mother found out? Would she even cry? What about her friends? Would they just kick her memory aside and replace her with some airheaded bimbo that made them look good? What about him? Would he sit there and think, "Who is this person they are talking about?" And what about her father? He would come upstairs, find her corpse hanging lifelessly in the closet and what would he think? Would he think, "Oh no, how will I get rid of the body without anyone seeing it?" or would it be more along the lines of "Yes! Now I can use this against her mother in court!" It definitely wouldn't be thoughts of remorse or regret.
Suicide was the easy way out, she told herself. It was quitting. Cowardly. Horrendous. Selfish. She knew that her mother and friends would care if she died. She knew that if her friends went to school and heard of her taking her life, it would damage them. She knew that if her mother came home to find that she'd committed suicide, it would destroy her. She thought that telling herself the opposite would make doing the deed that much easier.
She pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around herself. Dealing with this dramatic turmoil was breaking her down so quickly and fatally. The fact that she'd just seriously contemplated killing herself was a sheer sign that it was time to finish this.
So, instead of taking the easy way out, she picked up her phone and dialed the number that would lead her out of the darkness and back towards the happy life she never got to experience.