Don't want to hear you Whisper

"Identity"

"Mmm… I miss you."

"Already? Baby, it's been less than a day."

"I know, but I miss you!"

He laughed at me, like he always did.

"How about you tell me how move in went today?" he suggested.

"I don't feel like talking," I said.

"You liar. You always like to talk. So talk to me. Don't be crabby just because I'm not there. Just close your eyes and pretend I'm right there."

"It's not the same."

"Just do it Hope."

I did. I closed my eyes, trying to see his brown spiky hair along with his perfect crooked smile that always made me melt. I couldn't hold out on him. I went on to tell him about my day, about the move, about the dorm, and about my roommate.

"When do you leave?" I asked him.

"Tomorrow, bright and early," he said.

"Ready?"

"I would be if you were here."

"Aww."

He changed the topic, just like usual. He never liked to be gratified or praised much. He said he didn't need to hear it. He said he knew I liked it. I had only been at Eau Claire for less than a day and I missed him something terrible. At home, he would sneak through my bedroom window almost every night and stayed until I fell asleep. I didn't know if I could fall asleep without him. He was my protective blanket, I needed him. He told me about his day and how move in was supposed to go for him at Madison the next day. Thinking of him being that far away made me feel sick and alone.

"Are you going to pass through Eau Claire tomorrow?" I asked hopefully.

"Well, it's on the way," he answered.

"Please tell me you can stop."

"Don't you have orientation stuff to do tomorrow?"

"Yea, so. I can skip it for you."

"No. You need to go. Got to meet new people, get acquainted with the school. You know, all that good freshy stuff."

"You don't want to see me?"

"Ah geez Hope, you know that's not true. I would love to see you, but orientation is kind of a big thing. You need to go. Make a good impression."

"I'll be thinking of you when you pass me by."

"Don't be like that now."

"Why not? We can make it work. Heck, you could come with me to a short part of orientation. They'd never notice."

He ignored me.

"I'm bringing my car down with me, so I'll come up for visits, ok?" he said.

"Fine," I pouted.

"I love you babe. Have a good day tomorrow. I'll blow a kiss when I go by Eau Claire."

My mood lifted and he could tell.

"Nighty night," he said.

"Bye," I said and the line clicked dead.

I didn't know how I was going to function without him. I was the girl who had never had a boyfriend, who didn't know about relationships. I had been with Jack for long enough to know better, right? I didn't feel like that's how I was. I still felt immature and inexperienced. Jack always led the way for things and I just went along with everything. I had complete faith in that man. He had captured my heart and now I felt in pieces without him there to keep me together. I curled up on my bed, longing ever so helplessly for him. How could he just drive right by my school and not stop to see me? It was frustrating. Isn't that what love is? Aren't you supposed to do anything for each other? I would certainly do anything for him. I think he knew that and he did a good job of not exploiting that fact. If you missed someone this much, did that mean you spent too much time with them?

Arghhhh! How was I going to function?! My life practically revolved around him; around us. I brought my blanket up around my face and smelled it; smelled the lingering smell of home; of Jack. I turned toward the window, expecting him to crawl through onto my bed, but then the awful truth of the distance hit me again, practically shredding me apart. I was so dependent on him, it was sickening. It certainly made me feel sick, or perhaps it was my withdrawal for him. I didn't know. It was both for all I knew. I could only hope that tomorrow would be some kind distraction. Lord knows, I needed it… badly.


I had invested in a cell phone before I came to college and now found my hand clenched ever so protectively around it, waiting for a ring or a buzz. Lunch time came and still nothing. At last, when I was throwing away my remains, which was sadly a lot (I still had a crazy weird stomach ache), my cell phone buzzed. I snatched it up and flipped it open. It was a text message that read: "Hi EC. Bye EC. Love you babe."

I smiled and before I could answer, my thoughts were interrupted.

"Hey sorry to interrupt, but we couldn't help but notice your Ultimate Frisbee shirt."

I looked up to meet the gaze of two girls, waiting for me to say something.

"Oh… yea. I love Ultimate," I answered, unsure of what response they were looking for.

"Awesome. Hey, were having some pick-up games for our team later, you should come," one of them said.

They handed me a flier and I looked it over. I shrugged, but then immediately took it back. This was the distraction I needed. I smiled and wandered back to where my other dorm mates were sitting.


Evening came and I grabbed my water bottle and pulled on my cleats. My mood had drastically lightened and I almost ran down the stairs out to the nearby, Tower Fields. I found two games, one mixed girls and guys and one all guys. I chose the mixed game and waited by the sidelines to go in. As I waited, a tall, rather tan guy came to my side.

"Hey, I'm Sam," he said. "Are you a Freshman?"

"Yea, my name's Hope," I answered.

"Cool. Nice to meet you. So, have you ever played Ultimate before?"

"Yep. This is my third year playing."

"Really? Like pick-up or with actual teams?"

"Actual teams. My high school had a team and then I played with a club team during the summers."

"That's awesome. You should get in there and play."

I smiled shyly and nodded. A game point finished and pretty much everyone came out for a switch. I jogged in, getting more nervous by the second. I picked the position of handler and the others, particularly the guys, were surprised by my choice. The disc came our way and I waited for a teammate to throw it to me… and they didn't.

Finally, I managed to get my hands on the disc and I passed it on with perfect accuracy. I saw the others around me look on with a happy sort of dazed-confused look on their faces. Had they never seen a girl play Ultimate before? I wasn't even that good.

When I came off after a couple of points, more people began to flock to me. They were all girls from the team, wanting to know where I'd come from. It was a great feeling, being asked to play for them and not having to ask to be on their team. Turns out that they never really see girls who already knew how to play. I felt remotely accomplished at that moment, and I never had that feeling. Euphoric as I was, I just wanted to tell someone.

Back at my dorm after the game had finished, I grabbed my cell phone and speed-dialed Jack. There was no answer and my euphoria began to fade into loneliness again. An hour later, after a hot shower and some food, I found myself curled up in my blanket again. Must it really hurt this much? Why didn't he answer my call? Why didn't he see the missed call and call me back? I buried my face in the folds of the blanket and fell asleep. Just then, a buzz and a ring awoke me. I frantically scrambled for my life-line and answered it as quickly as humanly possible.

"Hey baby," came a soft voice. "Sorry I'm calling so late."

"It's ok. I don't care what time it is. I'm just glad you called," I said.

"How was your day?"

"It was amazing!"

"Oh yea? Why don't you tell me about it?"

And I did. Oh how I did. I gushed on and on about the Ultimate Frisbee pick-up game and how I had surprised them all.

He laughed, "That's my girl."

"How was your day?" I asked in return.

He went on tell me about his drive, move-in, and his three other roommates. He knew I liked the details.

I yawned unintentionally and Jack noticed. He noticed every little thing I did.

"Alrighty," he said. "Off to bed with you."

"No. I want to talk some more," I said, yawning again.

"We can talk tomorrow. I'll try to call you earlier, ok?"

"Ok. Night-night."

"Bye."

I hung up and slipped the phone under my pillow. Now it officially had been an amazing day.

As I lay there sleepily, I could not fall asleep for the life of me. All I could think of was Jack's soft composure and how he saved all of it for me. He had become a less rowdy man, learning how to be more reserved, as that was who he really was. Truth he understood, was being true in everything you did. I understood it as well, but I hadn't learned it yet. I hadn't learned to express it like he had. He was getting much better at being true to himself. I was not. I was getting worse.

I always prided myself on being me. However, I felt that when I was supposed to be letting loose, relaxing with friends, that no matter how much I revealed to them, they didn't grasp who I truly was. It was the same for myself. I'm supposed to be confident in who I am, where I stand, the steady one, but I found that I couldn't find myself. Not even in the moments when I'm suspended in bliss. Doubt always surrounded me and now it was worse because the one thing I felt confident in had left me and gone away, too far away. I had showed Jack how to be himself; I knew when he was being fake. He was still fake around his friends, but now college was like a fresh start for him. For me, I would not change. It wasn't a fresh start. I didn't have a new me. I didn't have a determined identity that I was sure of. For now, I was just me with some additions; new worries; more doubts. I was at risk, but for what, I had no idea.


Hola! Welcome back my lovely readers. :) Gosh, I have missed Hope. I'm so glad I've decided to give her another go. See if I can make her live once again. Live in the drama that is my writing. Lol. Well, I hope you liked it and I would LOVE if you left me a review. Thanks!

-WMystic