'There was an Old Woman who lived in a shoe,

She had so many children, she didn't know what to do.'

Scene: A large desk to stage C. The desk has stacks of paper in an orderly fashion, a mug of pens, a Tim Horton's coffee cup, a telephone and a laptop. There is a large chair behind the desk and a smaller, wooded one in front of it. Both are occupied, the wooden one by an older woman, the large one by a professional looking woman in her early forties. There is a large white sign reading "Social Services" on the side of the desk, facing DC stage, and another standing at ULC stage.

SOCAIL SERVICES WORKER

(folds her hands on the desk and regards AGATHA)

So, Ms Fairbottom, you said this meeting was urgent?

AGATHA

(looking flustered)

Yes, it most certainly is! I will go mad with all of those little four-year olds running around my feet all of the time.

SOCIAL SERVICES WORKER

(frowns)

Ms Fairbottom, are you saying you run a daycare? Are you registered?

(AGATHA laughs)

AGATHA

A daycare? My word, I wish! No, every one of those twenty four children is mine.

(SOCIAL SERVICES WORKER raises eyebrows)

SOCIAL SERVICES WORKER

And…do you have the financial means to support these children, Ms Fairbottom?

AGATHA

(snorts)

Well, that's just one of my problems! First of all, where on Earth did these kids come from? Sure, I gave birth to them, but listen…There is no Old Man! Every single information book I have read clearly stares that it is simply impossible for me to have twenty four kids without and Old Man!

(leans forward and places hands on the edge of the desk)

In all of the nursery rhymes about me, have you ever heard any mention of an Old Man? Me neither! And there's another thing.

(stands up and walks to DR. SOCIAL SERVICES WORKER stands up but stays by the desk)

I am 67 years old, my good lady. 67! Heck, I've already gone through menopause! How did I manage to give birth to twenty four dang kids?

(turns and faces SOCIAL SERVICES WORKER, breathing hard)

Can you tell me that?

SOCIAL SERVICES WORKER

Ah…I'm not too sure myself.

(begins slowly reaching for the phone)

AGATHA

(marches back to stage C)

And if that isn't enough, you know where I live? A shoe! You try fitting twenty four screaming toddlers in a show, all of them screaming for their own room. Granted, it's a pretty big shoe, but you would not believe the stink! I've tried everything, Febreeze, scented candles, nothing works!

SOCIAL SERVICES WORKER

(wide-eyed and looking slightly frightened)

Well, Agatha, why don't you sit down and I'll get you a nice cup of coffee?

AGATHA

Oh, thank you my good woman!

(sits down in the wooden chair)

It's high time someone took care of me.

SOCIAL SERVICES WORKER

(picks up the phone and presses a button)

Security, please.

(SECURITY PERSONELLE enter from stage UR and walk towards AGATHA. AGATHA turns and sees them

AGATHA

Oh, you have my coffee already? What fast service!

SECURITY PERSONELLE

I'm going to have to ask you to come with me, Ma'am.

(takes AGATHA by the arm and begins walking back with her to stage UR)

AGATHA

Oh, you have a special room, just for coffee? Well, isn't this just a sophisticated building!

SECURITY PERSONELLE

Yes it is, Ma'am.

AGATHA

(turns her head as they walk to SOCIAL SERVICES WORKER)

And you, my good woman, I expect those children to be gone when I return home, and finally getting my pension would be nice!

SOCIAL SERVICES WORKER

Yes, certainly, Ms Fairbottom.

(AGATHA and SECURITY PERSONELLE exit to stage UR, AGATHA chatting away the whole time)

SOCIAL SERVICES WORKER

(sighs and sits back down in large chair. Mumbles to herself)

Mad, she is. Simply raving.

(shakes her head and begins typing on the laptop)

BLACKOUT