and it's not that i want to kill myself
(though i don't fear it like i used to),
but when your emotions are
out of control
and your mind is overflowing with things left unsaid,
with things that should never have been said,
and all you can think about is how much things have changed between him and you,
and you grimace every time you look in the mirror
(you thought you'd gotten better, but oh, how you've changed these past few months),
and nothing, not even yourself (especially yourself), makes sense anymore,
you'll do whatever it takes to get the room to stop spinning.
and you can't help but notice it lying there on your desk,
seducing you with its promise of sanity and peace and relief from the chaos
(even though all it's ever been good for is cutting things into tiny pieces).
and as you watch the stress, the pain, the insecurities fly far, far away,
out the open window and into the night sky filled with millions of twinkling stars
(like diamonds in the sky),
you know it's wrong,
but it's only once,
(it's only once),
and you know the release is only temporary,
(it's only once),
but for the first time,
the first time in a very, very long time,
you can finall e.

a/n: no, i have not done it for three months, and i want it to stay that way. but the temptation is still there.