4A/N: Uhh…this one was completely unintentional. But I had to write it. I wrote it yesterday, and so I'm posting it now. Keep in mind that I was seriously depressed while writing it. Like 'What's my purpose in this fcked up life' kind of depressed. Yeah…anyway, hope you'll still like it…Please review, even if only to tell me my mind's completely messed up XD
Oh,and this story is straight from my little messed up mind...
I'll find you again...
'It's gone.' I hear my mind speak.
The road I chose to tread on…is gone. I can't see it anymore.
I stand in silence, looking at the thick veil of fog that's in front of me. And also behind me. All around me.
'And in me', I think to myself dejectedly, a bitter smile curling my lips.
I take in a deep breath, full of anticipation of what's to come, now that my sight is rendered useless and all I can do is wait and see what awaits me behind this block of cold, harsh mist. I take a step-a very cautious one- as I slowly advance forward.
I don't hear a sound.
I can't see a thing.
This desolate place is completely devoid of life…Bare, cold and most definitely- dead. Time doesn't flow here; it's put to a stop…for the whole eternity, maybe…?
Immersed in my thoughts while walking in complete silence for God knows how long, I almost fail to notice that the mist is gone and that now there is some sort of light- warm, but still… cold. Bright and yet - too dim. I'm put to a sudden stop at my own realization.
I can't go any further.
There's a glass wall right in front of me. As I search it with my green-blue eyes, I notice a figure in the distance, which is actually on the other side of the glass, slowly walking towards me. The closer I came to the glass, the more the figure was visible. It was her. The one that is me, just as I am her.
She's waiting for me, isn't she?
Somehow, deep down inside, I knew she would be. I was ready for it. Or so I thought.
Coming to an arms' length from the glass wall, I stopped, and she also did the same. Now, from this distance, I could clearly see her face. I looked her in the eyes, shivering slightly from what I found in them.
Nothing.
Her eyes are…dead.
They're completely lifeless, cold and expressionless. I lower my head in shock and a feeling very similar to …shame.
At that moment, a thought runs through my head- 'Was it me? Did I...' I start to slowly raise my head, all the while my gaze firmly placed on the ground beneath my feet, and then beneath her feet, to finally land on the ground behind her. Anywhere, just so I don't meet her eyes. But…I can't help it. I need to look inside them just one more time. I gulp harshly before I lift my gaze up to meet her eyes once again. My heart sinks at the sight of her. She's just…standing there. And her face…her face…clouded with immeasurable sadness, her eyebrows furrowed, lips slightly parted, bottom lip trembling as if she's about to…
Oh God, please don't…Don't cry!
I can see disbelief on her face, as if she's still trying to decide if I'm real or just a ghost of her thoughts. When she finally concludes that I'm really there, standing just a few steps away from her, her face relaxes with relief. Her eyes flutter close, and I see a lone tear rolling down her cheek from behind her closed eyes. As she opens her eyes, she flashes me a small smile, warmer than anything I've ever seen. At that moment, I could feel my heart clench. Even though she was smiling, it just didn't seem right…She looked so…sad…And that smile- it never reached her eyes.
Suddenly, her face changed. The smile was gone. Her eyes shone with rage, her gaze never leaving my face. I saw a small movement of her lips- first they were just slightly opening, just to be replaced with what looked like as if she was screaming. Her voice never reached me, but what she was saying-or, rather… mouthing- was painfully clear to me. She was just repeating that one word- 'why'.
'Why did you leave me,' my mind supplied.
'Why did you betray me? WHY!' my mind started screaming her words, her emotions.
I gasped harshly trying to take a breath, suddenly realizing I was holding it for quite some time, but it didn't work. I feel like I'm suffocating. The sight of her is killing me, slowly, painfully, eating my heart away. My breathing became ragged, shallow, a strange burning sensation in my chest growing, spreading like a forest fire, and then finally reaching my throat. I lick my dry lips and try to swallow that big lump that appeared in my throat, seemingly out of nowhere. No luck. It only made the lump bigger, hindering my breathing even more.
She suddenly stopped speaking, lowered her head and slumped a little. She stayed like that for what seemed to have only been a few moments, but to me- it felt like hours…Then, she slowly raised her head, her eyes never meeting mine, and took a step forward the glass wall separating us. Just that one step before she just…stopped and stood there…
What is she doing?
Why is she just…standing there?
I flinched a little when she moved her arms, slowly, cautiously raising them, until her palms were only an inch away from the glass. As if realizing what it is that she's doing, she hesitated a little, her palms hovering in midair. Fisting her hands, she seemed to have given up on whatever it was she was about to do. Shaking her head a little, she suddenly placed her palms on the cold, smooth surface.
Doing that seemed to have completely broken her. She lowered her head and I knew, as I saw the tremors of her body, I knew she was crying. The sight of her like that, small and fragile, saddened me to the point where I couldn't bare to watch her like that anymore. But, what was I to do? What can I do with the wall separating us? Her small frame started shaking violently and that's when I noticed the expression on her face. She wasn't just crying…she was screaming, just like before-only this time not from anger, but from pain. The screams, the sobs, the tears- they were all just a tool to help her erase the hurt, calm her heart and comfort her aching soul.
I couldn't take it anymore. I felt my knees buckle below me, and as I was falling to my knees I could feel her in me. I could hear her voice ringing in my head, in my heart, even though it never reached my ears. Her cries slashed through my heart like a knife. Then I noticed it.
I trapped her.
It wasn't a wall.
It was a glass box. A prison.
And I put her there.
Oh God, it was me all along! It was I who trapped her! I gave up on her. I denied her. And I did all of that in order to avoid pain.
'Stupid little girl, am I not?' my mind's voice rang through my head, sounding bitter.
That's when it dawned on me- I killed her. I killed the glow in those eyes, the happiness and contentment that used to shine behind those eyes. I destroyed all of that. By my own two hands.
It hurts!
Knowing that I was the reason for her pain and suffering hurt me so much that I couldn't even breathe. I'm the one that…
… made her scream in pain, her tears streaming down her face…
It hurts. I feel like my chest is about to burst. My heart hurts. And this lump in my throat is only growing bigger by the minute. Lowering my head, I see broken shards of glass around me. Some even got stuck in my knees, penetrating my skin, and it probably happened when I fell to the ground. But it doesn't hurt. That doesn't hurt. Not one bit. Because my body is numb. It's my soul that hurts. She's the one hurting. She's screaming, asking for acknowledgment, for acceptance.
"I'm sorry," I manage to choke out as my body starts shaking from loud sobs escaping my lips. I can feel the hot liquid pour down my cheeks as the lump grows even bigger, choking my voice until I could make no sound.
It hurts. It hurts so much! I'm scared…so scared!
The tears are gone. They have dried out, but my sobbing just won't stop! I was shaking so much, and just that one thought repeating itself in my mind, over and over again- 'It hurts'. All of a sudden, I felt warm, gentle arms wrap around my shoulders… It was her! But…wait… the glass box…? As I looked behind her, I could see nothing anymore. It was gone. It was no more…Gone. Forever gone.
Oh. Then the shards of glass around me…
But, the glass was also gone. Disappeared. Even my knees…they were fine, with no signs of even a smallest scratch.
"Shhh" was all I heard slip past her lips as she gently rubbed my back with one hand, trying to calm me down, while bringing my head down on her shoulder with her other hand. But, the affectionate gesture only made me loose that tiny little bit of self-control I was so fervently trying to preserve. I put my arms around her, grabbing her by her shoulders and breaking down completely. Trying to ease my heart and soul. Trying to set them free.
Eventually my cries died and the trembling of my body subsided. When I finally found my courage and gazed up at her face, I was greeted with such a warm smile that even managed to light a fire in her eyes, making them flicker.
"I-I'm so-sorry," I said to her, my voice faltering, but my gaze still firm on her eyes.
"Thank you" she said to me, kissing me on the forehead with a butterfly-like kiss, and pulling my head down to her shoulder yet again. Still holding me in her arms, with both strength and kindness, and not letting go.
"I'm sorry, I failed you." I started talking, not looking her in the face, my head buried in between her neck and shoulder. I pause a little and take a deep breath, still enjoying the security of her arms. "Please wait for me," I start again. "I swear I'll find you again. When I'm ready, I'll come back for you…"
Finally, I lift my head up, and separate myself from her. I look at her and realize that this is how she should be- shining with happiness, strong and beautiful. She smiles at me, seeming content with my little monologue. Ah, this feels right.
"Yes." Was all she said before disappearing.
I found her. My heart and soul.
Soon after, I found my way again, I found my chosen road and continued walking down it's path. Was it ever really gone?
No…she would never let it disappear. It is you who got lost. But she brought you back. Your heart and soul…
The end
…I'm not sure I like how this turned out…Did I bring the feeling out or was it lost in all that rambling?
Well…hope it didn't seem all that crappy to you