BAD BEGININNG

The sky was like a burren desert, no clouds, no birds flying by, no planes, empty. Nothing but the emptiness. I wonder how long I've just been staring at it. Long enough I think. All I have these days is time. School is over for the year. All my friends have gone home. I'm still here though. The grey walls are all around me. Seems like it's been days, weeks, months since my friends have all gone and I was left here, though it must only of been hours at the most.

This is when things start to swamp me. All those unwanted thoughts. All the unwanted feelings, it's never been the same since last holidays. Seems like a lifetime ago. I wonder how mum is. I'll see her maybe in a few days. I don't know anymore. She's had it tough. It had all been so sudden. She was fine, great in fact. But on the last week of the holiday, she became ill. She nearly died from it. I had felt so helpless, dad had felt helpless, all of us had.

It hadn't and still doesn't seem fair. What did she do to deserve it? I don't know anymore. I've been so worried about her since school had started again. I had kept all these feelings and thoughts at Bay but with no one here to distract me, they're all overpowering me. All the letters from home, all the phone calls, have all said that she was fine, she was well, she was doing well but it's not the same as seeing her. Dad had taken a few months off work to look after mum. I wish I could off taken time off school to help, but mum had wanted me to go to school.

School is an important thing for her and dad. They hadn't had much of a chance to go to school so they want the best for me. I'm happy to go to school, with more knowledge; maybe I'll be more prepared for the world. I doubt it though. But you never know. I wonder what would happen if something happen to dad. I don't think mum will be able to handle it. Would it be like how we couldn't handle it when she became so ill?

Seems like a long time ago now since I saw mum or dad. We had all been busy with this or that. We didn't want to push our luck with mum's health either. She seemed fine but the doctors' had said that it might happen again if mum wasn't too careful. Well I'm coming home now so I'll be able to see for myself if she's really alright.

Hmm...there's goes all my defences against the memory. What's taking them so long to get here? I'm over-reacting again. I know I am but I can't help it. It just happens to me all the time. I over-react at everything. I guess you can call me a perfectionist. Trying to make things perfect, I know, I know, it's not a perfect world. Too bad huh? I learnt to grow up a long time ago, when I was fairly young. Sometimes it's best to just count on yourself. Things haven't changed that much for me either.

Still same story. Except of course I'm an older person now. Back then all I ever thought was that nothing can happen to me because I had my parents there to watch me. It's not going to be like that forever. Things change, people change, but its all part of life. Life isn't meant to be easy, it's not meant to be very hard either. But if it wasn't hard, we wouldn't appreciate what we achieve would we?

Maybe I hid myself too well and too much over the years. It's so hard to let people in now. They've tried I guess. But every time that I think I've found a great friend, I've ended up disappointed. But that's life isn't it. Full of disappointments but there are the good surprises too. Maybe what had happened to mum had finally made me realise that I'm as much vulnerable as the next or the person in front of me.

It had seemed like a good idea at the time. I had thought but keeping myself apart I might be able to avoid having to confront what I had been feeling or the thoughts that were crowding in on me. I was wrong though, now that they have free rein, they're just as powerful as they had been before maybe more powerful now because I had kept them at bay for so long. It's been a while since I had had the time to even think about it.

Now that they have free rein I might as well think about it all right now so I can enjoy myself afterwards. Maybe but then maybe not, I'm hoping for a yes though. I wouldn't want mum or dad to have to worry about me. I don't want to upset them. It just seems like I'm in a different place to everyone else. Somewhere unreachable, but that's my fault. I put myself there. There's only one way back now, learn to trust again.

For without trust, what is there? Without trust how can there be friends, or any relationships of any kind? Without trust, you'd be paranoid, not knowing who to allow helping you or who not to. Without that trust you'd have no one to confine in when the times get tough. All I can say is if I don't start trusting people, I'll regret it very much one day. And that day is today. I'll give people the chance to prove that they're trustworthy.

With that realisation came the end to a chapter of my life. A chapter that is closed but should never be forgotten. A time with a bad beginning has turned into a good ending. To end on an even better note, I can see my parents coming in the distance. I'd recognise them anywhere. I'm so happy now. Seems all that I have been thinking about has paid off already. And with these final words, I close this chapter of my life. Life's what you want it to be, you have control of it.

THE END